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Rantings of the Divided Mind, Part II II. i’ll try again and leave the pen just close our eyes the words will come and type away we’ll soon be done a few more words is what i heard nonsense to me it’s so absurd these rhyming thoughts seem so bizarre i feel as though i’m lost afar in hazy dreams nightmarish screams ring in my head that i am dead but knowing that i’m well alive they scream louder still that she must die! we can’t hold on when spinning round so many lost so few are found that is how evil wins each day that dawns each night begins dizziness and headaches tell how evil lurks and casts its spell to punish one who’s gone astray keep them in line another day it is a fight we cannot win nowhere to hide even deep within for there you’ll find that evil resides among the ones who live inside poison in and poison out spinning round and round about never win we never can there’s no escape from no man’s land. no freedom no escape no way out of this place it is not safe to go within and seek No One who commits the sin for if we do then evil disturbs and spins around stealing words gagging all who try to speak freezing time for many weeks incredible pain then begins when numbing sense wanes again punishment for seeking truth among the lies is certain death but we can’t die. why should we fight when our sight is blinded by the lies of light shattered to the core and yet once more the spinning gore when does it stop is there a way to see in the blinding light of day cutting truth and bleeding lies where No One goes before she ‘dies.’ i’m not getting the message here i feel it was spoken loud and clear but i am confused by all this rhyme maybe i’ll try another time? i want to scream that they are lies that evil does not reside within the mind or the soul those were lies that were told, but deep inside the war rages on a battle that i cannot disrupt no matter how i corrupt the evil side and their lies the truth is hidden too far within the walls that keep the secrets safe if only they’d corroborate what i try to say every day “I'M FREE, I'M FREE, I HAVE ESCAPED!" but nobody hears what No One knows and in one ear and out it goes No One believes that we’re never free there’s no escape not even for me she cannot dare to face the truth the lies they told stole her youth she wants to know that she’s alive because she knows she never died but evil lies and spins again the tale they’ve told time and time again that without them she don’t exist and then no more can she resist the pain’s gripping hold in her mind freezing each part all in time the razor’s edge she doesn’t feel it’s the blood she knows is real No One tells anyone what she’s done she hides away when morning comes in plain sight she’s always there, she just don’t speak she wouldn’t dare. |
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-02-22 23:56:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Wonderful job. I wished for more punctuation in part I, so that I could pause when it was more natural and to get the rhythm of your verse, but this one flows easier. I want to read this line with "we" in it: "those were lies that (we) were told," but that's just my meter. In this line I suggest replacing don't with won't: "that without them she don’t exist." I like the in and out of first and third person. It enhances the spinning round and round. It's near an internal dialog and the rhyme scheme keeps the pace up almost to a frenzy. You have a gift that seems to flow with ease. Kindest regards.