This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-12-25 22:27:47 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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My Mother's Secret For nine months she carried the baby inside -
not telling a soul of the new life she’d hide
the unthinkable act that made her his bride.
Giving the child to others she tried
to forget about me until she died. |
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Copyright © December 2011 Mandie J Overocker
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2012-01-03 15:09:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie,
This is so nakedly stark, sad and maybe true!
it shows terrible anguish and pain.
It seems as if a soul is crying out for mercy from the suffering.
The rhyming is very effective.
It sets me back a pace or two. pondering this...
So very sad.
I think the intent was this. And if so well done!
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-12-26 13:50:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
There is a litany of things one can say to this verse. It is a story deserving of a novel, in five few lines. Much as if a multilayered timeline were glimpsed; there are the hidden characters behind, so well concealed that the content of actions are indiscernible.
I think you should rewrite line 4. It is written and forces the rhyme. I have read your work and believe you can find a smoother transition.
Of the content itself, the story without an ending yet, written by the progeny- in so few words leaves the reader to wonder. With the passing of the mother, what we are left with is the child, grown older. It begs the soul to begin the search for more, from the lost perspective, and from the mother's.
A lot to think about Mandie.
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