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Displaying Critiques 51 to 100 out of 245 Total Critiques.
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Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by Mark Andrew HislopCritique Date
Dying Windscheyenne smythDear Cheyenne This is a touch too saccharin for my palate. A bit "too easy". And 'dying winds' in title and last line seems a bit unconnected to the poem. I get the 'sadness' motif, but I think you've let yourself off too lightly here, old sausage. Best wishes Mark 2010-02-24 03:26:19
Beast Be GoneDeniMari Z.Dear Deni "working/as a turtle/would step/and creep/through wet cement" What a great line! "jaded photographs/edges poking eyes" jars a bit in the overall context, to my ear. I don't think that overall the poem fulfills the promise of the first stanza. Best wishes Mark2010-02-24 03:08:09
January VoteMark Steven SchefferMSS I think I have a chip like yours. I'm gonna play it. MAH2010-02-24 03:01:56
Jan. voteDellena RovitoDellena I absolutely agree ... not enough first places!! Great stuff this month. Mark2010-02-21 05:17:25
My January VoteDuane J JacksonHi Duane January was easily the best month I've seen here in a long while, with some worthy winners. Thank you very much for your vote on "In confidence". Best wishes Mark 2010-02-19 08:27:39
Remember Tomorrowcheyenne smythDear Cheyenne Thematically, this hangs together ... ageing, forgetfulness, regret, modest optimism ... in a way that I can feel. But I do struggle with the images, which I think you'd do well to rework. For example: "thin tears/fall in chasm’s dour cheeks" defeats the perfectly sound and, in my view, preferable "thin tears/fall in cheeks' dour chasms". Also "Spirals of sun" as an image seems rather like wishful thinking ... it's possible to imagine, sure, but not to SEE, which is the true goal. The best stanza is S4, but even then I think your lineation (which I believe is a problem throughout this piece) saps it of energy. A line is a unit as much as a stanza is. So, the way I see it, Life’s chronicles hold dark corridors that mating fireflies forgot to light is weaker than (something like) the equally readily available Life’s chronicles hold dark corridors mating fireflies forgot to light I think this one needs some work, baby. Best wishes always, Mark.2010-02-19 08:15:59
Scream - Repost From Year - 2001DeniMari Z.Dear Deni There is no doubt that what you have written here is capable of touching many. The situation is all too common, banal even. There is no doubt that many have tried to do what you tried to do: to love someone out of their own self-destruction. But that is an unwinnable war, as you discovered. The content is what is can only be, and it cannot, in my view be criticised. But as a poem, it does not succeed. It's essentially prose -- a letter -- broken into stanzas, and therefore doesn't exploit what it could. It lacks artfulness. But it lacks nothing in poignancy. Best wishes, Mark2010-02-18 04:53:15
My January Vote, first in the 3 month-long contestJames C. HorakJCH You've encouraged some good things out of TPL this month. Let's hope it continues! MAH2010-02-16 17:42:15
January VotesDeniMari Z.Dear Deni Nice selection! Let's hope the quality continues this months. Best wishes Mark2010-02-16 16:51:14
NOTICE! Extracting Contest StandingJames C. HorakJCH This whole thing is very generous of you. Can't bring myself to repost, though, even though I've got at least one poem that's markedly better than the guff I've written lately. Oh well. Guess I'll keep buggering on. MAH2010-02-16 16:48:37
StrandsJames C. HorakJCH I've read this many times. It's a bit of a hydra: at one end there seems to be one "thing", at the other there seem ... well, several. Possibly. The first two stanzas, to me, read as a critique of (a certain style of) poeming. S3 seems to be the point of transition into the other end of the hydra, as from S4 onwards I lose my way completely. In other words, your theme and your poem seem to part company. Assuming, of course, that I "got" the theme in the first place. If I didn't, then this is a hydra at both ends. I've used the word "seem" several times. This is pure bet-hedging on my part. I know that I often write poems with "themes" that are so opaque that no-one gets them. This is one of the major flaws in my writing, and it's a nasty habit that's hard to break. Now, does that mean THIS poem is heavily flawed? Well, it does to me. So, more than anything else, this poem sounds a warning to me about my own writing. Selfish of me, isn't it? To relate someone's poem to my own circumstances?? MAH2010-02-16 16:45:07
Rime On The HoarfrostThomas Edward WrightTEW I love it. MAH2010-01-22 20:36:19
the Eye That SeesEllen K LewisDear Ellen As a (fellow?) sufferer, I know what you're talking about. I'm yet to meet a sufferer who (until later stages at least) ever felt encouraged by their situation. Strength always seems the one thing unavailable. I always consider myself to have been best served by obstinacy. But maybe that's another word for stregth. Peace, Mark2010-01-22 20:23:48
Take or Give OutDeniMari Z.Dear Deni This is a thoughful piece. I'd like to see it rewritten though with a tighter structure. Sometimes free verse is a horse that's difficult to direct, and this one left me feeling a little roughed up by the ride, though I did enjoy the scenery. Best wishes Mark2010-01-22 20:07:52
A Gracious Good YearGene DixonDear Gene Wouldst thou leave me so unsatisfied? One couplet, and that a whelp? Come on, man, give me more. Best wishes to you too Mark2010-01-22 20:03:35
Sonnet Writingcheyenne smythDear Cheyenne I think you're a bit like me: you like exercising in public. Here you're doing an aerobics class. Great form, perfect rhythm. But no meat. Whereas... ..."A Different Path" is literally bulging with muscle. All of which means that, for this little critiquer, the day you combine the muscle of "Path" with the technique of "Sonnet Writing", I'll become your love-slave. And I'll do it in public, too. Best wishes Mark.2010-01-22 20:01:28
A Different Pathcheyenne smythDear Cheyenne All I can say is ... ... wow. This one is firing on all cylinders. Best, Mark2010-01-20 19:30:58
RaoulMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.Dear Medard This is a lovely touching elegy. Elegant and restrained. Nice to see you back, especially with something so good. Best wishes Mark2010-01-20 19:29:37
Once Upon His Desuetude Rode He Into TownThomas Edward WrightTEW He's a pimp? I think he overcharged. Either that or you overplayed your hand. MAH2010-01-18 05:40:33
Alonecheyenne smythHi Cheyenne The mood is well established, and your form cpatures a sense of the throbbing of an infected wound. Neat and tidy work. Mark2010-01-18 05:24:33
How We Are to Share (Father Time)James C. HorakJCH Yours is a unique style, and it carries me from start to finish in this poem. What I read as an equation of "fallen dove" and (another's) "despair" is inspired. The whole piece is inspired. Truly. MAH2010-01-15 21:10:35
Left Behind (Revised)cheyenne smythDear Cheyenne I do hope you're still speaking to me after my last effort. For you and for anyone who reads this, I apologise for my tone in my crit of 'Sand Castles'. I meant what I said, but I now see that was was awfully clumsy in my delivery. Please accept my apologies. Now, to this. I've said it before and I'll say it again: JCH is a very shrewd reader of poetry. Your revision of this is a mark of respect of this, I think. Personally, I like this very much. My rambling about 'Sand Castles' neglected to appreciate the fine structure you achieved. And I mean it. I should have remarked upon it but the technical qualities were to me so apparent that commenting on it seemed redundant. In THIS case, however, you've achieved -- with more deftness -- a structural quality quite independent of rhyme schemes and meter. That's not so easy, but you've done it. Good as this is, I do however think that you have scope to squeeze even more performance from it by slightly changing some of your lineation and enjambment. For example: finely etched promise faded From his lips cold breath plumed, curled vapors VS finely etched promise faded from his lips, cold breath plumed, curled vapors In your existing version, 'lips' and 'cold' are unconnected, but with this enjambment, 'cold' works across both lines, modifying both 'lips' and 'breath'. Notice also I dropped the capital F, because in my view that interferes with the natural enjambment on offer from the preceding line, i.e. 'faded/from his lips'. Formally it's nice to be consistent, I understand that, but I'd be reluctant to do it here when it's at the expense of an extra squeeze (tiny as it might be!!) on the accelerator. All in all I'm impressed by this. Nice to see you being busy here. You're a real addition to this site. Best wishes Mark.2010-01-15 20:51:47
Sand Castlescheyenne smythDear Cheyenne I may be about to become your least favourite critiquer ... sorry! This is not one of your best. From what I've seen of you so far, the images you've used are well below what you're capable of. Cliche ("angel wings") and tautology ("sunny days of light")? You know better than this. You're clearly aiming at at impressionistic encapsulation of a moment, but these aspects leave the piece bloodless, in my estimation. If poetry can be described as "meter-making argument", this leaves me quite unconvinced. Sorry to be so ... harsh. I mean well, though I may not sound it. Best wishes, Mark.2010-01-13 17:34:29
My December VoteJames C. HorakJCH, I've always considered you and MSS to be the two sharpest readers of poetry on TPL, and yet again you do not disappoint. I think your rankings here are spot on. In particular, you are right on the money about 'proposition': it was indeed a lazy offering (and we KNOW it when we write it, don't we?), and I'm genuinely surprised it got up ... but thanks to all who voted for it, nonetheless. MAH2009-12-08 06:19:09
A Sea Talecheyenne smythHi Cheyenne I'm such a sucker for iambic pentameter that I HAD to comment. Especially such deft and evocative i.p. This is a lovely piece. I have one suggestion. Your last line has two words doing essentially the same job: 'cradle holds'. You could add a touch more to this by just letting the ocean 'cradle the water's glove': it doesn't need to 'hold' it as well. I hope you see what I mean. This then gives you an extra syllable that you might do other things with... ...and I can see that you're more than imaginative enough to do just that. Nice work. Cheers Mark 2009-11-19 06:48:27
at the circusDellena RovitoDear Dellena "a look down deep within/could keep a human honest" is one of the best lines, if not THE best line, that I think I've seen from you. You've constructed this so well you could probably have gotten away without ever using the word "elephant": the animal in question is quite clear by line 9, and line 10 "side to side soothing himself" absolutely locks it into place ... again, to the point where you could probably do without "side to side", since the previous "sways" does the same job. Perhaps you need to give yourself, your image-making, a little more credit. Really, the closing line is a beauty, and takes this well out of the ordinary. Best wishes as always, Mark2009-10-20 07:48:25
Never BelieveDeniMari Z.Dear Deni Now THAT is cute. Halloween has slowly been taking hold here in Aus. My kids have been trick-or-treating for years, but it never existed here when I was growing up. More American cultural imperialism!! :) Mark2009-10-20 07:22:43
East of Eden*James C. HorakJCH This is seems an unambiguously ambiguous depiction of modern woman. It seems replete with the contraries of men's attitudes towards women and women's presentation of themselves to the world, especially the sense in which, while to men women may be objects, women are too often objects even to themselves. Your depiction is not ungenerous - "able to stand/The insipid knowingly" articulates one aspect of women's strengths. By contrast, "Staunchly sheathed/when/Pimped" is (again, ambiguously) seems uncommitted to a view as to whether women are complicit in or merely exploited by this: it's the "pimped" word which queers the pitch. And "a cat untaken" comes across almost as an misogynist invitation to a rapist to break her in. As for "East of Eden" I'd say that you could just as well have titled it "West-nor-west of Eden": that we're outside of Eden seems the point. It's a confused, ambiguous space, and this poem seems to me an accurate distillation of the situation. No wonder women (and men) are struggling. MAH2009-10-08 21:11:33
DestroyersDeniMari Z.Dear Deni This sums it up "Why would fools evict a person who can not change the way they are?" "Fools" is the only way to describe them. Best, Mark2009-10-06 17:37:46
Secret Love LetterDeniMari Z.Dear Deni This has much more of a lilt to it, a real gentleness. If you did send this love letter to anyone, they should be very pleased. Best wishes Mark2009-10-06 17:25:41
Court - Summons & ComplaintsDeniMari Z.Dear Deni Having just reviewed your "Pain" poem, I finally have a way to speak about this one. I get the sense here that there is less 'felt' emotion at work than in the other poem, it's a noticeable degree more intellectual ... and for me, for that reason, less successful. It doesn't have the 'flow' of "Pain", the language is much more 'jumpy'. I think a re-write is in order. Best wishes Mark 2009-10-06 17:23:19
Pain In The Beginning & EndDeniMari Z.Dear Deni No-one can feel these things more keenly than a mother can. I doubt any mother feels it more keenly than you. This is quite searing in its intensity. I understand it has one major purpose: self-medication. I know that purpose well, so to some extent I have to resist my usual mode of response. Being a poem is a secondary purpose here, I suspect. I realise I could be wrong. But for the little it may be worth, I have one suggestion. The title of this poem is so rich with possibility that I think you'd better serve your purpose by including it somewhere in the body of the poem and having a simpler title. I think it adds less poignancy than it could in its current position. With best wishes always Mark2009-10-06 10:34:37
To Withstand the StormDellena RovitoDear Dellena I agree! Of course, it probably means we're all more transparent than we think we are. Now there's a scary thought... Best wishes Mark2009-10-05 03:10:12
It ComesJames C. HorakJCH As usual there are two issues to consider, the message itself and the--for want of a better word--artistry of the delivery. On the latter point, this is not up to your usual standard: it has a very 'first draft' feel to it. Regarding the former, I know you care deeply about this stuff. I do too, but doubtless in different ways, with different emphases. But the point is, it seems to me that here your strong passion over the subject is in such a hurry to be expressed that it doesn't seem to notice or care what it does to your diction. Take, for example, the section beginning "Obliging Nostradamus, Da Vinci validity/to take crow perch". There's nothing mysterious or hidden about this, since the allusions are not difficult to grasp, so why employ diction that seems to suggest there is? It just strikes me as really clunky, and I've seen you do so much better, "Sex fed and tick happy" being, for me, the best example of this this month. In a nutshell, I found this a frustrating piece. Arresting, but ultimately unsatisfying. On a personal note, I think the Beast is already here, and that we are not only already deep in its belly but have been for centuries. Best wishes always MAH2009-10-02 09:23:44
AwakenedDebbie SpicerDear Debbie I owe you a huge apology!! I thought I was writing to Deni-Mari!! Got it right this time though!! I've read the two together, as your notes suggest. They do form a contrasting pair structurally. Thematically, though, they seem closer than one might expect, since it seems clear that they are intended to be counterparts of each other. To me, "My strength" has significantly more strength than "Awakened", and that mainly because it has a more coherent structure. I couldn't convince myself that the free verse style of "Awakened" gave it any distinction other than a structural contrast to "My strength". The pairing is certainly ambitious, and clearly reflects a great deal of thought given to your subject. Best wishes Mark PS I apologise for repeating this critique for the two poems, but I do s only because they are a paired offering.2009-09-29 04:48:38
MY STRENGTHDebbie SpicerDear Deni I've read the two together, as your notes suggest. They do form a contrasting pair structurally. Thematically, though, they seem closer than one might expect, since it seems clear that they are intended to be counterparts of each other. To me, "My strength" has significantly more strength than "Awakened", and that mainly because it has a more coherent structure. I couldn't convince myself that the free verse style of "Awakened" gave it any distinction other than a structural contrast to "My strength". The pairing is certainly ambitious, and clearly reflects a great deal of thought given to your subject. Best wishes Mark PS I apologise for repeating this critique for the two poems, but I do s only because they are a paired offering.2009-09-29 04:47:45
BloodJames C. HorakJCH I experienced this as a "stopper". Your opening line did it: "He gathers, the poet has" gives me -- in addition to the sense of a craftsman gathering his materials -- a distinct sense of the poet gathering himself. And an equally distinct sense of his (ladies please note: I'm using JCH's gender choice!) uncertainty. I doubt, however, that the uncertainty of the poet is quite so easily assuaged. But at least we know you care: you've said so, very elegantly. MAH2009-09-25 05:38:06
100 - 70 Equals ThirtyDeniMari Z.Dear Deni "Too soon old, too late smart" is what this brings to mind. One of the perennial laments. Nicely, and gently, done. Best wishes Mark2009-09-17 09:05:34
The Tag AlongJames C. HorakJCH I think I'm often unclear because I am obscure. Here, I think you're unclear from plain old use of the language, though much more in S2 than S1 ... I can basically make out the scene, but it's kind of like vaseline over a window. Childe Herald (specifically in your usage) is either an (ironic?) allusion to Byron's "Childe Harold" or a plain misspelling. I'm initially inclined to the latter view because Harold was probably too world-weary to bother feigning innocence. But of course Childe tallies with tagging along, so ... ...heck, what the f@#$ do I know, anyway?? It seems to me overall that this one wants to get up and go, but is hampered by syntax. (The pot calling the kettle black?) MAH 2009-09-16 10:39:10
StepsRegis L ChapmanDear Regis In its "I am a friend to all" refrain, this is almost Whitmanian. The reader feels addressed and known. And, of course, befriended. Well done. Best wishes Mark2009-09-11 20:49:32
Twisted Rules of LifeDeniMari Z.Dear Deni This is full of deft touches which paint a picture of the yearning for something better, some better dealing. I think we all here share your longing. Best wishes Mark2009-09-11 20:46:22
Tearing PersuasionJames C. HorakJCH Aye. That's the heart of it. MAH2009-09-11 20:41:00
Sex Fed and Tick HappyJames C. HorakJCH Jesus, man, you're on the rise here, aren't you? Little typo S2L3 I suspect. I think your last line lets it down: too didactic an ending for my taste, especially given the tension you'd built through the rest, which I like very much. MAH 2009-09-11 18:18:10
Love StandsKenneth R. PattonDear Kenneth I'm sure you're right. It's been what seems forever since I felt it quite as keenly as you do. I'm jealous. Best wishes Mark2009-09-10 00:02:50
breaks my heartChristina MorrowDear Christina This is tender and beautiful, heart-felt and painfully honest. Lovely. Best wishes Mark2009-09-07 20:23:27
Soul MatesDebbie SpicerHi Debbie It seems a simple thing and expressed so simply, but the full mystery is here of the chance encounter that changes one completely. Your closing lines confirm the wonder of it: 'Where did I begin and when does it end/lost in someone else’s nature?' A lovely vignette. Best wishes Mark2009-09-01 20:33:32
View In Your EyesDeniMari Z.Dear Deni A very strong theme here of the superficiality of ... too many people. There's not much more I feel I can say here because you've presented your ideas very clearly, though I believe the other poem of yours that I responded to today is the stronger of the two. Best wishes Mark.2009-09-01 08:36:37
Jester of LifeDeniMari Z.Dear Deni You've got a nice sense of something almost mystical, something half-seen or intuited here. I wonder however if you could consider some reworking for clarity (without, of course, doing ALL the reader's work for them!) as some of your diction is rather strained. Even allowing for enjambment, both "Creature curious of indigo blue pacify/faint-hearted bonds" & "Intend spoiling laughter with running after/another forest to fall into" are little difficult to process. Having said that, the sense of playfulness, of whatever the 'jester' is, comes through. Best wishes Mark2009-09-01 07:38:50
UnsettledJames C. HorakJCH You've certainly got something going on here... conditions that are as uncertain about us as we are about them. Nice. "the fear becomes more burden/than the prick". No truer statement have I read lately. MAH2009-08-27 21:03:25
SquatterDellena RovitoDellena This strikes me, hard. Indeed, "I'm undone by size and force": this has force in reciprocal relation to its size. I cannot cease to acknowledge this one. Nicely done. Best always, Mark2009-07-09 10:29:26
Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by Mark Andrew HislopCritique Date

Displaying Critiques 51 to 100 out of 245 Total Critiques.
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