This Poem was Submitted By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2011-04-05 03:22:36 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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when it was, once upon a time traveling through the pages of old penned lines
I find myself remembering when.. once upon a time..
but journeys and adventures have become lost chapters
faded, weary tales with no one to remember them
no gathering together for sharing the laughter
perhaps, once upon a time, or was it all a dream?
but times of great travail...of war and victorys
they are not forgotten.
they have become legends
pillars of great power and strength
that live forever; indeed, they live in antiquity
so they lack the need for proving liability
and it is so now, as it has always been.
my old folded papers will tell my story
but the tears are stains running through old ink
where laughter burst out giggling..and I cried
and your smile made the day bright and everything was right..
but that is all forgotten
lost in the unmistakeable track of tears..
and all these pages, bits and scraps I have
carried like a burden and borne up under its weight
now I can lay them down and I realize
this is how it has always been
and it is so now too, as I say goodbye
to the words and the memory's
gone off in the wind. |
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Copyright © April 2011 Ellen K Lewis
Additional Notes:
Lets just say this is a rough draft. I have too much fun just letting it go to pick at it, so I'll leave that up to you. I dont know what to do with the punctuation, all suggestions are taken for the good of all, so please just be honest and have fun.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2011-04-26 22:24:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Ellen, honestly I like it the way it is. Sometimes--the formalities of punctuation and all clutter a piece and take away the raw emotion of it. You've given wonderful insights--most can relate to some if not all and you've done it in such a picturesque voice. I found this poignant yet uplifting, liberating yet nostalgic--what a ride you've taken your reader on--bravo. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-04-25 23:53:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I like it but am wondering to the purpose of the third stanza. It takes away from the power of the narrator reminiscing about old scribbles and puts them onto an unknown outsider. Perhaps rework the third stanza to put more back onto the narrator and the feeling about those pieces. I love the meter. It flows as I like to read, but I am strange.
kind regards.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-04-25 14:06:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Ellen, a wonderful piece (victories not victorys)- personally I think yo should disregard anyone’s opinion of punctuation- write at the piece leads you. You’ll find, some will like your punctuation, some not so much. It doesn’t matter- it is your piece.
You did a splendid write about remembrance. The “journeys and adventures†becoming “lost chapters… weary tales†is brilliant analogy.
Through out the piece I found myself nodding my head in agreement. You built to your “old ink where laughter burst out giggling†and the “tears†were understood.
I know the treasures of “antiquity†and have learned the lessons of gathered “liabilityâ€- mostly this was a read that brought the power of our time line, of our soul, to the forefront.
Poems that cause a reaction for stepping forward, are the best reads one can have.
Thank you for sharing such.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-04-16 11:35:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Ellen it's a really good rough draft - I've read it twice and it has an enormous impact, but the wording if off - I would tighten it up like this:
traveling through pages of old penned lines
finding myself remembering when.. once upon a time..
journeys,adventures have become lost chapters
faded weary tales with no one to remember
no gathering together for sharing laughter
Once upon a time or was it all a dream?
Times of great travail...of war with victorys (Note: Typo)victories
are not forgotten.
These are legends
pillars of great power and strength
living forever indeed
they live in antiquity
lack the need
for proving liability.
It is so now, as it has always been.
Old folded papers will tell my story
the tears are stains running through old ink
where laughter burst out giggling..and I cried
your smile made day's bright and everything was right..
that is all forgotten
lost in unmistakeable tracks of tears.. (Note: typo unmistakable
These pages bits and scraps
carried like a burden and borne up under weight
I can lay them down and realize
this is how it has always been
so now too as I say goodbye
words and the memory's
gone off in the wind.
I just removed some short words to give and edge up on the structure and flow.
So vivid with sad sentiments instilled and definitely worth the effort put in to a thought provoking poem.
blessings,
Deni
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