This Poem was Submitted By: C Arrownut On Date: 2003-10-02 12:34:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Travel Agenda

                              “And daemonic natures are not made                                to walk straight through the world;                               they must meander now and then.”                                 -Heinrich Ibsen after each kill she sat erect at the dining  room table           wiped            cleaned polished her AK-47 remembering the flight like so many before from the coldest spot in her solar system                      Kuiper’s Belt  where scattered shards of                              Primordial Material protected from change due to a perpetual frost orbited  at the outer extremes near               Pluto  in the form they’d acquired at their initial formation from this frigid zone  of the Solar System                    Neptune  also the sea god plunged a shard of the Big Bang   away   from the corruption in Hades            at the speed of lightning so fast she  easily dodged the grip of              Uranus keeper of the sky  for his fellow Olympians barely remembered                      Saturn a pagan holiday once celebrated during Christmas Season   escaped the powerful                  Jupiter  whose mistresses she scorned (they’d fallen under his spell)          a rush toward                   Mars her war god who prodded her into the  fervor of a Dionysian frenzy           accelerating past             Venus and her renouncement of  goodness      only one more god to elude   after circumventing the  cunning wit of                        Mercury she shone bright scarlet another satan aloft           as she neared the surreal       Sun  that eroded                her mask  of dust and gas            shot  her            into a violent orbit where hell devoured   her very elements   with each journey

Copyright © October 2003 C Arrownut

Additional Notes:
I'm having trouble keeping this poem in format. At points, the type is not supposed to follow a normal format, but kind of jigjag. And all the planets are supposed to be lined with the last letter in each word coming to the same point in the lines. Also, this poem is not about Ibsen; I simply can't seem to get his name under the quote where it belong. Hope this is clear.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2003-10-23 14:38:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Whoa!! This poem is remarkable on many levels; your explanatory note notwithstanding, I see nothing to fault here, and everything to commend. The Ibsen quotation is brilliantly illustrated by what follows, in its interweaving of characters - albeit each is an expression of the initiating spirit - and situations. There's extremely effective juxtaposition of the demon with the first human, cleaning her contemporary weapon "after each kill" (whose circumstances we aren't told, nor do we need to understand fully). The right-hand column of planetary names leads us nicely through the whole solar system, from its terrible edge down to the nearest planets and the sun itself. Except, of course, for Earth, upon which the living woman plays out her own drama and the demon who inhabits her form is permitted to practise evil throughout Time, as it unrolls backwards from start to finish. This is incredibly complex, as Time moves from the present (in the first strophe) to the elemental past; also, from form and matter to vaporization. The raising of "satan aloft" puts back the old angel, in a different persona, to the original position from which he (or she, in this case) eventually is doomed to fall. The demon is - in part - Everywoman and Everyman, for who is free from any taint of wrongdoing? Yet a few are given to expressing their darker natures in such horrific ways that the rest of us are left to gasp in horror. Many such individuals actually manage to elude punishment and continue their misdeeds, as yours sidesteps her various pursuers-cum-gods. "Renouncement of goodness" ("renunciation" might also work here)is a chilling and pivotal act in her progression through depravity. The journey could also be viewed as an orbit of earth, wherein every year there are new sins to count, new hells to visit. In addition, each strophe describes the planetary body beside it, which also connects to the various festivals celebrated over the ages to honor these various deities/planets. Thus, a trip through history is also included as yet another level of this piece. I haven't read anything like this, and applaud you for its creation. It's like playing three-dimensional chess, for there's always another aspect to consider, and nothing is strictly linear: not time, not space, not life or even death. If I had an analogy to offer that best befits your style here, I think I'd choose the double helix of DNA. From the varying strands, a memorable entity has been built. Bravo (Brava?), Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-10-17 12:09:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
What an amazing image-rich piece. I like the Ibsen epigram and way this poem axamines the nature of evil and expands the concept to encompass a danger to the solar system itself. What a powerful protagonist is sitting there polishing an AF- 47! remembering the flight like so many before a little squeaky gramatically - know it is awkward to say Remembering the flight as many before her had but perhaps you can come up with something smoother that still fits the meaning from the coldest spot in her [her own solar system! how grand} solar system Kuiper’s Belt where scattered shards of Primordial Material protected from change due to a perpetual frost orbited at the outer extremes near Pluto in the form they’d acquired at their initial formation from this frigid zone of the Solar System Neptune also the sea god plunged a shard of the Big Bang away from the corruption in Hades at the speed of lightning [interesting construction!] so fast she easily dodged the grip of Uranus keeper of the sky for his fellow Olympians barely remembered Saturn a pagan holiday once celebrated during Christmas Season escaped the powerful Jupiter whose mistresses she scorned (they’d fallen under his spell) a rush toward Mars her war god who prodded her into the fervor of a Dionysian frenzy WOWEE! accelerating past Venus and her renouncement of goodness only one more god to elude {THIS IS A GREAT SLOGAN for the piece!} after circumventing the cunning wit of Mercury she shone bright scarlet another satan aloft as she neared the surreal Sun that eroded her mask of dust and gas shot her into a violent orbit her mask shot her???? where hell devoured her very elements with each journey each journey - is marvelous as it assumes a continum in hell where things are repeated over and over in a Sysiphisan frenzy. Dramatic and powerful piece and I like the planets oribiting around the stanza too.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-10-15 20:56:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This is a very intriguing poem. With the planets as the "travel agenda" I think of some form of comet that passes through the elliptic. Enjoyed the read...missed why the AK-47 unless she is on an earth bound collision course.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-10-08 20:47:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Gayle, Is this going zigzag? I don't see a line that proceeds by sharp turns in alternating directions. You surely have the trouble in setting up the right structure and format. Anyway, this is not the point here! What is the point here is you have made a new vision in poetry! Its uniqueness is highly remarkable and of course it is appreciated very much! Heinrich Ibsen? Is he the Norwegian playwright who influenced the development of modern drama with his realistic masterpieces? Where his major works include Peer Gynt (1867), A Doll's House (1879), and Ghosts (1881). I am not actually familiar with this author but Im sure he has an influence on you somehow! The characterization of this piece is she? Is she experiencing this travel agenda? Well, I think she is not a real character as I imagined it in this input: "from the coldest spot in her solar system". How I see the influence of science in this art of work, it is more on Astrology and of course Astrophysics like I can relate the association of Primordial Material. It's nuclear in effect! The flight started from the coldest part away from the pluto? Your imagination should be soaring so high here! Was the travel made by the bullet (or a clip) that was shoot by the AK-47 from the point of that coldest part? Very interesting! How interesting to see the exotic imagery of the travel! From the Pluto was the original formation, then at the Neptune it is very apt to associate the theory of Big Bang! A cosmic explosion marked the origin of the universe. Oh my God, this is something that is not known by many! This should be a great piece C! You should be given Primordial (or fundamental) points here! SMILE! I enjoyed your Physics, Jordan.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-08 09:16:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I see this poem in two parts, and yes it is too bad the format did not show correctly on the link. The first part is the direction one has chosen and the efforts they take to accomplish what they have set out for. The second part is the creation and the effort taken in establishing the solar system we live in. What made me think about the first was your beginning; her with her AK47. I saw, remembering the flight of getting away, coldest part of her mind, no escape from direction, barely remembering the reason, journey becomes faster, and in the end devoured. Then you have given us each part of the solar system and what each object represents. Well done if only the format had come out the way you wanted it. Thanks for sharing. Tom
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