This Poem was Submitted By: Steve A Van Allen On Date: 2012-01-13 20:47:35 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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...And You're Invited I wake the night
Refreshed and excited
I found my path
And you're invited
My troubles are over
Free and delighted
I see my path
And you're invited
My life renewed
Focused and undivided
There is my path
And you're invited
I rush to you
with speed unbridled
I show you my path
And you're invited
I tell you my dream
In you I confided
I walk my path
And you're invited |
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Copyright © January 2012 Steve A Van Allen
Additional Notes:
I wrote this poem for my wife, Kimberly. I welcome your comments.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2012-02-06 19:35:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Steve
She should be delighted. Especially because you're still courting her even AFTER you're married. :-)
Best wishes
Mark.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2012-01-26 15:25:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
And i am certain she was delighted
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-01-21 08:04:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Steve, a hearty feel of love for this early hour of the morning.
Of the construction, I have a soft spot for repeating theme, so your last line, emphasizing the importance, the passion if you will, for inviting your wife along with your life is a strong point that sets the timbre for the entire piece.
S3L2 needs an edit. It is the only second line that exceeds six syllables, and really affects the meter of your piece. It is my opinion that “focused” is not needed. Had you simply said “and undivided” it would have sufficed to make your point and still maintain the meter of your piece. The other option is to remove “undivided” and approach it from a positive direction, something like “focused and united.” This would also maintain your meter. At any rate, for me it interrupted an otherwise easy flow.
It is always a great morning when waking to a good verse consumed in a loving perspective. Thank you much for sharing this moment with me.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Kimberly D Rowe-Van Allen On Date: 2012-01-13 21:12:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Steve,
I like this poem very much. I am also found of repeating phrases to bring my message together, and this poem does that well.
It shows a progression of discovering the path through to walking the path, and all along asking the person to whom you are speaking to come along on the journey.
The work represents a change in thinking and life focus, which seems to be a good thing based on what I read.
Love this part:
My life renewed
Focused and undivided
There is my path
And you're invited
It's like you have a completely new start and you are on the way. You will walk the path, but you are inviting this person to join you for the ride. Very nice.
Thanks for sharing.
Kim
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