This Poem was Submitted By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2011-05-05 06:48:43 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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My Prayer Open my soul completely to your will
I feel myself floating upon your grace
eyes closed my lungs completely fill
expanding me beyond what I can face
To exercise my spirit I hang from
my doubt and faith leaping to your embrace
realigned me back, and crack, my chin some
to look attentive upon every trace
that has been sketched into our legacy
that's written in the movements of all things
painted in our hearts of your embassy
that echoes in the music as it sings
My heart as it falls into place and soothes
my spirit puzzles then gives way and youths |
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Copyright © May 2011 James Edward Schanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Pat Eaklor On Date: 2011-05-18 22:14:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi, James,
Your poem caused something to sir within me. I enjoyed your rhyme; and the first
quatrain, especially, has stayed with me. As a matter of fact, I find myself
repeating it as I am writing this. You speak of something being sought by many, many
people...
Keep it up!
Pat
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2011-05-18 00:18:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Nicely done James - but I do see some things I would change to make this poem stand out a bit more.
The title defines a spiritual poem - which is always soothing to me.
I would take the word "me" out - of the last line of your first verse and also remove "me" from the
third line in your second verse. I notice a bit of forced rhyme with "legacy & embassy" and ultimately would change both of those words with more spiritual words because it's a prayer - Lords of nations leave legacies,
but a higher power would not reside in an embassy.
The ending through me off a bit - because the poem flow,structure and verbiage was written well,
then I tripped at the end - with the last line not fitting in to the scheme of the poem.
Just my personal opinion -
blessings,
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-05-16 11:51:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi James,
This is one of those poems that needs to be pondered. I have read it several times just to feel the essence of the words. I am not sure about your use of "crack" in the second verse even though it is a nice internal rhyme it feels a bit forced. Also the use of "youths" in the couplet feels forced to me and I am having trouble with the meaning. Most likely my fault not yours. But having said all that I do like this poem and the message is excellent. Well done.
Best wishes,
cheyennne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2011-05-09 13:33:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hello James. I haven't had the opportunity of reading any of your work until now! I am enthralled with your subject matter, a favorite of mine. There are alot of things you could do with this piece for improvement, if you so wish, but it is a personal expression with which you write, so that is only suggestive! Here are some thoughts I have:
eyes closed my lungs completely fill (its ok to use 'filled' because it doesn't take away from the rhyme. I think it feels a little deeper...more meaningful if I am 'filled' and ready...?
expanding me beyond what I can face
Could it be that you have no other word for your senses? the word 'face' feels forced in, as if the reader may not understand how deeply you meditate. I'd use a different word, even if it doesn't rhyme. Its the feeling you are expressing, and not the poetic voice..
realigned me back, and crack, my chin some
once again, I feel that 'crack' is forced in there to make a rhyme. Besides, did you ever crack your chin? It sounds like a painful way to come away from meditation.
My heart as it falls into place and soothes
my spirit puzzles then gives way and youths
Another forced rhyme. The idea is good, the wording is off. Could you say, my spirit puzzles and is comforted in youth?
~ your expressive voice is obvious and delightful. Try removing some of the formalities and flow with your words. Like while in meditation you are relaxed and at peace, try to make your poems sound the same way, naturally and not forced.~ Just some thoughts for you, my friend. I like this and enjoyed reading it! Thanks, Ellen
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