This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2012-02-09 19:43:25 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Watermark Today I am deliberate
when I open my eyes I see
that words somehow condense on me
and somehow a page absorbs them
Today I wanted to tell you
something about condensation
but you've beaded my ventricles
so I figure you understand
Today is much like other todays
recondensed from yesterdays
that carry the trace elements
grown from some exploded befores
And today's a stain I can't remove
I'm in it all over again
I will floss my teeth for you love
look for me, then, in your mirror |
|
Copyright © February 2012 Mark Andrew Hislop
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2012-03-07 05:45:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You have the poetic language and always have had your own distinct style with it. Were you to expand out more to the universal...to embody something reflecting the "everyman" concept instead of keeping the poem closer to home, to your personal aspect, your poetry would soar. By reworking this poem that way it could approach elegance. JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2012-03-03 11:26:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Hi Mark,
This poem really touched me.
and somehow a page absorbs them.......what a great way to show your readers you are without words
Today is much like other todays
recondensed from yesterdays
that carry the trace elements
grown from some exploded befores
If I had to pick a favorite verse (and I'm glad I don't) it would be this verse. It is wistful with a touch of melancholy. A fabulous poem....bravo!
Best wishes,
cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-02-18 10:21:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Bear with me Mark, this piece hit a chord with me- and it looks like this:
S1 Condensation, the (content) in the (subject – book, thoughts, beliefs, innuendos) is warmer than the (substrate – the reader, thinker, believer, ect.), and the cooler surface draws the (content) out of the (subject) and they saturate the substrate.
S2 Because we view your heart by artificial measures (thinking we know what is contained within it, what it feels), sarcastically spoken –I figure you understand- which the writer believes is obviously not the case.
S3 I understand- the rehashing of what was, might be, and external and internal results. The accumulation bringing the writer to where he is now and the application of the accumulation (condensation) will write what probably will occur next.
S4 Was a duality as I applied it to myself. Both looking at myself in the mirror and evaluating who and what I am, and then also- a message to the targeted reader (the lost love) that if she watches in her mirror- she will see me as I am now. The second part of the duality is if she has read the verse prior- she will also know the road that brought the writer to view himself, thusly, in the mirror. S4L3 –your-
Mark, I wrote all that not because it was a done deal, or an image I am unfamiliar, or familiar with. It is because there were derivations within the piece that drew me to reply in a great, more universal manner. For me, this is about the heartache, and response to the heartache, and the continuing influence of the heartache, that I have, that most have felt. Like you, I think mine is of greater import, of truer love, and in that mirror- ain’t nobody going to really understand.
S2 – Final analysis- After stanza four, that is directed both to self and the lover- S2 (if viewed as written to the love of the past) is a more intuitive message. The line –I figure you understand- is a metaphor for the entire poem, where there is the hope of –I figure you understand- and the hurt/disdain of –I figure you understand- (not). The love/hate remains intwined in the mission.
Enjoyed the post. If I got it all wrong, I still got it right for me, the reader!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2012-02-10 20:38:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
MAH,
You had me all pellucid-minded and then you give me the turbid in the last stanza. Thank you for lifting the torpor. A good poem is one that inspires and gets your mind off it's ass. Which is sort of ironic since you by doing so you have triggered my tendency to the scatological; after all, water doesn't stain.
I like the "simplicity" here, the change in key. Like bunting and running one out after hitting a home run.
Nice.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2012-02-10 17:06:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
I really liked this one Mark.
The word couplings, the cadence of your lines and the well chosen words all play in a well orchestrated work to bring your reader to an understanding of watermarks/benchmarks which there are always numerous ones in our relationships, work, crativity and lives as a whole. This demands more than the two or three readings to truly be felt and drawn in. Excellent work, so pleased to read this caliber of work from your accomplished pen. Kudos! Lora
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