This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2012-11-14 17:24:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Mysterious River

I often sit on the bank and watch the mysterious river It’s like train tracks that suggest passage or abandonment depending whether you stand or wade in The bottom is usually hidden by rock or mud three feet down or forty only the shallowest or the slowest will let the soles of your feet read them They’re all going somewhere the streams, rivers and creeks going, going they tell me to let go, open my fists letting the water wash over  my porcelain body and soak in Eddies furl in the current pools yawn and wink in little riffles over the hidden bar But I keep still  watching indifferent water pass the same place no matter if it’s in front or behind of where I stand   Time is silent when the wide river bears me downstream and out to sea

Copyright © November 2012 cheyenne smyth


This Poem was Critiqued By: Joe Gustin On Date: 2012-11-16 12:02:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This a very haunting poem. The first time I read it I was in a hurry, the second time I read it I was on my way to work. This time I sat down with a coffee and with absolutly no place go but my imagination. The first Stanza really brings me into the entire poem. "whether you stand or wade in"( this is life) The letting go, open your fist. WOW. I never though of holding on as making fist. I don't have any real suggestions on improvment because the work is clear in its voice and the poem convays where it wants to take the reader. Excellent work


This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Armstrong On Date: 2012-11-16 03:30:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wow, this poem gave me chills. I really could visualize myself there. I love this: "It’s like train tracks that suggest passage or abandonment depending whether you stand or wade in" And this: "only the shallowest or the slowest will let the soles of your feet read them" Excellent imagery. I think you could play with "They 'tell' me to let go...". It would be more powerful if you used "They 'want' me to let go" It gives the water a more possessive nature and intimates a less direct form of communication. "Time is silent" is a bit of a cliché as a well. That could be replaced with some other description. If you really want to still include "time" in there then you can say something like "time is irrelevant". Otherwise, that's a great part to trim a bit of fat so you can really concentrate on the feelings themselves.
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