arnie s WACHMAN's E-Mail Address: whiffinpoets@shaw.ca

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN	Critique Date
a rant	charles r pitts	A good bit of biting humour here. I think that you can vastly improve this by splitting the last two long verses into 4 lines each. It would read much easier.There is a bit of a stumbling block in the second verse third line. I think it can be re-worked. Also, "one more rung". Rung of what? A ladder, a bell? I love the last four lines...that's what it's all about. Those who have more toys when they die - WIN!	2006-01-08 13:24:22
Parallel Lives	Kenneth R. Patton	As a (retired)therapist, I never realized that cat's had low self esteem. Perhaps there is some tranference here? My cat, now I think 10, has taken to squeeling like a baby who has been pricked with a pin. He's trying to tell me something. What is it? Cute piece. So, according to this piece I am going backwards (in time)?	2006-01-07 09:31:24
Apprenticeship	Mark Andrew Hislop	Well, I am no Christian. I do not believe in Jesus. Some say I will burn in hell...but my faith does not teach that premise. Make sure that rope isn't too long! Shalom, and HNY. What you said, you said well. I had to find out who this steve was. Never heard of him before. Good luck with your destiny and humility.	2006-01-02 19:47:48
To Oakwood and Back	Thomas Edward Wright	What a tribute. I don't know if it's negative or not. That's not for me to say. However, I have a heavy feeling, a sad feeling upon reading this. I have children who resent me for one thing or another...I don't know why...they don't talk. Sad, sad, sad...and I am more sad upon reading this. I don't know if your dad is alive or not, but it's a hell of a way to be remembered. You have an out pouring here...some guilt,sadness,..I could use more adjectives, parables, etc. but I must stop here before I run for a crying towel. Like I said, hell of a way for a father to be remembered.Normally I shy away from such tomes, long poetry but for some reason this drew me in. Hell of a way to start the NY don't you think?	2006-01-01 16:33:19
The New Year of New Meanings	James C. Horak	Jeez James. Chris would never banish you. You, let's face it, did annoy some in the past. But so what? They have thin skins. But then I ask you...was it all necessary? And I say that with all humility. I have always been the ranter and a lot of times the odd man out. However, maybe that's the reason I have been having so many physical problems lately. I must learn to temper my thoughts yet not hold them in. It's a fine balance. Why am I telling you all this? Maybe so others may learn. So that I may learn for myself. So that I am my own worst enemy...yadayada ad infinitum. BTW: Is not tender box supposed to be tinder box? I just looked it up, and yes I am right. Anyway, your voice lends credence to the ills of what goes on. The lessening of fireworks is necessary. And why not? Take care of yourself. Glad to hear you still have a voice left. HNYear to you and family.	2006-01-01 10:40:46
The Symmetry Man	arvin r. reder	Midnight is fast approaching and I realize I cannot do any justice, so let me just leave it at that. And I am tired and I have just met the man. The Symmetry Man!	2005-12-31 20:47:07
Leave-taking	stephen g skipper	You should continue this story. It needs to be expanded. I like these kind of stories. HNY.	2005-12-31 20:43:39
CONTRASTING WAYS	arvin r. reder	A wonderful story of our Canadian North. Rhyme is fairly good. Could use a little tightening up here and there.Fish kiss the rising waters...an original line. Good one Arvin.	2005-12-31 18:58:34
Trusting Eyes	Kenneth R. Patton	What a lovely tribute Kenneth. I too have a cat. I adopted him. Never thought I would get attached, but I have. He's about 10 now and as frisky as ever. Thanks for this.	2005-12-31 15:12:27
Inner Me	stephen g skipper	Oh Stephen. Why so disparaging? You are seeing your soul through her eyes. Everything will be okay. There is nothing ever to be afraid of. You set your own limits...set them free. Good verse here. Well laid out and I like the format. Your title certainly drew me in and gave me some insight into you. Thanks.	2005-12-31 15:05:39
The Time Is Near	Debbie Spicer	Since I sort of know you, I know your history and can totally relate to it. As a Retired Nurse myself I have faced similar problems. However I can attest to one thing...this too shall pass and the wholde thing is to not dwell on it. Go on to something else. I understand PTSD. With the love of family, and outside help, you can win...take care Debbie. Best wishes for New Years. P.S.: I too had a similar manager and that is basically why I left before my time. You will win!	2005-12-30 12:07:43
Red wine cries on a washing machine's shoulder	Mark Andrew Hislop	Geez, I hope you do get laid one way or another. I don't think I'm dispossessed though. You are becoming (?) tres cynical. Good message here. You have a funny way of relating getting laid and being fucked. Havy a good year Mark...and stay on board. I hear you quit. Hopefully not.	2005-12-30 09:33:45
Time	DeniMari Z.	You are so right. Can;'t argue with your premise. But time is nothing without a watch or calendar or the stars. Time is just a word...Trouble is , most people project a future, but the future is now. Okay? I would change the title here and make it more intruiging. Personally I don't like using titles that are already in the poem.	2005-12-24 17:43:47
Unfreezing December	Jordan Brendez Bandojo	You said it well for your beliefs. Please do not forget others or non Christian belief. Seasons greetings to you Jordan. Good to see you posting again.	2005-12-18 10:05:06
10:26 Revisited	Sandra J Kelley	Hi Sandra. Didn't I see this poem before? Looks familiar. Anyway, may I caution you to eliminate the capital letters at the beginning of your sentences please? It makes for a very stumbly read. I think what you did was cut and paste, but you can eliminate this problem. Pierced by only a sprinkling Of stars. Grass under our feet....this would sound much better by inversing the "by only" to "only by". And again your hand Is the only warmth....I wouldn't repeat this line. To me it's value has been done already. So are you stuck in a time warp or is there no clock maker around to repair it? To be honest, I find this kind of bland...but hey, that's my opinion as a critiquer.	2005-12-17 12:14:05
Of what there is of life that cannot find a home	Mark Andrew Hislop	This is a philosophy that I espouse. I believe that our atoms (of the body)never get lost. We incorporate each one from time immemorial. I had an arguement once with a poet (my nemesis) and she basically called me an idiot for thinking that we may also carry the earmarks of Hitler! So yes, I will go forth into that darkness and hopefully.... Your title was very intruiging and it did find a home...my home... The body certainly held my interest as well.	2005-12-16 11:41:24
Mind Bender	Thomas H. Smihula	I think this is a dream within a dream! I would also repeat the first stanza into the last stanza. That way it would certainly "bend". The memories will be released upon certain triggers, i.e.: sights, sounds, smells, etc. You can't force them. Anyway, this is a good look into your dreams and wishes. Seasons Greetings.	2005-12-16 11:33:32
Lazarus The Luthier	stephen g skipper	I did have to find out who Luthier was...interesting that you put Lazurus together with him and wound this tale of a music maker. You held my interest with this one. Thanks for posting and seasons greetings to you.	2005-12-15 18:07:37
The End Is Near	arvin r. reder	It won't be long huh? Oh well guess I'll go down with the rest. Arvin, your poetry is getting better each time I read them.Your descriptive passage in the first stanza is wonderful. I'm glad at least you had Tanya to listen to to help with the lonliness and the one pot meal (sometimes the best kind). long turns changing genders on the trail....this is the one line I don't quite get but it seems apropos. Thanks for posting. An interesting piece.	2005-12-15 17:56:52
Second, First.	Mark Andrew Hislop	Wow...what a tome! First/second what? World wars? Books of the bible? Nazi Jew? Quite the oxymoron. A Jew could never be a Nazi. Good point about Schindler though. We could debate him for years. He was an alcoholic womanizer but that's besides the point. He did save thousands of Jews but for whose benefit? HIS? I've got a bad cold and gotta stop here. Nice one Mark...I think this is exceptional.	2005-12-15 11:28:11
Yuletide Wishes For Marilyn	Mell W. Morris	Already did that long before you asked. Did you read mine?	2005-12-14 11:23:33
Ingredients	Thomas H. Smihula	Somehow I fail to equate the first two stanzas with the last two. What am I missing here? The mind is the brain is the essenses here...are they too the soul? A lot has been written about souls but has anybody ever seen one? I remember watching many a patient die and I immediately looked for a soul escaping. No such thing. At least to me anyway. Ingredients? How about some Dom Perrinon? Just kidding. I know you make a good point here but...but in my way of thinking of what a good poem is and/or should contain, well it did just that...made me question and that is good in itself.	2005-12-13 14:59:55
Mannequins	Mark Andrew Hislop	But, but, but...there is no future. ONly now. But what you've read here is already past. And now it appears you want to ban Barbies? What about my grand-daughter who doesn't give a rat's ass about anatomically correct dolls. That's why I gave up my blow-up one for the real thing! Oh Mark...too funny man! P.S.: And I happen to like the female ass!!!	2005-12-13 14:52:42
The Good Canadian	Mark Andrew Hislop	I am truly humbled. I shall say no more but thanks, merci.	2005-12-11 11:14:29
08/12/05 (am)	stephen g skipper	Whoa...have another hot toddy mate. No need to write in rhyme. This is well understood. Very evocative and truthful feelings on your condition. Stay inside and bundle up. This piece is a different directiion for you. I have lived in snow country half my life, and never heard the sound but it's quite indicative of your feelings and what's going on for you. Thanks so much for sharing.I can almost feel your pain.	2005-12-10 17:28:23
Pretzel	Mark Andrew Hislop	Do you know the Yiddish word for pretzel is pretzel. And why wouldn't anyone like pretzels esp. the NY kind that one buys from a street vendor? Nothing like it in the world. Maybe you need some smoked meat on latkes on a bagel to go along with that. Wash it all down with a cherry coke and you will feel like a new man that has exorcised his first bad sexual experience. Like man, how bad could it have been? Like that was over 19 years ago!!! I didn't know the anus was a pore! Must look up my anatomy book. Geez, and I got 100 & in that subject. What a wonderful trip that pretzel must have had!!!!!!!!!!!!	2005-12-10 17:15:11
Yuletide Wish For TPL	marilyn terwilleger	Okay Marilyn, point taken. However there are many none Christians on this site. How about us/them? Seasons greeting eh?	2005-12-10 13:34:46
I am 20 years behind schedule: still,	Mark Andrew Hislop	But you didn't write the title backwards~! I knew from the very beginning what you were getting at. Interesting none the less. Ah Jennie...I knew a gal like her once but she was 23 and I was 43. Those were the days! Seems to me she made you poet! After all, without her, your poetry wouldn't exist would it? A fun piece. Do I still deserve a 6? If your mind is turning back on itself then you are headed for the big A. Watch out my friend!	2005-12-09 23:07:50
At The 318 Where	Thomas Edward Wright	Okay, I can see why you're so high on the list but this was the last in my list to vote on...guess you really don't need my votes do you? I take it that the 318 is a club? Strippers? Lots of cigars smokes? Were you one of the eccentrics there? Being a singer myself I only question the tight vocals. If you mean the rhythm then that's okay. Or perhaps a trill? A singer can't be tight as they sing or else the vocal chords would squeal~! or am I reading too much into this? I liked the double entendres of sin.	2005-12-07 14:09:14
there are so many things i don’t want to learn	Mark Andrew Hislop	according to Einstein, the Universe is an elipsis so you may well be calling on yourself. So, fuck that! Nope, no ceeegar! BTW, 7th line 1st stanza: Hear? or Here?	2005-12-07 14:00:47
Golden Leaves in Crimson Hands	Mandie J Overocker	I'm glad you mentioned you had no intended rhyme scheme 'cause I was going to tell you the rhyme is forced...but you got your message out although to my taste it's way too long. See what you can do by shortening and tightening the lines.	2005-12-03 08:36:29
Taking your leave	Mark Andrew Hislop	Don't eat too many peach pits! You must read my poem today on truth! So, you are unalike each other. That's good. One needs diversity. this piece is not drivel. It is honest to the gut isn't it? Nicely written in soliloquay (sp?) format. It does ring true (or so it seems).	2005-12-02 17:29:09
Thirty Days Has September	Mell W. Morris	April, june...and well , you know! Is this autobiographical? A well written story as only you can write and in a format all your own (I've tried to write in that format but am unsuccessful). I loved the line about the tea cup (bitter taste?). Men aren't stupid...we're just unimaginative sometimes. Yeah sometimes we don't know what we're missing, but hay, it takes two to do the passe doble. ARIBA!	2005-12-01 09:35:15
Oasis	Mark Andrew Hislop	Before I forget - I don't think you were around at the time I wrote "dinky-di". Look for it. I think you will enjoy it. Okay, back to your poem. There is ever the mystery surrounding this. Water, is the staff of life (next comes bread). Without water we die in 10 days or so. The sand is sore, it's hot and the oasis provides nourishment. And hopefully the palms bear dates. They mystery of 1945 leaps out. The end of WW2? The N.African campaign was fought in the desert. Did your brother die there? This is kinda haunting my friend. Wish I had more info.	2005-11-30 16:12:27
The Book of Dirt	Mark Andrew Hislop	Is you is or is you ain't? Well, what's the point of all this rambling? Too much, too much...it is as adrift as the sea see? I also don't get your title...oh well. C'est la vie. A tu les chamignons? or, have you been having tea with the jolly swagman?	2005-11-30 15:50:40
SECRETS IN THE WELL	arvin r. reder	This is a good poem about a past love. Sewing from river to stream is very original. And so what did you do in the church yard? inquiring minds (at least mine) want to know. This is such a well written piece of your youth. Well done. I liked your title and I wonder about that well!	2005-11-30 10:29:59
Arctic Roads	arvin r. reder	Oh Arvin, I drove that highway once starting out from Grande Prairie, Alberta. Drove through 'til Yellowknife. Got stranded there after the breakup, and had to wait for the ferry a couple of weeks. Very costly affair. Good poem which outlines the winter road really well.	2005-11-29 19:08:29
Shadow Beyond Solitude	marilyn terwilleger	Well Marilyn. To me anyway, You have not let go of the past in regards to this person you lament on about. The enchanted birds come but once a year obviously on the date of death. But it's a good thing that the Heather blooms to counter act that and bring solace. Now stop maquerading and get out there!and don't cast a shadow! while you're doing it...	2005-11-26 16:18:22
At Her Grave, and After	Thomas Edward Wright	And so it goes. But you remember don't you? This one's NOT a joke for sure.	2005-11-26 11:22:33
October Blues	stephen g skipper	Ah Stephen, I feel for you and understand your plight. I know sunlight isn't good for the drugs you are taking but put lots of block on and perhaps you will get some small comfort. It's great to see that you are writing and educating those that don't know of your insidious disease. You laid out the piece very well, and of course the title is appropriate. "Picking up the blanket of dark depression" says it all so well from your eyes, your viewpoint. Stay healthy my friend.	2005-11-25 10:41:56
The Origin of Specious	Thomas Edward Wright	Well, I have a few degrees...yet I didn't understand a thing here. Maybe because I'm not a Christian? To me it's all hiergliphics...in other words...not readable. Certainly I couldn't find any pontificating here...	2005-11-25 10:36:05
For my father, when he will be on his deathbed	Mark Andrew Hislop	Now I cry. My father died at age 54 on the OR table. Too young, too young. Enuf. I am sad.	2005-11-24 16:43:54
Separate ways	Mark Andrew Hislop	Okay, I hear you...now get on with life Mark. Harsh words? You bet! It's time to lessen the self indulgence. At first I thought, wow this is going to be very sexual but it turned out otherwise. Oh shit I think that I screwed this one up. Anyway I thought I should leave my first interpretation up so that You can see how my mind works (fuzzy). Now I think this has something to do with chemo. Am I down for the count?	2005-11-24 16:41:21
The Overman Culture	Mark Andrew Hislop	So, how come you're alive to tell the story? What a hell of a way to go! But is there any better way? Chestnuts tasting of the Whores (why the capital)...quite clever though. This at least I could sorta understand. Shalom.	2005-11-20 12:43:48
Chatswood honey	Mark Andrew Hislop	Not so oblique. I think this is well crafted.Why? Because I could understand it. As the saying goes, "been there..." ad naseum...only mine left for Phoenix and I never heard from her in 16 years! The one line I loved is "the credit card language of shopping". Isn't that so true? Oh, and also the musty undergarments - FEH! I wonder what the knights in armour did? Shalom.	2005-11-20 12:37:04
Spin Cycle	stephen g skipper	I am happy to read that your new medication is working. It does open up new paths as you have written.Like the Phoenix you will rise again. I'm not too sure of the second to last line...it doesn't read right...I mean the word "by"...can you use something else? BTW, I only passed through your city on the way to Shakespeare's place.	2005-11-19 13:36:48
New Bedlam	Mark Andrew Hislop	Strange that I should write a poem along sort of similar lines. Bedlam. I never knew of the place until I practiced psychiatry and it was mentioned by an Irish Psychiatrist. Who wrote "these words shall set you free?" No, I think it was the Truth shall set you free. Doesn't matter. No mention of bondage there. I think you are being too hard on yourself if this is in some way autobiographical. I think You DO feel the word for better or worse 'cause if you didn't...then you wouldn't write...RIGHT? I think you've already left "this wordy Bedlam far behind". Take care and keep on writing and leaving and...well you get the idea don't you?	2005-11-19 10:32:05
Quorum	Mark Andrew Hislop	You know Mark, I was about to hit the "SKIP" button, but decided after reading this thrice, No, I won't do that. I will just tell Mark...I didn't understand a fucking thing! So be it. Am I stupid or what? P.S.: I wish that I could write like you so that people could tell me the same thing!	2005-11-14 17:06:38
Remembrance Day	arvin r. reder	The first stanza is exceptional but then I think it kind of withered. To make this "sound" better you must use plurals where you started with one...i.e.: the third stanza. The last stanza I did not completely understand what the "cage" man was. Perhaps the "cave" man? I always go to the ceremonies in our town except for this year when it's not possible but will watch proceedings on the tv. Thanks for bringing this to us.	2005-11-10 10:09:53
Bang Today	Dellena Rovito	ah Dellena. great to see you philosophizing. No we don't know who we are.I liked what you did here by bringing the two themes together. But where is God in all this? No mention of a superior being that could possibly be behind all this matter of stars, etc.If you find out, let me know.	2005-11-06 17:49:50
Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN	Critique Date

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