Ellen K Lewis's E-Mail Address: lnkay41f@yahoo.com


Ellen K Lewis's Profile:
I'm a 50 something female from the prairies of Kansas. Haven't done alot of traveling; don't know much of the world. I write from the hope I see in the eyes of someone else's dream or memory. I had a brain injury in 1995 that left me permanently disabled. I was without memory for a bit, so my search is diligent, to explore the emotions of memory. When you read my poetry, try to look thru the eyes of the subject, remembering that a writer is also looking in through the window. ~smile~

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Displaying Critiques 51 to 93 out of 93 Total Critiques.
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Poem TitlePoet NameCritique Given by Ellen K LewisCritique Date
Back to the SunshineKimberly D Rowe-Van AllenHello Kimberly. Nice to meet you! I believe this is the first time I have seen your work. I hope I can give you a decent crit! I love the message you deliver. I swear I have felt that way before. I imagine everybody will relate on some level. I like the desperation you begin with. "regret" and "upset" set the mood and offer hope too. The last verse, "wondering, hoping and dieing to believe" makes it all the more real and it ties the end to the beginning. Thats very important, and you did it well. I have to comment on one thing tho! Your description for 'time' is....well....amusing. Please don't missunderstand me, I enjoyed your writ! I have tried many times to find something that works in my own writings! You have used "ticking hands" and "flies". "Ticking hands presents an older lady with knitting needles....lol "wondering" "hoping" and "dieing to believe" definately add to the feeling of desperation and desire. Great word choices there! I really like the title. Thats what drew me to read this. And you brought it through to the finish.! I'm glad I had the chance to read this! I do like it alot. It has momento and feeling. ~smiles~ Ellen2012-04-17 11:31:15
Transitional thoughtsMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.Awe, wow. I am in that west wind my friend, and I greatly appreciate what you are saying here! An idiot scribe.....detects changes in the wind...>> I love the fact that the unlearned are the teachers! That it is the 'simpleton' who understands the message. God is calling...oo that hits home! I can not believe that nature is 'dying'! oh no, that line stabs at me...perhaps it is true and calls for much contemplation for me! Man is devising a new way to talk to God....isnt it about time? I agree. an earthly home for God...isnt that ironic? this makes me wonder for all that I have learned over the years. I believe you are right on! Perhaps that was the beginning of the end. all meaningful winds blow from the west >>>what a surprise for me to see! I guess that is a matter of perspective. I am in that west wind, and from here, I wonder what I will be confronted with when I arrive. I wonder if the God of War will fight against the God of Love, and who will be the victor? Verse #3 is blasting my brain. >>it is us who help blow<< US? is this to say that the people in the east are bringing in their own destruction? All of the blasphemous behaviors are straight forward and well directed! You really hit the nail on the head with the 'list' you provided us! And of course that begs the question: why we are allowed to exist at all? dissecting a message perhaps from God perhaps from the misfit.>>> you think man could know the difference! But we have been fooled for millenium. I believe it may be the misfit who has the truth. I have a blind friend who 'sees' better than I. I have a deaf friend who 'hears' with her eyes. These people have taught me that I need to 'look deeper, and listen harder'.... I have lived too long and not long enough to decide where I should stand. >>theres an old expression, 'only the good die young'.....it seems the older (wiser!) we get, the less we know. Should I expect more from God or from myself....the question that haunts us endlessly I hope that you are able to keep your query to the wind. I guess there are several ways to look at that. In one respect, it is hope to keep 'listening', but in the other it speaks of coming destruction. The wind will blow against me and mostly around me because I am because I am not. >>>the great humility of us all. I like the way you have described the way the wind surrounds you. I live in an area where straight winds of 20 mph are the fare of the day. I have many times faced that wind and considered its power. You have given me a new perspective. In fact, this entire writ has given me something new! I need this viewpoint to understand my own. Thank you!! ~smiles~ Ellen2012-04-16 14:58:21
The UnregardingJames C. HorakLOL James! Thank you for that imagery. I suppose it has a deeper meaning to someone, but for me it is sufficient for the whole of us. It includes me for sure, and many others. What can I say? "splender in a moment" ? ~smiles~ Ellen2012-04-13 23:55:19
dysfunctional poetryMark D. KilburnWow Mark! This is deep. In your opening I sense hopelessness. In the next verse I feel desperation. And there is some irony in there too. In the end I want to smirk and say 'yeah!'. I wish I knew more about you, as the author, in order to help me put it together better. But since I do not, I'm going with my personal reflections. Hope I'm right with you! It seems ironic too, that your title proves you wrong! This piece is wonderfully functionable (if u will). It has redeeming quality's! So perhaps, it should be dysfunctional poet on a cross...well anyway, I like your poem and I hope you bring us more :) ~smiles~ Ellen2012-04-13 23:49:12
New YorkMark Steven SchefferI have never been to NY but now I feel like I know what it would feel like. Its awesome that you have put together such a work that a person can imagine that. That would be a great challenge for me, and I am sure many others would agree. >>>where money turns into lights, thats a thought! your mother-daughter shopping, >>really? does that still happen? (lol) your racing forms and stubble,>> I'm not sure if I got this your Gargoyles waiting for the Apocalypse, >>>awesome picture, I like that line! I like this piece alot. You've got me wondering how I might describe my own city. ~smile~ Ellen 2012-04-12 15:06:18
Fine Winecheyenne smythCheyenne! This is awesome! I too, stand astounded. You have painted a pic that I have tried, and eons of others have tried to do!with your first verse. Most people 'hear' and you have taken us to another level-to see... Your second verse leaves me in awe. A fresh look! I love this piece! Dont change a thing ~smiles~ Ellen2012-04-11 19:29:56
Sunrise PinkLora SilveyLOL LOL LOL Lora!! Thank you for the great uplift. I love the way you did it. Had me fooled. Lol. I thought for sure you were about to break the code. lol You've got me laughing and I adore this. ~smiles!~ Ellen2012-04-09 17:43:59
Golden Shearscheyenne smythThis is a delightful piece! Your word choices are great! I can picture these nimble loving fingers and this heart felt work. . I dont think you should change any of the words, but I think you could redesign your stanza style. If spoonfuls of dawn can fade if spoonfuls of dawn the folds of ebon night can fade the folds of ebon night I’ll clutch the hem of rags and keep I'll clutch the hem of rags all hearts that blend despite and keep all hearts that blend dispite the frayed seams of my mortal dress that I have sewn with love It has a great feel to it. I love the pictures you conjure in my imagination. I'm not sure that my suggestions are helpful, but it does change the tempo and the pace to something more comfortable?? Just a thought. I really like this!!2012-04-06 02:57:02
Holden CastleMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.I like it! I'm struggling to get my mind around it all. I was swallowed in the depths of despair, and somehow feeling enlightened. It was great until: The captured luminescence of the day lights only what was never was I started stumbling after that. Forgive me if I am wrong here. It feels like you started to lose perspective and maybe resolved to something lesser. (Like you hit 'a bump in the road' ?) only annihilation exists ... only extinction exists.......only the fallen prince exists In and out of Holden Castle without God, there was never a King Yes, grandiose and perhaps ugly to some. But also applicable truths can be found there: unsanctified writings of buried canons souls too scared to live we choose to live I like the way you brought everything 'in and out' of Holden Castle. Simple and straight, a perfect picture without too many words. Ive enjoyed reading this. I would like to sit near this castle and observe the festival from afar. 2012-04-06 02:39:10
The Ornamental PoetJames C. Horakooo James is this different for you?? I must admit I really like this one. Your title caught me. What poet could resist that? Theres really only one way to crit a piece like this. I can tell you about your style, how it is well drafted...except for : Nero-style, wrapped in a straitjacket...style >why not just use the word 'style' the same way for each line? dont like the interruption of after-thought there and also this: you want to talk about how notnice...) >well, that needs something Or I can give you an uneducated rendition of what I think you might be thinking. I guess thats my forte. The irony here is that this appears to be brought about by some romance. Right before the big boom is the menace of comedy. The lend is to lean towards mockery. And yet the poet continues his folly and gets the last laugh. Not all poets are nuts you know. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with flowers and music and rainbow words, if thats what makes people feel good! ~smile~ Ellen Awesome little read. Nice and power packed but still light reading. 2012-04-06 02:07:54
Twisted Sheetscheyenne smythHello Cheyenne. This is touching and an arousing write. I think your word choices are really good too. One word that kind of 'got me' was when you said, 'fixed wings'....I like the way you brought it to summary too. Its a great peice, and well written. Ellen2012-03-25 19:19:09
all fowl must dieMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.Well, this is an interesting work! I am enjoying it as I try to reason it through. Your message is certainly loud and clear. You don't hesitate or falter in your deliverance. on the edge of a feather a whisper of rustling wind tries to blow its broken body back up to the sky ....I can see this in my minds eye. A colorful addition. unless Heaven allows itself to be touched.....awesome theory it makes no difference...uh huh...maybe you are right! BUT, I do have an inclination to think of freedom as a more attainable goal, than perhaps this author. I see 'fowl' as a game bird, one to be eaten (by anything and everything). Somehow, your song birds dont fit. (Especially the wren, since it is considered an endangered species here). I can't bear to see those innocents being terminated by 'fowl'. Please dont be upset with me for this traversity. I think that your poetic prowess is obvious and your structure is sound. It just happens that your subject got my 'feathers ruffled'....lol....Thank you for sharing. I like to read something that gets me going. ~smiles to you~ Ellen 2012-03-20 19:30:46
A Precarious LifeMedard Louis Lefevre Jr.Hello Medard! This is the first time I have read any of your works. I adore this style! So open to reading, its stance allows the reader to 'take sides' if you will. There is an irony that humor IS found there. I like those tidbits! Life IS a celebration after all. Thanks for sharing this! It's awesome. I'm happy that I've read it. ~smiles~ Ellen2012-03-12 20:28:33
The StewMark Andrew HislopWow! I will need to stew on this for awhile to take it all in! (sorry about the pun). The range of emotion is so subtle that even the boy isnt really aware of them. I dont really know you so I hope I haven't strayed too far.. no child-mother could ever rise to these. >> at first I took this full circle. A girl becomes a mother, as if no woman could ever really fulfill his perpose.... but I also see it as; a young boy who loves his mother, living quietly and staying out of the way, because he knows thats how it has to be. I wonder, now that I am gone, >> first thought is that you committed suicide! but I can picture this child imaging this too. just wants her fingers through his hair>>and besides, it says he 'wants' not wanted.. So, I am taking all these things to mind and decided that both ways, it comes out the same! Your words jump off the page, and like a slap in the face! I like poetry that stirs me up. This certainly has! >>I wonder how it would be to make this change- So, perhaps to help her out of this spot of simple human love. But her stew seethes. My thoughts are that this would add emphasis to these final definate thoughts. Also, I think the statement: “I am dead.” I wonder, now that I am gone, is too strong. If it represents a feeling it should be toned down. The shock value is great, but could be more gentle, reflective. However, if it represents a truth than I think you should leave it as is. You got me. I'm feeling spooked :) I like it. Thank you! ~smile~ Ellen 2012-03-02 00:16:46
WonderingDellena RovitoThis is a fun piece! I enjoy your wit and humor. The message underlying in it is also very deep. do we breathe any breaths of new or is other's death my rebreath to be reborn again and again then passing from vessel to vessel ....seems like you use the word breath too often. maybe use inhale or exhale. Or drawing air. I love the idea. Its a great thought. do ideas float and catch hooked on a point in time to revitalize in morning's air yet lumped with passions spent >>>curious about the words 'yet' and 'spent'. ..are you still thinking birth continuem? If they are revitalized are they spent? Forgive me for tearing that apart, only it stood out to me. I love the last verse! You have taken serious questions and turned them inside out, to the end of the irony of it all. Our hearts beating on the door like we are knocking is a cool thought. I laughed and laughed about the raisins. Maybe we are alot of dough, and we have to keep getting punched so we can rise. ~smiles~ Ellen 2012-02-28 19:01:20
Fighting Tearscheyenne smythHi Cheyenne! I can really feel the depth and the sorrow you express. Wow. Very thoughtfully done. I share your pain, or something near it and so I really 'fought my own tears'... I noticed that your meter is kept near perfect throughout! And I like the way you shifted down to two lines between verses. The day we met was blessed so long ago I heard the lilt and lute a tuneful song Then tasted sweetness only God could know A slice of dawn observed love growing strong I think I have a suggestion. If the above was to take on a new style, say like a love letter: the day we met was blessed! it was long ago when I heard the lilt and lute sing a tuneful song and then tasted sweetness only God knows. A slice of dawn observed our love growing strong. Its only a suggestion for your next write. I know this piece is intended to show sorrow, and it does. I'm looking forward to your 'joyful love' poetry. I think its in there peeking out. ~smiles to you~~ Ellen2012-02-28 18:35:41
Candles Burn OutDeniMari Z.Hi Deni. I love this! We dance with ghosts. Live, laugh and fall in to a trance with those who were loved in our lives the most. >>>Clearly stated-I want to follow! the rhythm is good for a 'trance The ending is awesome too. I needed to understand the way this works and now I feel like I do.! It is afterall a celebration of sorts. But....I wonder about this: They left while we were busy >> OR <>>it seems better to say, 'Those who left while we were busy" than to say "they left". I say this because it allows me to gather all my 'bones' together. and I don't have to sort things out..(hope that makes sense!) ~smiles~ I really like it, Ellen 2012-02-26 23:01:30
CommunionMark Andrew HislopHello. Nice work! You had me with the first 2 verses. I was really into that background radiation and the cosmic debris. Awesome way you brought in the big bang. Theres a momentum going. We are the background of the other end of time. ~now thats a thought~ I'm not sure....the tempo changes as the mood becomes darker and then I can't help but ask myself if I am still in agreement. Its compelling and drives thought. I like the work. You've inspired me.~smile~Ellen 2012-02-26 22:48:36
Under Your Spell (with correction)Lora SilveyAwesome punch! I really like this. Its fresh and new and lively. Oh yes, I feel the pulse smoldering just— as those jazzy blues begin to growl Verse one might have read: Oh yes, I feel your pulse smolder, and just as those jazzy blues begin to (blow/howl) ~whos name you breath as if a prayer~ wow, yeah that works! I feel the fire when you brush my hand with yours Yes—you are wanting more than I can give. (or let go) You’d be oh so easy to touch, to breath, to taste, I tremble, anticipation, your breath searing my thoughts to late to retreat I like the flow. Its intensity is steamy. I see 2 typo's...to late to retreat should be TOO late and then when you say I not your one and only, should be I'm I like this! Really fun read.2012-02-26 01:10:37
Who's The Dog?DeniMari Z.Hi Deni. I love your first 2 lines. They are perfect for the mood you took me to. Not sure I understand-Single sane Love never stays for these men who betray > these men? sounds like I should have heard of them before. Maybe you could use the word "the" ? take her on a ride in an opposite mode.>>the word 'mode' feels too forced. It conveys your meaning, but doesn't read quite right. Then let her off in the darkness of their road. ..might have said, "in the darkness of their own road" ...just feels more dramatic....and the ending is good with all the drama it can get! I feel chilled and angry at the same time! This is a compelling piece. I like it. I was drawn by the title and I'm glad I read it. ~smiles~ Ellen2012-02-20 14:28:41
Saturday’s DelightLora SilveyOh Lora this is awesome! What a special memento for a tea-party! Your images are perfect. Not a wasted word anywhere. I adore the informal formality (if you will) the atmosphere is energetic. By bringing grandma in at the end, you have treated us to a timeless piece. I wonder who has the most fun? LOL ~big smile~ Ellen2012-02-17 14:20:30
Tombstonescheyenne smythHi Cheyenne! This is a delightful read. I like the flow and the simplicity. Clear images and a leftover 'feeling' of being involved in your 'plot' (lol-forgive me, I couldnt help it!) It is amazing to sit in an old graveyard and listen. Its weird how some stones emit their own strength and others just sort of 'sit'... One suggestion. >>>fossil bodies never speak<< a contrary remark I think. How about fossil bodies rarely/sometimes/ hardly ever.....etc. or...you could express the 'stones' as the talkers, or even the ground... Just a thought! I really like this. Makes me want to get out! ~smile~ Ellen 2012-02-17 13:54:34
Painter’s SocietyLora Silveyooooo I love to read deep stuff like this! The solumn ending leaves me breathless as I struggle to find it all. Wow. You got me, poet! This is neat stuff! Young bull’s hot breathe rushes cross a nation,>>this is the only line that left me struggling. I didnt really piece it in until I got to the ending. And then it hit me! The line reads a bit rugged, but it does make its point! I'm sorry I have nothing to offer for suggestions. Sometimes, they just arent necessary. This piece is awesome as it is. ~smiles~ Ellen 2012-02-15 13:41:35
Cedar Swingcheyenne smythThis is great! A picturesque read with lots of flow and feeling. that delights stars like mirrors in the sky ^ ^ what a surprise! I love the notion of stars being delighted. But I was surprised to find you in the dark or even in the near dark. The way you see the swing and the affect it has on you is breath-taking. I think you touched the hearts of many readers with the way you finished the scene! I like it alot! ~smiles, Ellen2012-02-14 16:13:44
Running on EmptyDeniMari Z.This has me pondering. I can feel this emptyness and the depths of those in it! I can impose many situations that might be going on here. This could be a war zone, or a car without gas.!. I'm playing with it in my imagination. I like it. This verse is my favorite. we think of what to do with this time depths of nowhere we imagine what we’re wasting while waiting for a sign And then this one: .....and far worse is a deafened day searching for the right moment to simply speak up and say This hit home! I bet alot of readers will relate to that! A great poem. I enjoyed it. I'm not sure if you used those two cap's on purpose. (the O and the A). I think it might flow better without them. But, thats just my thought. ~smiles~ Ellen2012-02-13 12:53:06
Carnival GlassDellena RovitoHi Dellena! I love the way this feels. Nickels, dimes or quarters The game: a coin toss Into the carnival glassware held at the local fair I can hear the coins bouncing off the glass! Your short, direct sentences brought me out into the open air of the fairgrounds. Gold s.p.o.t.s, sheens of green deep pinks and blue bold sky I dont know about the s.p.o.t.s. thing, but I like the color words! These lines could use a little re-arranging? Just a suggestion because I had trouble with the bumps in the rhythm. More vivid life's enhanced (vividly life is most enhanced) worth a more intensive glance (and worthy of intensive glance) We do not dance, thinking on this roller coaster ride The sun has not given rise today forgetting that clouds, had it hidden away Those are profound thoughts! I love that! I think you might be able to leave out the comma between clouds and had, but thats just a thought too. I like it!2012-02-10 01:35:25
On a Piano Bench in SunlightMark Steven SchefferHello, Mark. I think this is awesome! It is thought provoking, and for this reader, a well of memories. It was the title that caught my attention. I wasnt the least bit dissapointed for taking it of the 'back shelf' to read it. Its my favorite style. Ellen2012-01-28 16:46:18
When Crows Come CloseJames C. HorakAwe yes, James. The mighty and magnificent crow! It seems that they really do herald in some kind of warning. They leave me feeling a bit wistful, wondering what they know that no man is aware. As always, your gift with words is undeniable. Dont know if that is a typo- through/though..? I like it 'through' ... smiles to you! Ellen2012-01-28 16:22:22
In the Face of FearMandie J OverockerHi Mandie! What an awesome work this is! I am left breathless. Your thoughts are driven, your words purposeful. I can 'feel' then tension as I read. That is the mark of true artistry. There are a few places where this reader stumbled over punctuation. That is something everyone seems to disagree on, so this is just one view. A few common conjunctures to bring the sentences more into a flow would seem a good thing here. Perhaps lose the caps on sentences that are more completely described when there is no pause between thought and the following sentence. I've no idea how to face (The/ the) intensity of what I feel Or other overwhelming feelings (That/that) have grown throughout the years I think those examples show what I mean.. small things that will make it flow and read more easily. I have enjoyed your work poet! Thanks for sharing it!2011-06-12 17:33:15
American LieJames C. HorakHello James. I see you have an attitude going on :) You got me riled up though, so there's a plus! Theres a couple of 'skips' in there, but it reads a bit like childs play, until you realize the depth of this. First verse is excellent! Can I suggest something for the middle stanza? Notice that you used the word 'lie's twice? (Its interesting though cause you've got bedding down with lies.../...how the lies scatter)..maybe ..."how your dreams scatter" ? and also in that same verse, I think the word 'To' should either not be capped, or it should read "you' see things that matter.. Your title imply's that you are about to really be politically radical, but I can't see anything in the body of work that I might call American. Maybe you could use another verse? Or you could change the title. It seems to me that it needs something. Enjoyed! Thank you!2011-05-13 01:42:27
My PrayerJames Edward Schanne Hello James. I haven't had the opportunity of reading any of your work until now! I am enthralled with your subject matter, a favorite of mine. There are alot of things you could do with this piece for improvement, if you so wish, but it is a personal expression with which you write, so that is only suggestive! Here are some thoughts I have: eyes closed my lungs completely fill (its ok to use 'filled' because it doesn't take away from the rhyme. I think it feels a little deeper...more meaningful if I am 'filled' and ready...? expanding me beyond what I can face Could it be that you have no other word for your senses? the word 'face' feels forced in, as if the reader may not understand how deeply you meditate. I'd use a different word, even if it doesn't rhyme. Its the feeling you are expressing, and not the poetic voice.. realigned me back, and crack, my chin some once again, I feel that 'crack' is forced in there to make a rhyme. Besides, did you ever crack your chin? It sounds like a painful way to come away from meditation. My heart as it falls into place and soothes my spirit puzzles then gives way and youths Another forced rhyme. The idea is good, the wording is off. Could you say, my spirit puzzles and is comforted in youth? ~ your expressive voice is obvious and delightful. Try removing some of the formalities and flow with your words. Like while in meditation you are relaxed and at peace, try to make your poems sound the same way, naturally and not forced.~ Just some thoughts for you, my friend. I like this and enjoyed reading it! Thanks, Ellen 2011-05-09 13:33:01
Down To Earth WalkDeniMari Z.This piece has an uninterupted meter and a good score of rhymes. I like the message and especially the ending. Up above is no man’s land under our feet mere morsels of sand. A neat idea would be to make the deep sky and the sand under-foot, somehow join together around you, as if you two were all one! Just a thought :) Good work! Thanks, Ellen 2011-05-04 15:32:54
Derelict Without an IslandJames C. HorakHi James. I enjoyed thinking this one through. It feels lonely, forever-ish.. and 'almost' lost. There is a tiny spark of hope there in your last line. Perhaps the earth is the saving grace of mankind after all. That is, if we take care of her. But throughout millenia man has continued to destroy, first himself, and secondly the earth. Is there hope in that? Maybe....if a person feels alone on a beach, then there is still hope! Smiles to you. I enjoyed the read but have no suggestions. Only one word stands out. Beginning your 3rd line with the word 'even' is probably incorrect english, but unless that is important to you I wouldn't change it. Thanks for sharing! Ellen2011-04-29 12:32:56
Passing ByDeniMari Z.Hi Deni. Thats an awesome statement of your faith and future! I enjoyed reading it. I don't know that anything I could suggest would make it better. (you didn't even make a typo!) But I have some experiences that lead me to understand what you say. Its in that moment when someone you love takes that last breath, or looks into your eyes one last time. The glory of it comes home, almost like a slap in the face, but right to the heart! And for you too, especially, fed the heart of a poet. Thanks for the uplift!2011-04-21 19:26:26
Some HaveDavid KeeseyHello, David! This is 'airy' and 'open' and 'feels good'. Your last line makes me want to cry! in a sweet kind of way. Its so hopeful. So patient. And its a dream on paper. I think you could drop all the punctuation. Each line could hang open-ended and I think it would make it read better. It would only change the candor a little, and that being up to the reader. Dreams are kind of like that, open-ended. I think this is great. A fun read. Ellen2011-04-19 00:42:09
Pushed Beyond DespairDavid KeeseyHello David. This is an interesting twist for me today! What can I say? Just laugh and turn...and laugh again. Its whimsical and fun. I love the picture of dancing on the bones of responsibility! I will say that your title leaves me ready to sit back; ready to feel what darkness must be coming. And it starts slowing too so that flows well. And then, the turn, the laughter as you explode! I love it. A great, fun read. Thanks!2011-04-15 15:08:27
Slipping Awaycheyenne smythHello Cheyenne! This is an awesome work! 'the moon slipping through the nights fabric' seems original to me and was a nice surprise. But, not nearly as nice as the last line there: it was then I heard a poem .....the imagination of a true poet is unmistakable here. 'Unchained pen poised' is a good feeling of movement. Leaves the reader excited about whats coming next. And then, there it is upon me like the dark color of blood...the sorrow...the beauty slipped away. How sad! Your feelings are clear and deep. I think it would have fit that mood better, with a different twist at the end. Instead of the writer slipping away, the lost poetry of that moment seems like a deeper sorrow to me. But, it is only one opinion, and everybody else probably won't even think of that. So its a different idea. Thanks for sharing! Its a good read. 2011-04-14 14:35:57
city on the riverMark Steven SchefferHello Mark! As always, you have left me pondering the deeper things in my stealy heart! Your poetry often does that to me. If you rethink this, you may want to change that last line. It's fitting, yes, but this reader already 'felt' the forever-ness of that hollow feeling already delivered. But perhaps there is a way to incorporate that sense of the same thing, the same direction The line about burning what can't be eaten is 'burning' into my heart. Thanks for sharing this. I really like it. 2011-04-14 14:20:19
I'm Here, I'm Herecheyenne smythHello Cheyenne! I am impressed with your visuals here! Your words bring pictures to my mind and help me see what you have seen. I stumbled on the hawks flight, but its no big deal. I live in an area where there are lots of hawk to watch. A silly suggestion maybe, but perhaps they could 'lift high on forward air' or something. They don't actually fly much, just ride the waves of air. I've never seen a hawk in the forrest so maybe thats different. Anyway, its just a thought. I think you could make your lines longer, combining them and adding more flow. I love your ending. I feel a leap of joy with 'I'm here. I'm here!' like the birds of morning announcing their survival and surprised by it. Its a great read. Thanks for sharing it. Ellen2011-04-13 14:52:02
Sunday FunniesDavid KeeseyHello David! I thank you for this delightful chuckle this morning-almost as good as those funny papers are at lifting my spirit! Its satiric, ironic and amazingly funny- and true~ I'm debating wheather to mention your use of punctuation but I really don't think that changing it would make it a better read than it is. I did stumble a bit, but then picked it right back up when I found your tone. I can't say that I recognize the smell of alkaline....but then the local paper here is printed with vegetable oil ink, and I don't even subscribe to it. I think that starting with the big chair in the corner sets your mood really well. I can't say any more, only just to thank you for it! Very enjoyable read, written in one of my favorite styles.2011-04-13 14:40:04
Stone Cold HeartDeniMari Z.Hi Deni. Its been a long time since I have read here, but I will do my best :) and give an honest and straight-forward review. One thing I really like is the part about pride being tucked inside! That whole stanza is awesome. It reads well, smoothly, and I understood it completly! Some other things I didn't understand quite as well though. The thing about stones that you long to believe in....I think you need more about that. I wish I understood what those stones represented to you! I can understand the concept, but don't get the feeling that I can understand your pain. I'm sure this is as deep as the lake the stones skip 'cross' (is that a 'mean' river? no, I think you mean the same as 'across' but wanted to point it out since others may see it that way. Over all, its a good poem that I like. I look forward to reading more of your work! Hope I was helpful. Thanks!2011-04-09 11:58:02
THE MUSICIANMonica ONeillOh, you got me! I adore this. I felt it from the start with 'most noble musician'...and the flood of emotion and memory that comes from the heart of a man when he is holding 'polished wood' with strings. Perhaps it is held by the one, to be shared with the many, that it is an innate need of man to share his expression. I wouldn't change a thing! It reads well and carrys all its thoughts through to the end. I have enjoyed this piece today! Thank you.2010-08-04 16:02:37
The Bucketcheyenne smythwhimiscal with its catchy rhymes! I tripped on some of the words as I grappled to 'see the place' but it does do the job! I can feel its lonely spaces and imagine that you once spent alot of time there. Since you did use punctuation, I would like to suggest adding a comma: beside it <,> sits the farmer’s axe Its a small thing, but would offer that moment to put the picture together in the mind. It has a finality that needs pause for reflection; right there, before the reader takes another step. Other than that, I would not change a thing! Nice work!2010-07-20 15:56:10
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