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Escaping Night And so I write this to you, my love with unspoken thoughts that plague me Spinning to restless places this side of heaven I live in fear of losing you Long past worry more into madness Pacing the ocean’s floor counting my steps unable to swim breathing stale air Like an anchorless ship with the arduous task of camouflage never revealing myself to anyone Rest your sea colored eyes on mine that mimic umber Our passion is like a leaf that flickers in hot wind Let us dance on that wind and grow ripe once more So hold onto me, my love into the escaping night I’ll let you see my true self that breathes for you |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Donna Carter Soles On Date: 2012-07-30 22:06:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Cheyenne,
Your first stanza is a great introduction. It also seems as if you are communicating to your love via telepathy
or clairvoyance. These thoughts, which plaque you as they do, are uttered through your mind, or perhaps
from the depths of your very soul. I once wrote a short story called, "Soul of the Sea," and your poem reminds
me of that story, to a certain extent.
Your second stanza really stands out with the words, "long past worry, more into madness." It's as if you have waited so long to express your emotions that fate has pushed you over the edge, driving you further into the
depths of the ocean; "Pacing the ocean's floor," in the third stanza - It seems you are hiding from everyone,
except for the one that you want to find you.
The fourth stanza states a very nice contrast between "sea coloured eyes" and "mine that mimic umber."
In the end...your love will be the only one who knows your true identity.
Nice work. This poem has a gentle flow, even though it is somewhat like the stormy sea, which it can be and
is one of the topics here. I think a little more punctuation and a reconsideration of the title would have helped. But it is good as it stands. My main concern is that I think you could have added more to the story to increase the overall effect, but is a mystery as it stands.
Love the dark atmosphere of this poem. Thanks for posting.
Donna