This Poem was Submitted By: Joe Gustin On Date: 2016-10-25 14:06:40 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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I Only Have Heaven
I only have heaven
While you walk the face of earth
As flowers bend sideways
to watch you pass.
As rainbows lie themselves
down before you in order
to lighten your path.
As time slows down to
really see you in your
most beautiful moment
in the sudden seconds
of your infectious
laughter |
|
Copyright © October 2016 Joe Gustin
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ashni Irey On Date: 2016-10-25 22:19:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
SO beautiful! Last stanza is gold!
This poem is so magical in that every line is surrendering your soul and everything that has mesmerized it all to this one person.
Simple words put together to capture this little 30-second movie.
Even Time had to yield.
I love this!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2016-10-25 15:03:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Joe, you are such a minimalist. Reading this I wanted more!
Your assonance throughout is so well done, the way the words play off each other; sideways/pass, pass/path, heaven/bend, seconds/infectious. Well done. The shadow consonant and vowel companionship make this a special piece.
I think either comma the “pass” or eliminate the “As”. I'd drop the "As". As is a bad habit of mine.
I felt the impetus of watching the walk, the restitution of the earth after a storm, the rainbow metaphor needing a storm to enhance the effectiveness of the walk.
Infectious is such a great word. I appreciate that you used “laughter” and not some more romantic term; in itself it turns the coin romantic.
Well done sir.
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