This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2012-07-11 12:00:06 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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and you asked what I want...
for your lips
to leave their gentle petals
aimlessly planted upon my skin
your fingers
to read the braille of my breasts
tracing their stories
up and down my spine
let your tongue
paint murals of their truths
inside my thighs -
until I break open
blazing - wide-eyed
into full bloom;
casting my seeds,
like cotton dreams,
to brim my empty sky.
then; I will lay,
in quiet complacence,
gazing deep into your eyes;
at that peaceable place
where stars are born.
whisper to me
all those beautiful lies
that I might feel belief.
I need to believe.
~ |
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Copyright © July 2012 Mary J Coffman
Additional Notes:
Also published at Allpoetry.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-07-29 11:02:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This is a wonderfully powerful, passionate piece. Each line jumps out and brings its fecundity to the reader. The reader can feel and absorb, imagine and partake. All at once we wish it to be ourselves, and yet watch the writer, coalescence.
You then do something both obscure and screaming to the reader. –all those beautiful lies- and we wonder at lost love, hoped love, or imagined love, or many other dimensions. It is absolutely scrumptious. Those feelings from deep within reach out for validation.
Lastly, you take us into the writer, human nature, and hope –that I might feel belief-
In your metaphors and analogies, this is a splendid, passionate image.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2012-07-16 03:16:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Mary,
Just passing thru and saw your poem. I enjoyed it's tender eroticism. Lovely in it's flow beginning with the title, it worked for me for this work. Peaceful suggests tranquilty and may be a better word than peaceable.
You can decide but I wanted to make the suggestion. I would shorten the end slightly, something like:
"whisper to me
those beautiful lies
I long to believe".
The poem has been so positive all the way to the end and you're lying there in perfect harmony so when you say "that I might feel belief", the tone of the poem changes (perhaps for me only),loses it's sweet, gentle flow which I so loved. You truly have a lovely piece here and please forgive my suggestions, just food for thought.
Best wishes!
Wanda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2012-07-11 15:19:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mary! I adore this style! You made it so errotic without using a bunch of erotica! How cool is that? :) I had only one 'bump' while reading. One that jumped out and made me reflect--couldnt place it into my 'definition' or 'perspectise'
where stars are born.
to brim my empty sky.
^somehow that steals from the rest of the piece. Just my opinion.
braille of my breasts
^^original? fantastic!
whisper to me
all those beautiful lies
that I might feel belief.
^how common this feeling! You have said it well.
I like it. Your talent shines. Well done!
~smiles! Ellen
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