This Poem was Submitted By: Christina Morrow On Date: 2011-03-28 17:51:27 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!
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Copyright © March 2011 Christina Morrow
I don't want to play this game-
It isn't any fun.
Take a deep breath,
...and put down the gun.
I know you are feeling scared,
...and under attack
I love you so much, and
I got your back.
I don't know why this happens,
or how it comes on so fast.
I just know if we wait it out-
It's going to pass.
Lets lay you down, and I'll pull the shades.
You'll scream and cry, until it fades.
I need you now, to put the gun away,
and know tomorrow will be a brand new day.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-04-02 18:03:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Bold content written with no forced rhyme to whom ever may feel despair to this level.
Really enjoyed the format, and the soothing of one's soul at the end of this piece.
Very nicely done, I enjoyed this poem a lot.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-04-02 13:09:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Christina, There is obviously more going on in this piece than the clues allow.
The metaphor (hopefully) of Russian roulette, to a person ruining their life, is a stark image compared to the watcher, the love and caring of the writer.
Why the fear, we donâ€™t know, or what the attack, we cannot tell- it seems as if young people are coming to grips with the realities of love and lost love, of self image and self loathing- in some aspect.
â€œLetâ€™s lay you downâ€ is both cryptic and empathetic. Here, we get the feeling the gun is not a metaphor- that there is a world somewhere where despair overcomes hope. The writer leads the needy towards that hope of a â€œbrand new dayâ€.
As I said before, the clues are few in this piece, but the image is potent.
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-03-31 16:58:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
I can't help but wonder about the gun and who is holding it. However, I think it was your intent to make your readers ponder this poem and you have certainly done that. I feel a certain desperation in the lines even though it seems the speaker is trying to remain calm despite the gun. In your second verse you should either delete the word 'and' or drop it to the next line. When doing enjambment it's not good to end a line with "and, the, if, of" etc. Also you have used a lot of "I" words which just a little tweaking would fix. Having said that, I do like the poem and the mystery inside the lines. Well done.
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