This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2012-02-19 23:33:23 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Who's The Dog? Smart, classy,
savvy pretty lassie.
Single sane
with no one to blame.
Sobbing heart
throbbing mindless pain.
Love never stays for these men who betray
take her on a ride in an opposite mode.
Then let her off
in the darkness of their road.
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Copyright © February 2012 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-03-03 12:23:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Such an indictment Deni. I will refrain from utilizing any –dog- references. It is a particular image that bears only referential credentials.
Of course the analogy is scathing- of the perpetrator. The maleness is less an image for me than the analogy of rejection. Femaleness has, in its own way; a parallel for the purpose.
This, in a few words is a powerful image- while all the while never really getting to view the –pretty lassie- other than by the behavior of another and the loneliness and sadness of the response.
-to blame- now there is an interpretation counter to the point of the verse. Sarcasm might become the irritation.
As I have intimated; the tiny verse says volumes.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2012-03-01 18:15:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Deni
The idea is neat and tidy in its presentation. But I'd love to see you do a bit more with the form, here.
Best wishes,
Mark.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2012-02-25 07:22:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
Nice rapping quality to this.
MSS
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2012-02-20 14:28:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni. I love your first 2 lines. They are perfect for the mood you took me to.
Not sure I understand-Single sane
Love never stays for these men who betray > these men? sounds like I should have heard of them before. Maybe you could use the word "the" ?
take her on a ride in an opposite mode.>>the word 'mode' feels too forced. It conveys your meaning, but doesn't read quite right.
Then let her off
in the darkness of their road.
..might have said, "in the darkness of their own road"
...just feels more dramatic....and the ending is good with all the drama it can get!
I feel chilled and angry at the same time! This is a compelling piece. I like it. I was drawn by the title and I'm glad I read it.
~smiles~ Ellen
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