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I so miss the tone nation
I so miss the tone nation of your beautiful voice Your the causal draw of your breath before you spoke anything at all I miss the lyrics of your laughter The dark meanings of your moans How your eyes would spark in sudden diamonds when my words would find their mark Your were my joy expressed in female form You were flights of fancy And lovely legends of lore How could I have been so blessed To have ever seen you in that little black dress And well, of course, you know the rest.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2016-04-06 10:13:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joe, Love the poem until the ending, which didn't do much for me. You can turn a phrase with arresting simile/metaphor, like "sudden diamonds." Eyes/Diamonds is commonplace - but that "sudden" gives it a freshness - a representative Gustin turn for me. Similarly, "lovely legends of lore" also borders on the commonplace, but the alliteration gives enough "surprise" - the additional "lovely" which takes the, again, commonplace "legends of lore" and makes it fresh because of that additional alliteration. But then you here, as often, resort to the simple prosaic summation or "point" - "well, of course / you know the rest." That weakens the poem, Joe. Again, I think you too often merge your good qualities and expressions with the prosaic statement. Cut out the prosaic statements and craft something whole in line with your lyricism and you got something complete. MSS
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