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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-10-08 15:08:49 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Rivers

rivers flow beyond sands time never motionless alpha omega

Additional Notes:
Need help...not sure of this one

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-10-26 20:05:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn, I am not much good at haiku but I think that the second line could read time sands never motionless you would still get the same meaning and it might flow better. I am not one to give advice on this type of poetry as I have never tried it. I just thought that it read better to me. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-10-21 16:25:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
would it ruin the deep introspection of this piece to have it read something like: rivers flow beyond time's never motionless sand alpha omega just for the structure?

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-10-19 15:23:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.60000
between cut out banks the endless flow of rivers alpha omega time never motionless is awkward in a haiku because traditionally time is not something that would be metioned directly. Instead a nature image would be used to show that time is never motionless. You used the river which is the perfect image to show how time moves but then went from showing to telling. Stick to showing or using imagery rather than telling and your haikus and other poetry will be perfect because, you already have the deeper philosophical messages the poetic thoughts etc... Hope this is helpful, Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-10-10 09:20:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Hi Marilyn, This Haiku is interesting in that it also might be considered a seneru. There is so much contained withing the lines. The rivers, like life, have the quality of both beginning and end. The river alwys stays the same as one watches it, and yet is ever changing. Does time exist, or did we invent it to help make sense of the world we must control by "pidgon-holing" everything. The poem meets the 5-7-5 form and I have no problem with it at all. Part of our problem as poets is, I think, that we have been locked into punctuation for so long that when we come to a poem like this we feel uncomfortaable as we read it. The punctuation that could be there, depending on placement, could change the meaning of the poem. I think this poem takes good advantage of the lack of punctuation. It frees the poem up to richer speculation. Thanks, Marilyn, for sharing this one with us. Rene

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-10-09 22:59:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Marilyn, I can feel the dilemma you are into Marilyn…the ideas and words are there but to complete and to construct the whole thing as one absolute message is the most difficult part. This is usually my dilemma too. :) I like the simplicity of your subject “Rivers”. Simple but powerful! The first line “rivers flow beyond” is a great intro. It automatically defines and embodied the unique and superb character of “Rivers”. Strikingly hits the readers! I’m just a bit off with the second line. I like the use of “time” and “never motionless”. I just don’t know if it’s appropriate to combine them in the second line. I also find the “sand” out of place, though we can use it in some part but wait…I think I know what you want to deliver here. We can retype the second line as “sand’s time never motionless”. I think this is what you want and for me, this has great impact. It means that the sand or its motion is never stagnant, it is perpetually moving and running. At first, reading the third line made me uncomfortable for I thought “alpha omega” is only addressed to God (and no other else) but because it is in small letters, I think it is still ok and acceptable. You just want to define its infinite property, no beginning and no end. Well, for me it works fine! I think it is not insulting to God at all. The intention is not to grab the attention and honor from God but to further define the beauty of His creation (which brings the glory back to Him). I think I’m just used to “alpha omega” relating to God, nevertheless it is still ok to define nature. For me, your work deserves a “kudos”! Just a minor revision and a little explanation, the haiku will work fine and well. You have focused on the river’s eternal “flow”, its “depth” and its mysterious origin and ending – and that is one great subject and inspiration. For me, that alone justified your entire haiku message. Thanks for posting this for our reflections! I sure enjoy the read! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-10-08 16:19:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
rivers flow beyond sands time never motionless alpha omega Hi friend....I am making rivers singular.... River flows beyond Never ending sands of time Begin no ending alpha omega tells me there is no beginning and no end to the river as it flows for many empty into a larger body of water that again just flows along......over and over it goes creating larger then larger bodies of water till that little river finds itself in the middle of the big ocean crossing over to another country and thus the tale goes....... sands time never motionless......I just reversed some of the standing form and created another avenue for you to consider......really my friend I am not good at this at all so take what I offer with a grain of salt. I like what thoughts you have presented here with the flare of your pen.........and as you can see my most favorite place is the ocean so little river flows towards it and thus flowers upon entering...... Thank you for posting and sharing...I am certain you will find many other critiquers with much to offer you though friend this is fine .......take care, hope to find more.....be safe and God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-08 15:40:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I can not see the end of the river for it is far beyond where my vision takes me. This is the sense I got in the first line. In the second line I can not see, never motionless, for sand unless it is in the rapids part of a stream or river, time is never motionless for there is no pause in it. In the last line I see beginning to end. Hope this helped. Enjoyed the read. Tom

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