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Displaying Critiques 51 to 100 out of 460 Total Critiques.
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Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by James C. HorakCritique Date
Golden Shearscheyenne smythAn ostentatious use of imagery since the outcome is far more maudlin than otherwise purposeful...like you were aiming an appeal too narrowly at those that shared your own immediate frame of reference. Take a look at W.B. Yeats and his application of his subject matter in his, Cap and Bells. It isn't maudlin there since his is an effort to reach out to the object of his devotion. Yours is all held in and purely introspective. Self-contained is not the impression much useful to a poet. We've seen others here wrap themselves up in ME in this way, and it didn't work any better for them...no matter that they might have been voted high for it. Here, as much as anywhere else, is a line of disembarkation between poetic failure and success. JCH2012-03-09 15:31:09
A Precarious LifeMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.Well....the very best of yours I've read, Medard. Sparkles coming in from all directions and all hitting home. I do think you've found your niche. Indeed, coming to terms with the travel through life, quite an exquisite summation. You are in proud company of many of the early twentieth century humorists when they turned to verse, Lord Dunsany, Don Marquis, Ogden Nash, Charles Erskine Scott Wood...even had Samuel Clemons and Ambrose Bierce (had they ever.) High praise and it makes me ambitious to support your poem in the contest...although you've already been doomed by the hit assassins that practice "I'll show you syndrome" anytime their anti-intellecutal ackles are raised. But at least someone will give you acknowledgement. JCH2012-03-08 13:24:05
voting dayEllen K LewisI would presume this applies personally to someone which would make it very touching, emotionally so as well. In such a case the poetic impact overcomes questions of style, technique, form...it is a gift direct from the mind and heart. MORE than poetry, more than message...yes, touching in the most acute of ways. As a hope and encouragement, I would like to offer, in the most self-effacing of ways, two articles I wrote on how powerful healing (in such cases as yours) can be in the presence of a well-directed power of expectation. They are not long and tedious and I hope they stir more possibility into your life than you had before. Always, my deepest concerns, JCH http://www.ufodigest.com/news/0907/anomaly.html http://www.ufodigest.com/news/1208/challenge.html 2012-03-08 12:30:11
My Feb 2012 voteMark Andrew HislopNoble practice, this disclosure. That is,presuming the favor is returned. However, some people cannot be shamed into being fair and just. So I am not going to be hidebound to it. But I respect the idea. JCH2012-03-07 23:32:39
Spell for Retrieving a LoverMark Andrew Hislop"Occupy a staightjacket, test your sinews/against it....very good internal rhyme. The imaginative conjuring of the last line, "Nothing says 'time passes' like a lily. very interesting. A doubly interesting quote to begin with. A poem evoking thought more than ardor. But that's fine...far more sane. JCH2012-03-07 23:21:21
Catching the MomentDellena RovitoWell, a lark is a lark is a lark. We sometimes muse over the damnedest things. Hot days and buzzing flies... drowsy hypnotics. JCH2012-03-07 23:13:04
Undiscoveredcheyenne smythSome kind of drama for a poet's drought. And then you blame an "indolent pen". My dear lady, you could get a man arrested for raising his voice. Or is this Latin passion? JCH2012-03-07 23:04:28
Carnival GlassDellena RovitoThey still have carnival glass on midways? An excellent focus for poem magic, Dellena. The extrapolation to clouded out sun and the play on light through the glass...tentative winning, all blend in sensory appeal. Especially to those growing up around fairs and carnivals. Interesting rhyming scheme as well. JCH2012-03-07 22:56:05
May I Have This Romance?Ellen K LewisThe lightly mixed rhyme is delightful, escaping the perception of contrivance. As is the least contrived circumstances for "falling in love" the most compelling. Lovely to a man that a lady wrote this. We men tend to think of courting as labor. But not if we're advised better. As so you have. JCH2012-03-07 22:45:17
Ash Wednesday Black FaceMark Steven SchefferIs there a ceremony that vindicates us of willful ethnocentricity, the kind that associates guilt by association on the most superficial of differences? Something tyrants use to drive us into confused hostilities for their own benefit? And is their an associated time for self-examination. In the sixites, (the time of tambourines to my mind) we thought so. Our Ash Wednesday. JCH 2012-03-07 22:34:51
Cedar Swingcheyenne smythExcepting for the last line, this is an exceptional poem and more typical of the work of yours I've liked. Embracing the curls of the wind is elegantly imaginative and at once remarkable, bringing your reader up to wonder just how that is...and it holds well for anyone that has had a loose collar in a cool and circling breeze. Just address that last line, please. JCH2012-03-07 13:23:51
As the World Churns..or...Caveman CrossingEllen K LewisToo many statements poetically unsupported by imagery. Redo since the potential to justify the effort is here. JCH2012-03-07 13:18:20
Time TravelMark Steven SchefferLovely...and I mean that. "the snow was a sacrament" to the mind in the recollection with dear ones, a perfect way to bring the reader into your moment. JCH2012-03-07 13:14:29
WonderingDellena RovitoVery good, my pretty. You need to step on Mark's tail more often. It takes richness of thought to make a poem like this work and you show it in abundance. The last verse possesses an inspired simile. JCH2012-03-07 13:08:54
Tombstonescheyenne smythThis poem could be improved by a familiarity with Gray's, Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard. Capture the mood more of the place, hints of moss, fungal decay, contrasted against the refreshing of memory. By playing with such point-counterpoint poetic irony, the best element of all to be found in elegy, can spring forth. JCH2012-03-07 08:10:07
Fighting Tearscheyenne smythNice and tight in form. At that, too predictable. But my prejudice. Like a lover taken to the point of habit. Because you're good at something doesn't mean you couldn't be better at something else. A poet is never better than when they break with convention and succeed. Hard to do, but I think you could...succeed. From now on, Cheyenne, expect the uncompromising truth from me. It's the one thing most missing here in this fastly, once again becoming mutual admiration society. Let's break this ho hum. Even be outrageous once in while to do so. Nothing stimulates juices more. Be a fire-in-the-blood lady for me. You're no Victorian spinster trying to copy Emily Dickinson. Peaking around the corner a little, I see that. If only I had your cheek to kiss now. JCH2012-03-07 08:02:27
CommunionMark Andrew HislopBelief can have its own richness. And if you look beyond yourself long enough...at the things put together so you can be, perhaps some purpose you'll see. Maybe the dust will be less "undfferentiated". Maybe life will be more if you're not so grasping to avoid death (thinking that's all you have.) Ever think of it that way? JCH2012-03-07 06:27:24
as the world churns or caveman crossingEllen K LewisInteresting use of multi-media (if you intended the endless margin.) Tell me you did. Letting what you have at hand illustrate your point, in other words. Progress is an illusion, after all. JCH2012-03-07 06:21:10
Crappy days are here againHoward D. PalmerWell, Howard, it does say something and, in that respect, is way ahead of attempts that don't. However, decide if you want to write jingles or take a real stab at refining into more. If you want to be a lyricist, for instance, meter it better so that it fits a tune. If you want to advertise dissent, shorten it to place on a sign. If you want to just frolic and play, leave it as it is. At least I can agree with the sentiment. JCH2012-03-07 06:16:40
The StewMark Andrew HislopRemove articles...like, instead "I wonder, now that I am gone" try Gone, I wonder. Leaves you more room for "meat". The wordiness harms the read. Don't worry about indistinctness, use it. Task the reader more, it gets them into the poem. Learn the difference observing free verse from formed and in each poem stick to one or the other. Don't be like me. That will be fifty cents, thank you. JCH2012-03-07 06:05:29
WatermarkMark Andrew HislopYou have the poetic language and always have had your own distinct style with it. Were you to expand out more to the universal...to embody something reflecting the "everyman" concept instead of keeping the poem closer to home, to your personal aspect, your poetry would soar. By reworking this poem that way it could approach elegance. JCH2012-03-07 05:45:15
i woke up and read keatsMark Steven SchefferWell, I wish you had chosen PB Shelley. By the way, are you going to let "poetbard" (laughable) zone in on you with his typically awful, oblique and labored (overly carried) euphemisms?... (the mark of one incapable of ever being able to speak candidly.) His one observable talent is to NEVER come up on the right side of any moral issue. "Humpty Dumpty complex"...that would be grotesque even if the context applied. He deserves the last word on ANYTHING like I deserve Rachel's love. JCH 2012-03-06 13:07:16
Here - AfterMary J CoffmanSensual elegance, your trademark, my dear. I would suggest one change regarding "...dulcet tone of your glance". Mixing the senses up like this in not necessary for your success here and jerks the reader. Smooth it out where you don't confuse the attributes of one sense with another. Simply no gain by doing it, especially within any sensual context. But everything else is beautiful. JCH2011-02-14 07:38:54
The twinsMark Andrew HislopAnd welcome back to your calling. JCH2010-10-30 09:05:57
WitnessMark Andrew HislopIt is not known the why of impasse in affairs of the heart. I bought a house once from a man planning a life with a woman who suddenly stopped having another minute to share with him. And would never give him reasons...even speak with him. It desolated the poor wretch. To this day I don't know if he ever realized the favor the wench did him. It's good to hear from you again, Mark...if only to see you in dismal spirits. Take heart and know your friends realize you deserve only the best. JCH2010-10-30 09:04:13
Ocher Leavescheyenne smythA very subtle and arresting poem, my dear. You were born too late. The English Romantics would have adored you. You title is a signature for your poem's theme, one whose lightness needs little enforcement. My favorite line, "in silken shimmer dreams that never fade" is indeed the best reflection to place on fall, carried in the promise, "I'll send the breath you need to journey on", that there is more. "with ocher leaves so crisp they skip on stone" is use of poetic language highly refined to success. Beautiful. JCH2010-10-29 09:34:00
Midnight LaceLora SilveyWe do? Taste the same...I suppose we do. But not the ladies...to the men...that cooing in the ear, no it's not the same...lady to lady...granting the taste its own flavor, upon the mind, more than the sum of parts. Compared to that, we men are bores...only taught better by women that really care to have more of us than that boasting, that real estate hosting, that rub-a-tub rubbing. Now see what you did to me, Lora? Naughty lady. A sweet email you sent and an excellent, if not too truthful, poem. Hope you are well. JCH2010-10-25 11:47:47
PhasesDeniMari Z.This needs rewriting. Your illusions must lead somewhere. Unify imagery around meaning, else the poem will lose purpose. I know you have one, just tailor the poem better to it. The two lines apart from the poem have poor syntax and lose meaning making the internal rhyme of "dive" with "alive" seem that much more contrived. Rewrite. JCH2010-03-28 16:22:02
TenuredThomas Edward WrightI saw a movie once, a man unceremoniously screwed a woman on a rooftop in an iron bed almost imported, it looked to be there. It was all done to the imposed imagery of some idea of devotion to the Holy Mother. And left at that. Ceremony is the ideal. Death the practice. JCH2010-03-06 00:55:19
Life's SentenceThomas Edward WrightNo, it didn't. JCH, the diabolical2010-03-06 00:44:12
Base campMark Andrew HislopA rare poem for online consumption. A quandary thrown me when I'd like better to have tidy vote. Only that I've been right about you all along and this damn well proves it. And I don't want to see anymore half-hearted attempts from you after this. Easily the most attractive to read poem I've read since I've been here. Though you have screwed up the order of my vote, thank you very much. JCH2010-03-06 00:34:37
All Lights Go OutDeniMari Z.So much better than, Fairy Possible. Instead of me, I want you to tell me why. The last line is full of deeper implication that might have been missed entirely if you had tried to better contrive it to form and structure. I want you to see the tightrope poet's walk between the subtle and the contrived everytime they pick up the pen. JCH2010-03-05 10:21:53
Fairy PossibleDeniMari Z.DeniMari, I'm going to be perfectly honest and show you what ordinarily, were you not caught up in the moment, I believe you would see for yourself. Especially since it only represents a disagreement between something as apparent as "sound and sense". Over the years I've noticed that people use a different standard on poetry sites when they critique than when they poem. Almost as if resisting actually trying to go into the poem of someone elses. A shortcoming I try and avoid and which, over time people come to accept more, the constructive criticism I offer. Were others to focus on this higher penetration instead of simply looking for something "nice" to say to balance out what they perceive that's "negative" (the most horribly misused concept in society today,) we'd all get to poetry excellence much more quickly. The illusions, metaphors, euphemisms you employ here are early on betrayed by a mistake your reader is not going to get over as the first bump in this poem's "road". Not that anyone is going to tell you, except meanie man me (thought of adopting that MMM instead of JCH.) NEVER NEVER NEVER start out a poem using structured rhyme with an illusion, metaphor, euphemism, even a simile that has no concretion in reality. From then on your reader will not get over the incongruity of your reaching contrivance even if your poems' "information" warrants it. And, "...fortess stilling depth" is such a fatal flaw. Even worsened by fulfilling meter and rhyme scheme so well. It has no literal meaning, no figurative, no meaning poetically in imagery or reflection back on past poetic usage. But worse than that it is a bump your reader will not get over unless they just tune out to avoid being honest and apply sensitive reading. If you benefit from this "confrontation" (and I really don't want to hurt your feelings and honestly feel you've talent and depth...or I wouldn't even care) you will not create a pile of embarassment that might become a lineage of embarassment to any established poet further down the road of success. Let me say, my dear, this applies to work by almost every poet here at one time or another. And if I'm picking on you it's because I feel I have cause to expect you, more than the others, to take this well and constructively. Please, please, please, make those first lines doubly meaningful so that if you do take leaps later on in the poem, they'll be an interpretive context for them. JCH2010-03-05 10:05:10
Fire GazerDellena RovitoThere is certainly something magical in watching both the dance of fire when its warmth is needed. Together they help wash the cares of day away and cheer us to the soul. Almost like being in company with friends when having been denied their presence for a while. The parallel is struck by your foot-note. And the reference well appreciated. The last verse has assonance and meaning reflexive with its rhyme. Some winter, winter weather How I'd love us all together. JCH2010-02-19 20:26:25
Remember Tomorrowcheyenne smythThere are poems of mind and poems of mood. The poem of both is a challenge to succeed. Only a themetic core can carry such a blending of these two. As the title infers, a pattern seen in the past can indeed speak for one in the future. But in the third verse you have a needless digression where this joining is not reaffirmed. Qualities of the indistinct and their faceted playing upon our imagination is grand. In the final verse "His" suggests romantic pining from our lady poet and draws the tone to melancholy. The effect is unifyiing and immediate to reflection of the poem throughout. Just fix that third verse. JCH2010-02-18 21:43:50
My January VoteDuane J JacksonYou're too kind to me, Duane. Otherwise your choices are inarguable. Oh, but I for one, spent some agonizing hours to decide. I'll bet you did too. Pests is looking pretty good for next month, again my personal tastes tugging. And Dellena has to confuse matters even more with her splendid, The Gloved One. Of course, Mark's, Torn Pages, is pure focused power. It's back to headache city for me. But seriously, I love it. It's like standing in the street on tacks to catch manna falling from the skies. Small price to pay. JCH2010-02-06 14:22:24
The Gloved OneDellena RovitoLike Whirligig, you strike profoundly euphemism in parallel with something else; in this case, aging. The choice of gloves, over shoes, coats, pants,etc. is very interesting and has its own meanings. I'm quite taken with that...as well as with the beautiful simplicity with which you make this poem work so successfully. You know how fond I am of subtle, uncontrived rhyme and "tips" with "wrist", "grim" with "years", and "faulted" with "annoying" appeal to me greatly. Although, I'm certain, those ear-hardened to the less-than-subtle wouldn't notice at all. Their loss. Aside, you are very generous in your offer to help jumpstart a cash prize tradition somewhat by contributing monies yourself. If you like, you might post your ideas on that to the forum and see if others would like to get involved. Maybe we could concrete some form of system wherein everyone contributes what they can afford. If everyone likes the way I've run this contest, then I would be available and willing to run others. But that can be done by others too. At least I've helped demonstrate it makes a difference. We don't just have more poems, we have better ones. JCH2010-02-06 14:08:53
To Write Like Poecheyenne smythIf you know what a "bridge" is in song, you have something highly similar in the example of the whole of the fifth stanza. Look at the over-all beat in the refrains, "never more", "nothing more", "never more", "ever more", "ever more", and "nothing more". An esoteric quality. The choice of six stanzas instead of the usual five or seven is significant as well. Like Poe, breaking out of the mold. You've done very well mastering the art of inversion to fit more subtle the rhyme scheme, something, again significant to Poe's qualities. Recent biographers have not been kind to Poe, painting him as a sort of dissipant. This regard you show here is not only refreshing, but redemptive to newer readers that might be so easily beguiled to rush of judgement. And to help distinguish between the agonizing Doestoyefskian life a writer might have, opposed to his vision of artistry. Would Poe be flattered by your devotion?....I'll make the leap to assert, I think he would. JCH 2010-02-06 10:22:23
Jan. voteDellena RovitoYes, an excellent month with many wonderful poems. Two more months of contest to go. Hopefully we'll have some stay from the promotion. Maybe we can get Chris's ear and he'll listen to some suggestions. Several have them. It would have been nice had he been involved in the promotion of the contest but that didn't happen. Maybe he yet will, if he's paying attention at all. JCH2010-02-03 21:55:32
Sun Shines Through CracksDeniMari Z.Actually, DeniMarie, I like this poem better than any of yours I recall reading. Yet, it could be improved upon. It rolls on like a lumbering, staggered sentence and it does not need to do so. Take out articles that are unnecessary for understanding, using a degree of poetic license. Give your reader "blanks" to fill in once you've show them direction. That's multifaceting. Free verse IS the most difficult with which to succeed but it is worth the effort. And it damn sure beats the overly contrived. Now let's look at what I like: to a student of MesoAmerica, the lines, "Would we buy/the sun a gift is we could," has powerful meaning. The preColumbian civilizations overcompensated a little doing just that. As touching on keen historical reference, enriching a poem by doing so, this is really a big deal. The lines, "consistent when sad/diaries are written", to speak of the absence of the sun's essence in metaphor is grand. But at best, the parallel you draw between other forms of loss with that of the son's seasonal migration and its seeming "loss" is parallelism used well. JCH2010-02-02 08:33:24
A Different Pathcheyenne smythI want you to try something, Cheyenne. "Skeletonize" this down to what bare essentials are needed to grasp your meaning...then enrich what is left with imagery. Imagery that you vision, feel, almost touch. It's in other poems of yours, even those highly form conscious. But I don't see it here to the same extent. Words like "scream" and phrases like, "swallowed by shrouds" alone don't justify the intensity suggested. Bring this up to the powerful potentials growth, suggested by your title, must actually represent. JCH2010-02-02 08:13:07
Letting Go Is Easier In Your Own TimeDeniMari Z.Yep, sounds like some New Ager's advice. Surprised she didn't throw in some aroma therapy and birch leaf tea. For it has to be "your own time", no doubt about it. We're all different and our love is not the same either. I wouldn't venture to say I could grasp the depths of a mother's love and sense of loss. Else I'd be no better than Miss Flippant here. And nothing's to say you will ever get over all the pain and that I can grasp. I doubt I could and pray I will never lose a child so dear to me. JCH2010-02-01 22:15:00
See At First SightDeniMari Z.Yes, and a better poem. It has the magical indistinctness to which I've alluded often enough, though you break with it a little in the line, "all there is because nothing/exists exactly the same". Better: all there because nothing/exists the same. Be a master of understatement as a poet and NEVER over modify. I would prefer you remove "all" from your poetic vocabulary almost entirely. The phrase, "striking tinted tips...." is poetically illiterative; the subtle rhyme of "life" with "precise" in the sixth stanza is delicious and the poem stikes the imagination well throughout. JCH 2010-02-01 22:05:40
Rime On The HoarfrostThomas Edward WrightPowers of observation can relate even the most happenstance of process (frost melting in the sun)to dramtic event or sensual parallel. It is the poet's playground. Adding the worshipful (hymnal, please) is an extravagance that verges on elegance. Even to your trademark, finding compaction with a word (Seratim) to cover almost a vision in itself. Do you work for Webster's? A fine poem, even more effective for its brevity. 2010-01-26 09:25:07
One In A Long Line or Ready For BattleKenneth R. PattonYou've become adept at the lingering final statement, dropped almost from a magician's hat. The rustic poet certainly has value, I've never meant to in anyway deprecate that nor ever will. Remember Arnie?...our rustic poet in residence before you obtained that accolade. One day I made a bold and unfair statement to see if I could break him out of that mold...not being so appreciative as I am now. He won that next month's contest with a true gem. It was about the Biblical David. The first verse is stoic in its wisdom, matter-of-factly observing the brother against brother, father against son, context of an awful Civil War (opposites but the same.) Then you focus the rest of the poem on "Men in their hats" emerging from out of the poem yourself within that frame. Successful in that device you have established a universality applying with today. Sometimes "down home" wisdom can be the best kind. Your best poem I've read yet. Keep it up. JCH2010-01-26 09:03:08
Tears Fallcheyenne smythWhy, thank you, my dear. And, yes, c flat seldom gives dulcet tone. To anything, kind of a place holder between notes that do...or is it just my ear? And so it is between those that have known depression (melancholy.) How long is this residue of suffering?...and how easily, so easily, it is brought back. Your poem is meant, between those that know. "scarlet tears (like blood) blend/ with shades/ of sorrow", "sheets of night/fade into empty/corridors"...an extended rhyme held to beautiful imagery. The subtlety suits this poem. More structure simply wouldn't have worked as well. And the accomplished poet discerns these things and chooses appropriately. As you have. JCH2010-01-24 10:13:16
My Loves LullybyDeniMari Z.The sublimation of emotion made when we allow another the depths of our love is not always adviseable, most often counter-productive to our health. For the brave, having found some antidote in their experience of romantic "foraging", they begin by acknowledging the ideal is never found. In this poem, however, the poet seems to not have arrived at that saving grace. But then many poems have followed the Romeo and Juliet model, haven't they? Allowing you this, the reader finds lovely imagery relating to a close and intimate mutual partaking of sensual delights. The next-to-last verse builds a vision of that ecstasy flourishing. The last verse is the resulting power of expectation in, "photographed a picture/ of my future in his life". The opening up of vulnerability. A rare glimpse into the psychic workings of a giving woman yet to be hardened into something much less. Above all, I find the honesty refreshing.2010-01-24 09:59:30
the Eye That SeesEllen K LewisEllen, although you and Rene Bennett will not listen to me, perhaps you will to one of the more comprehensive sources and authorities on defining differences between poetry and prose. In the section entititled "Theories of Poetry" of the Encyclopedia of Poetry and Poetics, published by Princeton University Press, the imminent poet Coleridge's opinion is given: The principal alternative, in English expressive theory, to the view that poetry is the expression of feelings or unrealized desires was Coleridge's view that "poetry" (the superlative passages which occur both in poems and other forms of discourse)is the product of "that synthetic and magical power to which we have exclusively appropriated the name of imagination" (Biographia Literaria, 1817). I take this to mean the presence of imagery. Your poem has none, yet its topic matter is significant and well worth the effort to poem, not just in prose form afixed to verse. Being so advised, you might work a little to breathe poetic life into this effort. JCH2010-01-22 11:51:33
In confidenceMark Andrew HislopSuch a poem is best euphemism for something parallel, metaphorially relevent, socially relevent... even personal on a basis for which all can relate. We look to the title for some clue of that. Striking upon "personal on a basis for which all can relate" we might guess the meaning the moon has become to the poet as he poems, to be some form of sterile transcendence, a removal of self to some distant point. From some station or situation in life where even coldness, apartness, is preferable. Not a good sign, my young friend. Even more troubling than Frost's friends must have felt upon reading his, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening. Some "confidences" are not meant to keep. JCH2010-01-20 08:53:29
WhirligigDellena RovitoOh, this is good, my dear and so personally gratifying to my hopes of any contest. This has parallelism, subtlety, where imagery is easliy visioned in the mind. What an interesting euphemism you've made of "whirligig"! The ending line, with those before it, of the fourth verse, "Her essence cool(l)y hushed" is as lovely as the petal of a rose dropping on water. A beautiful and worthy entry into our contest. JCH2010-01-19 12:46:15
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