This Poem was Submitted By: Joe Gustin On Date: 2015-07-10 23:29:41 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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When Love Leaves When love leaves
she seals the windows
and steels the doors
She downs every bird
buries every bumble bee
whitewashes any rainbows
and drowns every need
When she walks
its over your heart
Her silence is poison
your fault from the start
Your blood flows like chalk
your begin to carry your mind
around in a week old sock
no more whispers, let alone talk
So now I learn
to know the shadows
Only when when you dive
do you discover the shallows
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Copyright © July 2015 Joe Gustin
This Poem was Critiqued By: kevin Dunn On Date: 2015-08-07 17:02:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hello Joe. Ah! yes "when love leaves" in deed. The meter changes from stanza to stanza making it uneven, but it works in the read. I am a bit of a fan of those who to not stick with convention. Sort of a mix of poetry and prose. Also like the what I call soft rhyme. It just as it should stay in my mind. Loved it.
Kevin.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2015-08-02 09:59:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Joe -
Very creative imagery in this poem. I love your 2nd verse where you say "whitewashes any rainbows" along with relating to such a loss - the colors disappear but reappear every now and again.
IMHO - this fills the mind with impact of how losing love takes on a life of it's own then as we progress in what ever manner we choose - we learn - I believe that is how you ended this piece - To dive back in to the memories brings the emotional pain to the surface - If you know what triggers the pain you try to avoid it.
Very unique structure, rhyme and thoughts -
Enjoyed your poem,
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2015-07-12 11:04:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Joe,
Powerful opening. Again, some nice Gustin flourishes. Enjoyed.
MSS
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