This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2012-07-09 00:31:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Escaping Night

And so I write this to you, my love with unspoken thoughts that plague me Spinning to restless places this side of heaven I live in fear of losing you Long past worry more into madness Pacing the ocean’s floor counting my steps unable to swim breathing stale air Like an anchorless ship with the arduous task of camouflage  never revealing myself to anyone Rest your sea colored eyes on mine that mimic umber Our passion is like a leaf that flickers in hot wind Let us dance on that wind and grow ripe once more So hold onto me, my love into the escaping night I’ll let you see my true self that breathes for you 

Copyright © July 2012 cheyenne smyth


This Poem was Critiqued By: Donna Carter Soles On Date: 2012-07-30 22:06:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Cheyenne, Your first stanza is a great introduction. It also seems as if you are communicating to your love via telepathy or clairvoyance. These thoughts, which plaque you as they do, are uttered through your mind, or perhaps from the depths of your very soul. I once wrote a short story called, "Soul of the Sea," and your poem reminds me of that story, to a certain extent. Your second stanza really stands out with the words, "long past worry, more into madness." It's as if you have waited so long to express your emotions that fate has pushed you over the edge, driving you further into the depths of the ocean; "Pacing the ocean's floor," in the third stanza - It seems you are hiding from everyone, except for the one that you want to find you. The fourth stanza states a very nice contrast between "sea coloured eyes" and "mine that mimic umber." In the end...your love will be the only one who knows your true identity. Nice work. This poem has a gentle flow, even though it is somewhat like the stormy sea, which it can be and is one of the topics here. I think a little more punctuation and a reconsideration of the title would have helped. But it is good as it stands. My main concern is that I think you could have added more to the story to increase the overall effect, but is a mystery as it stands. Love the dark atmosphere of this poem. Thanks for posting. Donna


This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-07-24 21:21:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
cheyenne, this a very powerful piece. The images are alive and haunting. My favorite -rest your sea colored eyes- is evocative and mating them with -mine of that mimic umber- simply brings the house down. -pacing the ocean’s floor- and the need for the lover, moves as if one really is that -anchorless ship-. And in the end, after taking us into the vision, we share in the -that breathes with you-. There are so many emotive visuals in this piece that it is a bit transcendent. It makes me feel, I want to feel that way- no matter the possibility of torment that might be inherited. S2L2 – and its junction with L3 the only weak point in this amazing piece. Not clear. Wonderful read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2012-07-09 06:47:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wow, definitely a heavy duty love poem. So much is said, not only with your well chosen words but with the inferred statements that are deep beyond the lines you have written. One can feel the angst, the desperation--the passion...very intense and excellently written. I enjoyed, no nits or spags. Lora
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