Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

This Poem was Submitted By: Medard Louis Lefevre Jr. On Date: 2015-01-16 00:20:35 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

Weird

I saw you throw your life away you had so much more life to live I heard you looked away and died it's even weirder that you're dead I wonder what it was you saw I sometimes wish I saw the same I saw your body in the lab it's even weirder than when you lived I think so much about what you said once so funny it's funnier now I am so old and you are the same it's even weirder that I think of you I feel dead and you still are all those pointless years pissed away I guess you knew or maybe you were just stupid it's even weirder that I remember forty years and I'm no closer forty years and neither are you I still cry for you and still don't understand it's even weirder that I still care too painful to write sober I hope you find the humor your rubberband shot still sticks the mark it's even weirder than the weird maybe too weird, but probably not I don't give you enough credit

Additional Notes:
Kind of personal, kind of older, kind of my david

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2015-02-07 10:54:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
M, this is compelling. I took much of what you said to heart, to my heart. I hope, in you find a humanity break in the writing. I know I did. The verse was not uncommon to me, in fact; although everyone’s life is different, there is a commonality to the experience. Note: Were this mine, I’d work it a little bit to increase the number of assonantal end rhymes. When you do it by accident, it really accents your entire feelings within. A good example are your last four lines, with mark and not- not perfect rhymes but sets up the story. In that vein, for me, I’d end my last line with “credit enough” so the assonance from mark/not extends to ten the piece with enough. This piece is both personal and universal. It captures me, and after several readings, I became as invested in the author, as in the departed. That is a rare feat. The personal anecdotes with no strategic meaning in the poem, are also endearing and set the emotional state of the reader. An excellent read! The title, btw; is perfect.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joe Gustin On Date: 2015-01-19 11:12:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I have read many a poem of hurt, pain and unknowing yet your is as original as it gets. You take your reader down a path you never wished to travel and it is there we get a bit of the horror,a touch of the unreal, a hint of the confusion you must feel. I have had a similar loss myself yet have never been able to bring myself to write about it. Kudos for putting down on paper want must for the heart be impossible to do.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2015-01-18 10:55:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wow, so intense, so poignant and yet it brings this reader to that point that is familiarity of what you have spoken in such a gifted penning of verse. The emotions come through clear, like road maps of life and the questions are like fallen leaves that cause one to ponder--how does this feeling translate to another and yet it's meaning captured. Well thought out, good flow with ease to read and each thought flowing seemlessly into the next. Most enjoyable, nice to see a post from you. Lora

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia L McCaslin On Date: 2015-01-16 13:26:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The compelling aspect of this piece is that it sounds like a guy, alone, talking to himself. When I talk to myself, it comes out just like that—little puffs of thoughts that have randomly made their way through my head. So, at once, I felt comfortable reading this, and it didn’t matter if the lines cohered or not. It is more realistic if they do not but present themselves in a random non-order because that is one of the beauties of thought. Three lines are my favorite “too painful to write sober” (love that!) “your rubber band shot still sticks the mark” (more story there?) and your ending “I don’t give you enough credit”—however the last line takes me back to Line 15 “I guess you knew or maybe you were just stupid”—was someone being stupid about an illness or just didn’t want to face facts. Forty years ago, she was quite young. I feel there are stories within stories here, but sometimes poems have to give us peaks and no valleys; otherwise you have a short story. Very interesting read and so good to see the participation. Marcia

Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!