arnie s WACHMAN's E-Mail Address: whiffinpoets@shaw.ca

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Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN	Critique Date
A Society Gone Wrong	Ms.Kim Shumaker	Honi soit qui mal y pense...evil to those that think evil! If you believe you are part of an evil society, then you can do one of two things. Opt out and die, or fight what you think is right. Nothing changes...nothing ever will. It just goes round and round in a different form in a different century. My point in all this is...so what? I find your less of a poem and more of a treatise. I would suggest you lay it out differently as it would read much better and easier. Right now it's like I was reading a newspaper article. Thanks for bringing forth your views and posting this here. P.S.: You are the first person on this site (and I've been here since it began), to use the title of Ms.	2004-08-30 21:40:46
A Loss of White	Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.	My goodness this certainly is laid out to tell a story about a horribly depressed person. The last two lines say it all..."I am not here. White is black." Whatever happened to your light that was brighter than quasar? You hint at some health problems...but don't reveal what they are. I truly hope you get some help, and thanks for bringing forth this insight into yourself as depressing as it was for me to read it. GET SOME HELP PLEASE.	2004-08-30 21:22:24
New Hope Shopping	DeniMari Z.	There are times I would like to go back to those "good old days." This brought around to me the sights and smell and feel of a gone by era I'm proud to say I was a part of. I would have said "scented" candles or beeswax candles in L5 to give it more flavour. Well laid out and an easy read. Thanks for bringing me back. An interesting side here ... I've moved to the west coast of Canada and am only 100 feet from the ocean. This is (old) hippie haven. More VW camper vans still painted in ] psychedelic paints than I care to count. Thanks for posting.	2004-08-27 20:44:36
Conception	G. Donald Cribbs	Well congratulations to you both. A wonderful way to share this event starting with a very private view which you cared to open to us. I liked the way you ended the 5th stanza on the word "coming." Well done in that respect. I am not quite sure about the inclusion of Jacob here but I'll accept it. Once again, thanks for posting this interesting piece. P.S.: I'm not sure which poem I liked better...Maunday Thursday or this one.	2004-08-27 20:08:40
First Visit	Edwin John Krizek	As one who has gone through some of the stuff you mention here, and went on to become a Psychiatric Nurse, I must commend you on your openess, and clarity and revealing some of your inner psyche. I'm not familiar with the term "sport fucking." Perhaps it has a regional conotation.There is a typo on line 9, chase s/b chased. I hope the ending is a happier one here although it takes more than one visit to the shrink. For "sort of a narative you did alright by me. Thanks for posting.	2004-08-25 16:22:52
INSOMNIA	Jana Buck Hanks	Well now, at least you're normal haha. We all have those wild bouts with insomnia. Maybe you shouldn't have eaten all those spices which caused you to down the Zantac. A humerous approach of which we need more of on this site. My humerous poems don't seem to fare well on this site. Anyway, You caused me to chuckle for which I thank you.	2004-08-24 19:34:16
Speed Metal	Jeff Green	The analogy between speed the drug and the god is well taken. Loved the line about lidocaine and feet. Never thought of doing that in all my years of a nurse. I hope it's not my pharmacist that's cooking up those drugs! Q. about line 7. Should "desert" be "deserted" or did I read that wrong?Thanks so much for posting.	2004-08-23 19:47:26
Undaunted Soul	marilyn terwilleger	This does sound vacant and most of all lonely.You don't express what all the hurt is about leaving the reader without answers, but maybe it's best that way. I liked the way you expressed the tear drops like darts. Good analogy.Short and to the point. Ouch! I would suggest to take out the first "but" in L2 and replace it with something else.You have more "buts" in L4 & 6 which could also be dealt with. Thanks for posting.	2004-08-23 19:38:42
Tolerance	Andrea M. Taylor	Well this would make a good topic in a debating class, or better yet a logics class. I'm not sure I believe in your last line. What is faith and where does it come from? You say G-d? And I say it nothing but a blind belief imposed on us by those that think they have the answers. Wisdom is learned tolerance? Again I would disagree, however it is easier for me to debated such issues in a face to face confrontation. This does not mean that I dislike the poem, because it did make me think for a change. And exactly what is "blind tolerance?" Why should I tolerate something, blindly? That just doesn't make sense to me. Oh well, those are my views and points. Thanks so much.	2004-08-18 19:49:22
Maundy Thursday	G. Donald Cribbs	Good one. ?A bit long. But nevertheless enjoyable. I liked the descriptive tones you gave to this piece..."like apostles on the manna of brains." How did you come up with that/ ? A first I thought it would be a piece on how to kill a deer. I'm glad you didn't. Although I am a meat eater I cannot kill anything bigger than a fly. Nice entry into the piece. I'm glad that you cleared up the Latin. I was never good at that. Thanks for posting.	2004-08-15 21:56:38
Portrait of Loss As Three Styles of Music	Mell W. Morris	Does time heal all wounds? Completely? Or is there always that scar to contend with? Will we always carry those mementos of life's ups and downs? Of our past? And how can we keep that past from affecting our present, our future? I'm sorry but I don't know what dirge is, does it perhaps have another name? The other two types of music aptly fit what you are describing. All in all, a nice read.	2004-08-07 13:54:25
lost at sea	Wayne R. Leach	Such a huge thought for such few words. well done..descibes an angry sea very well. Just a note to say...nice one..	2004-08-06 00:17:13
Parade	marilyn terwilleger	This one is for fun....ha ha. Loved it....have guests, so just a quick note to say I think this is just the cutest...one question? Where are the clowns? Or are they the musicians? I GUESS MOni and I could spend a bit of hot air on a tuba or two... Ha ha...have agreat day.	2004-08-06 00:15:34
japanese verse 55 (Moon)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	And to arnie who is also fascinated. Did you hear the one about the two mentally challenged persons (I hope I'm not offending). One said ...I'm going to run away and get the heck of this place. The other said, what are you going to do and how? I'm going to build a pair of wings and fly to the sun. Are you crazy the other said? You'll burn up. No I won't he said...I'll fly at night! Anyway, oh great Master of the Japanese Verse. That's a good one, and well said. One day I'll try my hand at that form. Cheers, and thanks for posting.	2004-08-05 17:24:14
Least of All Me	Molly Johnson	Nice tribute. I loved the line about freedom and how sticky it becomes. But what about the pain, the grief? Another good line is the "days haze into the concrete." However you came up with that line it is magnificent. And why is he famous? Thanks for posting. The title is a little "iffy" for me (and that's my only complaint).	2004-08-03 20:03:46
Saying Good-Bye at the Seaside Cafe	Joanne M Uppendahl	Endless summer be gone...bring on the ice, and sleet, and snow...Yuck! Give me the warm (most of the time)coast that I live on now. I do not miss the minus 40's and 50's. Liked your more than silly opening. Sounds like something my grand-children would say. I really liked the line about "the periphery..." Good one. Won't you miss the smell of the ocean? You didn't mention that. Thanks for posting.	2004-08-03 19:51:33
Jing Ye Si (A Quiet Evening) Chinese Translation	G. Donald Cribbs	This is special. As one who has been away from home from a very long time, I can totally relate. Beautiful, melodical, a simple treasure. After all, the same moon shines in all the corners of the earth, and we can still share the view, though miles away. Just a note to say well done.	2004-08-03 19:23:06
Sleepless in Colombo	Mark Andrew Hislop	Mark, From the utterly romantic to that of love gone astray. I hope this was not the last poem, but rather a prelude to that I just read. But I guess without the pain we would not appreciate the love. Doesn't make it any easier though, does it? Sleepless nights are but one price we may pay for sharing our soul and entrusting it to another..but we keep trying...take care...and never give up.	2004-08-03 19:18:46
The hallway	Mark Andrew Hislop	You my friend are a romantic. Be this a real person you speak of, or that of your imagination, the feeling within shows true. I love the "mistress of warm chocolate"...I can almost scent the sweetness. I bid you peace and warm wishes. Just a note to say I liked this very much.	2004-08-03 19:14:23
JOURNEY OF THE CRYSTAL CAVE	Jana Buck Hanks	Do you dream in color? It appears so, as the images are so vivid. Just a quick note to say this is all so true. Isn't the mind a wonderful thing? Yes, it can cause us headaches sometimes, but it can also allow us to re-experience pleasant moments with those that no longer walk the planet. Nice read.	2004-08-03 13:21:34
Nocturnal Fantasy	marilyn terwilleger	Marilyn, Sonnet or no, this is a beautiful gift of love from the heart. Once in a lifetime, there is that one person that entwines within our soul and never really goes away. Thank God for the gift of memory, that allows us to re-experience the lost touches and gentle whispers that surround our pillows each night. Just a note to say this is a lovely read.	2004-08-03 00:30:32
Hopeful Dreamer	housam majid jarrar	You have an enchanting soul. I hope you find someone to appreciate it. I am sure you will have no problem, as your words are intoxicating and reveal the tender heart within. Just a quick note to say that I enjoyed this, and wish I had someone to write such words for me. Nice read.	2004-08-03 00:26:54
Water Lilies	Edwin John Krizek	Cameras are amazing instruments, but for all their sophistication, they cannot turn the six senses of reality into the two dimensional world of the lens...but...artfully written words can. Why? Because cameras see with a lens, and words see with the heart. You have shown us your heart. Nice read.	2004-08-03 00:19:00
Symphonious Secret	Jana Buck Hanks	Sometimes the memory of love appears to be more romantic, more diffused than that which appears in real life. In memories, nothing gets in the way, no bills, no fights, no...well, you get the general idea. I envy you your fantasy, which obviously comes from a sensual creative mind. I hope he returns for you. Nice read.	2004-08-03 00:15:32
Hunger...	Patricia Gibson-Williams	Whoosh. Hot, hot, and more hot! Where's my towel? A delectible piece I must say. Hmmm. A bit off the ordinary for you but hey, it works well. But I sure wouldn't gnaw on your tender thighs. I would rather sup on them...ahem. Chocolate syrup? Cherries? Yummmy. (he he). But what other tender morsels do you have awaiting huh? Swell poem and nicely done. Did you ever get your wish? C'mon now, be honest. Phew, I gotta run and take a cold shower! Thanks.	2004-08-02 22:06:48
Worms in the Summer Grass	G. Donald Cribbs	I was starting to enjoy a very peaceful setting of fishing, etc., and then read further. I read into this something about a perverted father bent on sexual abuse. Now if I'm wrong, please slap my wrists. I concentrate on threading a dying worm and imagine it’s him. The ground around makes a sucking sound For me, the above sentence tells me that you wish your father was that worm! And then his presence awakens you. How horrifying. As a (former)Psychiatric Nurse I can tell you that I have counselled many a survivor. Please tell me I"m wrong and off the mark. But that's what I read into this. You mention "us" and the "Rochester boy." Who are they? OMG...thanks for sharing this.	2004-08-02 18:57:56
Photo of an Unknown Relative	Molly Johnson	And the world shall be yours one day. Psalm by Arnie! Good one though. I have seen many a picture such as you have word painted. Seems my mother had such a one. "But her feet ..." . I liked that very eloquent phrasing. Very original. And did you ever find out who she is or was? Thanks.	2004-08-01 20:38:20
Word Pirate	Karen Ann Jacobs	Interesting. Could be an internet relationship gone bad. Or a war of words carried on in cyberspace. One bad thing about a cyberword war, as opposed to a verbal one, once typed and sent, the words cannot be taken back...and anger and all else could escalate. An updated version of sticks and stones, but the weapons are keys and buttons and punctuation marks and computer screens. Like the style, old style language for a modern field of battle. Clever....	2004-07-31 00:08:56
periwinkles	Wayne R. Leach	such a delicate touch....but could have a macabre twist...are those ankles six feet under? or just a lazy spring day and flowers on hormones....one could go several directions with this...at least this crazy mind could....clothed in blossoms either way...a happy thought	2004-07-31 00:02:23
A Fish Out of Water	G. Donald Cribbs	What on the surface appears to be a tale of fishing and the result, not such a great one for the fish, in essence can account for those times when one feels totally out of their depth, when one feels he is beyond the glamour of uniqueness, and the feeling of sticking out like a sore thumb becomes a reality. Esoteric to the bone. Good one.	2004-07-30 23:52:12
Hanging at Home	Mick Fraser	Chicago, the windy city. Never have I been there when the wind was absent. Perhaps you see a different Chicago than I frequented. Sounds like you need a change of scenery. Chicago...political? Yes and then some. Even in the nether world of paid politicos and gangster affiliations. Reputations are hard to get around sometimes. Interesting perspective on a city I've spent considerable time in.	2004-07-30 23:48:17
FIDDLIN' 1952	Jana Buck Hanks	Never heard of this musician. Is there tapes available? Did he ever play outside? like at a folk festival? I kept thinking of Dylan's "It's a hard rain gonna fall." whilst I read this. Once again you show your initimable style (and yes you do have one whatever it's called).It's a great story you portrayed here in sight, sound, and metre. I enjoyed that. Thanks.	2004-07-30 16:02:29
Impurities are the Weight of Water	Molly Johnson	Interesting use of the words "yipped" and "snick".I did have to look up the latter, and I do like a poet that makes me scramble for the dictionary. A nice account of salmon fishing which there is a lot of going on out here in Juan de Fuca Strait. Big tourney this w/e. I think the grand prize is $5ooo. Big salmon around here are 30- 60 lbs. Love the last line immensly. The title certainly drew me in. Well constructed poem and the repetition in the last 4 lines works well. Thanks for submitting.	2004-07-27 19:43:09
NIRVANA	Robert L Tremblay	Well it may be an old one, but its subject is up to date. Welcome back Bobby. I was wondering where you went to. You speak of Karma, your fate, and I wonder how much of this poem has come true. And of Nirvana...have you seen that side yet? Are you there? Are you enlightened? Of course you cannot say you are (enlightened), because then you wouldn't be! You write of spiritual men who marry naught (in order to be spiritual? enlightened?). In the Jewish tradition, the Rabbi is the spiritual man who "must" get married as part of his spiritual path. Thanks for posting.	2004-07-27 19:19:38
I Am Fred Chapter 1V	marilyn terwilleger	Loverly, and witty, and something to start my day. Reminiscint of Dr. Seuss. I haven't for some reason, read the other chapters. Maybe I should look for them. "Oh Fred will you come back?" Shouldn't you change that to "Oh Fred will ye come back?" in order to fit the rest of the poem. Many Brits drop the "h" as in hat...thus 'at, and 'ed for head. I guess I'll have to wait to find out about his blue suit.	2004-07-26 15:25:20
Den of the Wolf - Lair of the Fox 1967	Jana Buck Hanks	This poem had a rhythm that one could almost rap to, but then lost that rhythm about half way down. There is one typo "rivlets" s/b rivulets. Okay. Interesting story of a Macho Man, an uncaring man who took advantage of a young girl who was probably not in her element.No matter what, it's still called rape. This is a very touching story that unfortunately is still carried on today. When I hear stories like this it makes me feel ashamed that I am a man! Great title.	2004-07-24 22:29:11
Another Battlefield	Wayne R. Leach	Too many magic mushrooms Wayne? Yeah I saw them a long time ago when psylocibin (sp?) was in vogue. Oh yeah, I took a few trips with them there paratroopers only I never left the ground! Cute. "First phrases of day" That sentence to me doesn't quite fit. Maybe you meant "phases"? Okay. Got me a laugh or two. Thanks for submitting.	2004-07-22 18:12:38
japanese verse 53 (Ecstasy)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Seventh heaven and cloud nine...now where did those well used phrases first come from and appear.All I can think of is an ice cream cone on a hot summer day; then a dip in the pool. Ahhh extasy. In Yiddish we have a word for it..."Mechiya." I don't know if I spelt that right. But you gotta say it like you're gargling.Thanks. You are the Master at this type of verse.	2004-07-18 23:04:02
Lickin' River	Jana Buck Hanks	You have a truly unique style. Don't lose it. Your poem abounds with sight,sound, and sensual stuff too numerous to mention. A nice throw-back to your youth. Ah those lazy days of summer as a youth. I remember growing up in the city and my parents rented a summer cottage. Can you imagine my first trip to an out house? Thanks for sharing this wonderful story.	2004-07-18 22:59:45
Trust	Jacob W Roberts	Ah camping. Something I haven't done in years but I did love it so. I liked the line the axe-snap-thuds, which gives this poem the visual sounds. I find that, although the poem is basically sound, it does lack rhythm mainly because ehe metre is off in the style you chose to write it in. I would suggest that the last two lines be eliminated or written somehow into the poem. Thanks for submitting.	2004-07-18 18:59:00
Our Backyard	Mick Fraser	YOU certainly don't lack in imagination. Good stuff. Loved the peas (what happened to the cues?).I liked the line "garden party for God's spacemen." Delicious. Nice beginning that drew me in and a great end.	2004-07-17 17:14:22
Atelier Prayer	Jana Buck Hanks	Well you certainly have outdone yourself. This is totally wonderful imagery thrown in with wonderful descriptive tones, colours, etc. You have almost out done yourself. If you had trouble with your muse, I certainly don't think it's there now. Keep it up. Loved it. Nice beginning and a great close.	2004-07-17 17:10:39
Ocean City Weekend	Edwin John Krizek	Interesting trilogy. So this is what you do on a w/e.! The first one is quite visual with a little bit of homespun philosophy, ie we fear our ignorance. I wonder if this part of your trilogy would all be written in the third person, or maybe the first person to make it more meaningful..."I fear my ignorance." You mix the two pronouns in this stanza. In the dream it is all about "we". And the last, well, that's left alone. Was all that deliberate? In the Dream, what got out of hand? Was it a hockey game? Thanks for posting.	2004-05-22 19:44:04
New Chapter	Karen Ragan	I remember you vaguely. So, this is what my mother went through when I got married! My mother never really had the gift of conversing in feelings. You have set it out very well here. Yes, definitely a new chapter in your life, and as the saying goes..."and so it goes." You write that your blood will never be a part of your daughter's. Well in some way it will if they ever have children. Wonder if you ever thought of that? This is a heart warming piece and you opened yourself up for all to see. Your title is apt. Thanks for posting.	2004-05-17 20:14:26
Caprio	DeniMari Z.	A nice bit of philosophy here. I like the line, "accept the fact that we're here." Some believe that we are all old souls (myself included) for where else would we gain insight and knowledge? There are just some things that are never taught yet we know what they are from deep within us. And love is the only way to go and grow. But I never had parents that taught me that! People were brought into my life that did. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. It's a well constructed piece and works well.I'm not sure how that title fits in though.	2004-05-15 15:55:24
The Scar the Wing Leaves	G. Donald Cribbs	Oh Donald, this is superb. I love your philosophy. To know yourself, however briefly, is a marvelous bit of introspection. How many actually sit and be still and go inside to search for what they are. One never knows truly the face of G-d, hence the burning bush. But will we when we die? I hope so, otherwise all is for naught. Thanks for giving me this time to reflect. There is one small correction (I think) to make. It is sometimes difficult to stare into a mirror. The surface is hard and unmoving, pavement I have tread upon daily. As I carry his shoes, I too know what binds me to the earth. It is sometimes difficult to stare into a mirror. The surface is (as)hard and unmoving, as the pavement I have tread upon daily. It's your poem. This is just my take on that particular stanza. Thanks for posting.	2004-05-12 15:55:47
japanese verse 47 (Ava Jean)	Erzahl Leo M. Espino	Life springs from the well. How appropriate. Fresh water, and fresh thoughts, etc. Not that I write Haiku, but what do you think about interchanging the first two lines? Just a thought to keep you going. Thanks, and continue your fine writing.	2004-05-12 15:46:15
Haiku (She Digs It)	Marcia McCaslin	Okay. Made me really laugh. Good one. I think it fits the criteria.5,7,5 Good title. Thanks for posting.	2004-04-17 18:21:14
Haiku:Glory	Valene L Johnson	I never really know how to critique haiku, but at least I try. Do you mean that you see little and hear little from your "lord?" the love of your "Lord" fills you so that you feel as if the trumpets were blaring. Okay, strike me down!	2004-04-17 18:17:51
As Circles Close	C Arrownut	Okay...you've told us some history, which in all accounts is true and/or believable. But not once have you said where all this is coming from. Like why did you post this? What purpose is it except to maybe verify facts, and knowledge? Where do you fit into all this conundrum? Is this a poem, or a tale, or a newspaper article? That's my take on this anyway.	2004-04-15 14:48:45
Poem Title	Poet Name	Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN	Critique Date

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