This Poem was Submitted By: C Arrownut On Date: 2003-10-21 19:39:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Origin From the land, the island looks
impenetrable with lush green
growth, the freshest dawn
of an idea. One end tapers
to a fine point
like a serpent, then
steadily expands until the orange
bridge of established beliefs
mars this view of nature.
Below the steel beast,
stretching from one bank high
above the island and on
to the other shore,
in one spot on the river’s edge
—nearly imperceptible—
high weeds unexpectedly
yield to white sand forming
a mouth into the unknown.
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Copyright © October 2003 C Arrownut
Additional Notes:
How do the images and idea work in together? All and any reactions and comments welcome.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-11-07 09:10:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45714
Interesting poem. I'll try to understand. This is about the differences between the vesion of the origin of life as shown by Nature itself, or as according to the Church. The Church is shown as dominating the scene, and yet it is directly under the bridge/church that is found,
"in one spot on the river’s edge
—nearly imperceptible—
high weeds unexpectedly
yield to white sand forming
a mouth into the unknown."
The Church is therefore shown as the protector of the entrance to true life (or True Life). This could also be about the creation of a poem, as the poem writes itself in the subconscious and then falls onto the paper, bound and restricted by the limitations of reality. However, if you search underneath, you will find the hidden meaning the subconscious is inviting you to locate.
Now that I've committed myself, I'll most likely find out this is all about something completely different, but this is how we learn. The wonderful thing about this poem is even if one is not sure about the meaning, it sounds comforting as it is read aloud. I certainly wouldn't change this. For the second time today, I have had a valuable lesson in writing.
Rene Fraley
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-10-27 12:48:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.43750
Hi 'C',
This is another fine submission by you and I am really drawn to
this one. Of course the metaphor is wonderful and somewhat profound but
I just like to think of this island as an island that is luscious with
green undergrowth holding it's mystry away from the civilized world.
I love the serpentine tail that slowly expands as it flows its way to
the bridge. In the second stanza I am having a hard time staying away
from the metaphor as that pesky and beastly bridge of 'established beliefs'
is marring my wonderful view of this magical island. I get a great
image of the river's edge, high weeds, and the white sand forming the
mouth. The last words...'into the unknown' perserves the magical mystry
ot this lovely sight in nature. Sorry if I messed up your metaphor...
I just fell in love with your river and couldn't contain myself!
Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-10-24 10:39:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
Yes, for the most part the idea and images come together wonderfully well.
Origin [good evocative title]
From the land, the island looks
impenetrable with lush green
growth, the freshest dawn [great enjambment here and luscious vowels throughout
of an idea. One end tapers
to a fine point
like a serpent, then
steadily expands until the orange
bridge of established beliefs
mars this view of nature. [extradorinary metaphor]
Below the steel beast, [the golden gate?]"
stretching from one bank high
above the island and on
to the other shore,
in one spot on the river’s edge
—nearly imperceptible— [if it is the GG bridge it loses something at a
literal level here as the bridge ends on the SF side of the bay [not river] and if
it is not the GG perhaps it could be another color so we will not get misdirected?
high weeds unexpectedly
yield to white sand forming
a mouth into the unknown. [a sleeping dragon to explore philosophicaly! Wonderful
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2003-10-23 23:48:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Yanno, try as we might, I doubt anyone will pierce the core of your inspiration here C. I like your relating new ideas to the image of an island... something surrounded by challenges that beckons to be discovered and inhabited by many... or just a few is often good enough! Using the man made bridge to reflect traditional beliefs that fight any notion of change, is a good analogy.
In the second stanza, I recognize the "steel beast" being the bridge, or the obstacle that must be overcome in order to join both ends of this piece of nature together, allowing more convenient passage and the potential of shared experiences. I love the ending lines:
"in one spot on the river’s edge
—nearly imperceptible—
high weeds unexpectedly
yield to white sand forming
a mouth into the unknown."
The high weeds bringing to mind still more challenges, finally give way to the ultimate inspiration and beauty through natural phenomena forming unique passageways to unleashed potential. I like the mystique of how the title and the last line work together. "Origin" and the image of a mouth (oral cavity) accent eachother in assonance, and similarity, since they are both beginings in their own right.
Good job C Arrownut! I'm not gonna pick this one apart, it reads well, and stimulates the senses. Why try and improve on that?
Cheerz,
T
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-10-22 16:23:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80769
Hi Gayle,
Been a long time you were absent from the link. Thanks I see your
other submission. Origin?...I am drawn to think of the existence of
something that is new to discover...Are you presenting here a certain
discovery? Well, let me see...
The firs stanza is amazing in its imagery presentation. It brings me to
an excursion in a certain unknown and distinctive island. Oh, I love seeing
islands. My country consists of 7107 islands! I like the view that
you depicted here.
The first line:
From the land, the island looks ---[Im sure that line that the speaker is
landing is a big land and he is looking to a certain island far away. Is it a
mainland? land/island ---i am wondering which is bigger?]
Your description of the island suggest that the island is a virgin island with
lush green....and when you associate that as the "the freshest dawn
of an idea" ---I can think of just like a certain discovery of origin is
conceived and entailed by the mind. New ideas lead to new horizons. We can
think of the discoveries in Science, its breakthrough is made possible by the
influx of the new ideas.
One end tapers to a fine point like a serpent...this simile creates a concrete
visual to further enhance a good look at that island. A serpent can bring a
symbolism...it can mean the island is dangerous....ah...maybe because you describe
it as impenetrable. The adjecitive "orange" seems to be a little questionable...orange would
bring me a nice and beautiful imagery....but I think you are describing
rusty/or dusty? But the metaphor "bridge of established beliefs" is wonderful
and apt to mars the view of nature.
The second stanza seems to be magical and astounding which seems to be a little
perplexing! Like when you think of the imagery, your eyes are bulging looking
at a certain strangely amazing thing. Just like when you are discovering something,
you would exclaim "Oh" or "Wow" or the like. You know, in the imagery of
the second stanza, I can think of that big lion momument in Singapore that opens
its mouth towards the city's glory.
Alright, no matter where is that unknown from which the white sand forming a mouth,
I am enjoying my mind to penetrate on the imagery from the island to the
lush green area...to that fine point like a sepent...to that amazing bridge...
and so on and so forth. The extended metaphor is sustained.
Thank you very much for sharing, Gayle. I hope I give something to ponder on here.
Your mind might be misty on my view/outlook here.
Take care. Jordan.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2003-10-22 13:48:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi,
The extended metaphor works fine for me, overall. It's a strong visual, with the fresh and creative green of the island, an Eden of imagination, which extends the allusion of the title. I also like the concept that starts with mass uniformity, then shifts to bold insularity and finally turns into something absolutely new (which will, undoubtedly, become the next "mass conformity" once it has aged for awhile). Kind of like Hegelian dialectic: thesis-antithesis-synthesis, over and over. I have no argument with format or syntax, so I might as well inject a few comments that might be helpful (or not), however you wish to use them. Since you asked! :)
Not sure why the "bridge of established beliefs" is orange. It seems a daring colour for conservative attitudes. Maybe something duller and more staid ...? Charcoal, lead, grey, pewter, rusty brown?
First line ... "mainland" instead of "land"?
Below the steel beast,
stretching from one bank high
above the island and on
to the other shore,
in one spot on the river’s edge
I'm not sure you need the middle three sentences; I got a bit lost before the last one. "Stretching" modifies "beast" but could also apply to what the reader might assume will come next; there are five adjective phrases in a row, all but one introduced by a preposition. I'm also wondering whether the spot is on the island side, or the mainland side, since the river's edge would presumably touch both. I'm assuming it's on the island, the uncharted territory.
Below the steel beast,
in one spot on the river’s edge
... and then into the description of the white sand, which will then contrast more sharply with the bridge. My only other suggestion might be to drop "forming" and replace it with a comma:
yield to white sand,
a mouth into the unknown.
Then again, the poem is also quite fine as it is! My comments are here because you asked for some, so please feel free to toss them. This is my only crit. thus far in October because of computer grief; it was your explicit request for feedback that moved me to choose this piece first! : )
My Best,
Brenda
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