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No Longer Alone
To such a bruised and battered child may these words comfort your soul: for so long youâ€™ve lived alone bore the burden of othersâ€™ sins in silence was your only home as you hid the darkness within you were so young to face the world of evil treachery and grotesque tricks emotions ran rampant and swirled while all adults â€˜round failed to protect so bitter you became, so filled with rage you shut down, built walls, to isolate no one would get in to rattle your cage but too no one could break through to relate a very lonely, sad little girl you became, alone, in this world but now the timeâ€™s come to break down the walls reach for my hands to brace when it all falls and hold you close in a loving embrace to know youâ€™re not alone anymore in that place your rage and your tears, your numbness and fears unlike many years before are now welcome here I know itâ€™s not fair that no one saw you back then Iâ€™m here for you now, so let it all out, start to mend I want you to know that it is okay to cry shed those tears that for so long have been dry no need to remain vigilant or to be â€œstrongâ€ you can break down and cry all night long I will be here to hold you close and real tight so you will know youâ€™re not alone in this fight I will stand by your side and listen to you scream and together perhaps weâ€™ll create a new dream .
The challenge in this contest was to write a letter to our 'self.'
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-12-03 09:43:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie, to the technical stuff first- your rhymes were well done and werenâ€™t forced. It is the first thing I look for in a rhyming piece. Also in your scheme- you began abab for stanza 1 through 3, then changed your scheme to aabb. Iâ€™m assuming the that pattern is a response to the difficulties throughout the piece- finally be overcome and in accord. For those who notice, it works. Of course the cross over occurs right after â€œalone, in this worldâ€ leading into the great â€œbut now the timeâ€™s come to break down the wallsâ€ that shows a renaissance, and decision to overcome. My only real suggestion is in S3L4- â€œandâ€ would work far better than the â€œbut tooâ€ This piece is a heartrending letter to oneself. The ending belies the struggle. In fact, the ending; that of a victory of sorts reaches the level of the previous dismay. I donâ€™t know if it is because the difficulties and the cure were given equal time (a choice I suppose) or because the writing of the end is more powerful. In this, let me say- in analysis would be easy to believe the end is in sight. The necessity of future â€œscreamsâ€ retracts such a view. Either way, the fight is what is in play in this piece. One cannot ask for more than that. *Note: for my liking S6L1, if rewritten, could bring more power to the final stanza. â€œyou close and real tightâ€ is too simple to match the rest of the piece. An enjoyable, content not withstanding, piece.
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