This Poem was Submitted By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2011-12-25 22:29:00 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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I'm Dying Inside

bittersweet lachrymal drops in her eyes threaten to fall betraying the lies she swallows the knot in her throat as she tries to hide the fact she’s the one who now cries   with a painted smile upon her face she clutches to hope found in a dark place self-defeating thoughts continuously race as she flees the devil’s feverish pace   by the skin of her teeth escaping his keep she collapses in a miserable heap “I surrender!” she cries before taking a leap with hope that now she can forever sleep

Copyright © December 2011 Mandie J Overocker

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-01-07 21:09:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
I think, lady, this is your best offering of the month. Your use of the age old “lachrymal” caught me immediately. It is symbolic of the fight, and the triumph. The “painted smile” is not uncommon, but the chase and catch are medial interests to the woman herself. I think, were I to wish it would not be the Sleeping Beauty passage, rather to hear the laugh; and gauge from the face and eyes the responsiveness of the soul. I know I would not watch the “miserable heap” without an embrace- I have not been inured to accept evil as a norm; I think- there is someone else and I want to hear her laugh.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2011-12-31 15:44:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mandie, think about this...... bittersweet lachrymal drops in her eyes threaten to fall betraying the lies she swallows the knot in her throat as she tries to hide the fact she’s the one who now crying from rhyming each line expecting the same you finish fresh. same with the other stanzas. I like your idea but the rhyme gets boring. Hope you consider the change maybe? Happy NY. delllena
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