This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-12-08 17:14:47 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Puppet I am but a puppet
hanging from
some strings
I obey quilted
words of every
echoed prayer
for fear I might err
in trembled silence
or moonlit sky
I’ll sweep your
heart with desire
and the more you
pull my strings
the faster I move
Even if I free fall
like spirals
on wings of air
I’ll still comply
with your deepest wish
So let me dance
on these fragile strings
you hold so tight
when all I want
is to be free
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Copyright © December 2011 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2012-01-02 10:43:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.63636
Hi Cheyenne - this poem has such a strong start to it - your word choice and imagery are flawless. Truly poetic and tender words stand out in the first three verses of this poem. No one wants to be controlled in life by another -and there are those that will try there best to guilt or shame someone in to submission - we all have the right to live life according to what we want to do -and the freedom you seek will lead to happiness with pure joy in your heart.
It's the last verse that I hesitated with a bit - a single change may help tighten the ending for you such as:
So let me dance
on these fragile strings
you hold so tightly
when all I want
is what freedom brings.
Just a suggestion, otherwise I really enjoyed this poem for the context and message it sends out to everyone who reads it.
Blessings,
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2011-12-31 16:11:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
cheyenne,
You dance because you wish to. Y ou don't dance when you don't want to.
Freedom to express is actually yours now.
I understand the desire to please. But it all lies in your hands. The more independent of thought and confidence, the more he will want to be with you. believe it or not.
Y our super,
dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-12-16 13:42:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wow cheyenne, I am not sure this is a love story or not. The image of the writer “sweeping the heart with desire†as the strings are pulled, is a powerful image.
From that we see the “tight strings†which is indicative of a controlling, jealous person manipulating the lover. There is the feeling of both need and restraint, of hope and disgust in the writers mien. It at once makes the reader wish for such a connection, and be thankful such a connection is not a part of their life.
What I personally read is that of a lost love, that reaching from the past, or even influencing the future, that image in the mind keeps drawing the writer back to what will never be, but what cannot be let go. It might even be for some readers that the affectual one remains as a friend or there abouts and the internal struggle goes on, even so.
A tender, bittersweet tale.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2011-12-15 03:17:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Unusual, captive of emotion, of love, of ones own heart--a feel of trying to pull away--waanting to be free yet mesmerized by the strings that tether the heart and so if in servitude solace could be found within the dance of the mind it would be bearable just to hold tender the love--such mixed emotions so very well portrayed. An enjoyable read, easy flow speaking volumns with so few words. Nicely done. Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Kay C Steward On Date: 2011-12-10 08:15:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Interesting subject about being a puppet on a string within a relationship. I liked the subject and found it interesting; people do dance when others pull strings within a relationship, afraid to lose the one they desperately want to be loved by. Suggestion for easier flow: I am a puppet dancing on your strings. Not too sure about the word 'quilted' words, maybe you were meaning the words made up a pattern? I found your poem a little bit stiff as far as flow, apart from that - nicely written.
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