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This Poem was Submitted By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-02-12 18:44:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Down The Mountain

a gravity of moments beholden in contrast proceeding in encrusted jewels evermore enthusiastic scene with hues and colors rioting upon mine golden eyes divine spotlight shines to the core then swollen in fool's pride with remembrance of the past having humbly been now without that as a floor for the benefit of the beet and the rose benevolent spies, those- the wise, are wide and my love sleeps just beside

Additional Notes:
This poem is a dense extrapolation of a few moments driving down the side of a mountain, with ever green crops on either side, covered in rain clouds in the evening while the sun set in the background. I have such a incredibly vivid memory of this, and I have written a couple of poems based on that. I rather like this version of that day, and it's still a nice memory to think about, even now.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-02-27 19:54:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.11111
Regis, many of the images in your note, ever green crops, rain clouds etc, should be included in your poem. They are beautiful. On the other hand hues and colors is pretty vague. It might be more powerful if you included the mention of the green plants, grey clouds etc in the poem. The intensity of your feelings does come through in your poem as you introduce new things to think about in each line. Overall nice job. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-25 20:42:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.26316
A beautiful ride down - into the emotion of love from the love of nature's beauty! Well done, poet. An intricate weaving of rhymes, and consonance to follow the twisting highway to its destination. Write on.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-13 19:20:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.29412
I find the language stilted and unlike the feeling of freedom. I would search for that in this piece in which you append the impetus for its birth. The feeling should be that the words run from the tongue and teeth as water from the spring. There are poems in which stilted language is useful and necessary. I find this one not of that theme. I find the first three lines difficult to penetrate. The rest is Okay, but you lost me at the start. The multisyllabic words "beholden" and the phrase "proceeding in encrusted..." have to many syllables that sound the same; this slows the reader down. If your imagery had been a bumpy ride down the mountain, then I could accept those lines. You indicate smoothness, serenity, peacefulness. The concepts are there. The execution needs work. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-13 17:21:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52381
I have driven down very few mountain sides in which I could see what your poem does paint my friend......the majestic beauty of the distance, the colors which come to life, the rocks, cliffs, the other cars before and after me...........those who walk up the side of the mountain to gain a view leaving their cars far behind them.......the snow capped peaks that await you.......compared to the warmth of the valley below....now that my memory has allowed a trip down memory lane I do tend to see myself as a young child in daddy's old car driving up Mount Washington before the faces fell off.....then to Mount Monadnick as a girl scout and the yearly climg and cook out after the return.....one side of that mountain was all smooth rocks allowing the slide down more fun then anything......then the climb up Mount Wachusett in the spring, summer and fall, the festivals held on the mountain side what a time for all and in the winter the skiing down the sloaps while some of us stayed in near the open fire keeping warm.....indeed you have created a master piece of wonder my friend, well structured, great word flow, images that won't quit and a time to remember held deep within one's heart. Thanks for posting and sharing with us, be safe and God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-02-13 14:37:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Reeg: A shared memory of a moment when you were uplifted by the beauty of nature and one you can recall with its attendant emotions. I think we all have those moments albeit I'll admit I've not written about same in a dense extrapolation. Your free verse, no caps, little punctuation poem leaves some extrapolation for the reader. To wit, you have me nonplused in the first line. Do you intend the word "beheld" or is your point that there is an indebtedness in the moments? "a gravity of moments beholden in contrast proceeding in encrusted jewels evermore enthusiastic scene with hues and colors rioting upon mine golden eyes divine spotlight shines to the core" Arbitrary break for comment. I like "gravity of moments" as descriptor for coming down a mountain and you have these proceeding forever in rarefied jewelled state. The use of evermore and mine and beholden adds a sense of antiquity to the piece. "Enthusiastic" is the perfect modifier for the scene you limn, a rioting of colors and hues imprinted on your brain. The beauty you see reminds speaker of divinity, a touch of the divine, in a spotlight that beams to the innermost part. This evokes a warm feeling, an appreciation for nature often unnoted. "then swollen in fool's pride with remembrance of the past having humbly been now without that as a floor for the benefit of the beet and the rose benevolent spies, those- the wise, are wide and my love sleeps just beside." For me, this is the heart of the poem, especially lines 6-9. An epiphany, if you will, as speaker makes some connections not before understood. My take is that the glory of the scene and moment reminds speaker of his own insignificance in the greater scheme of things, his past missteps, and without the insight, he likely would have driven down the mountain, noticing little. The choice of beets and roses is quite unique and while I find it refreshing, I'm not quite sure why speaker pairs them as benevolent spies. As such, they are wise and wide. I was unaware that sagacity gives rise to widening; perhaps I now can explain that my girth is due to my wisdom. Ha! Then the end line...the quintessential touch...your beloved sleeps beside you. That you experienced this beauteous occasion is a rarity but that your soulmate was with you makes it vibrate with greater passion. Reeg, I have not delineated any poetic devices employed herein; we both know where they are. The entire piece is rife with internal rhyme...when read aloud, it's purely symphonic. Your allits are nicely set as are the places of assonance. This lovely memory stored and recalled by speaker becomes an experience for poets here. The sharing of such is akin to gifting us all with untold riches and I, personally, am appreciative. Thank you for allowing us to go down the mountain with you because it was a lovely, gratifying ride. Best wishes, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-02-12 22:26:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Regis--In Arizona we get almost 360 days of the scenes you described every year(sans greenery & rain, of course-smile). Moreover, I never tire of it. Excellent combination of rhymes(beholden/golden/swollen; contrast/past; evermore/core/floor; mine/ divine/shine; eyes/spies/wise; wide/beside) and alliterations (evermore enthusiastic; spotlight shines; having humbly) not only produces a melodious tone but also creates a picturesque imagery. The vivid descriptors in your recollection piece (in my humble opinion) suggest that your drive "Down The Mountain" could even be entitled; "Peak Experience" or "Perfect Moment(s)." I love the lines: "now without that as a floor for the benefit of the beet and rose benevolent spies, those- the wise, are wide and my love sleeps just beside." I hope I did not misstate your "...version of that day..." Thanks for sharing such a positive effort. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-02-12 20:24:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Reeg, Glad to read your artistry again! I like this one primarily for its splendid visual that this reader can physically see the author's experience. I am reading this as I am experiencing the "picturesque" view and wanting to create an incredibly vivid memory. This work manifests the interest and fascination of the author of nature specifically mountain. I also do love this stuff, going to mountains or even just seeing mountains in a distance. Your first input creates a great gravity to this reader feeling the moment of encrusted jewels evermore enthusiastic scene with hues and colors. Really splendid! The visual is fascinating and your words create great impact. But I am thinking of dropping "colors" and just stating "enthusiastic scene with fantastic hues" or maybe "reflecting hues". Just a little thought, though. I like the phrase, "swollen in fool's pride", artistically new! And wow! The ending is superbly lovely: "and my love sleeps just beside" ---- very inspiring! Thanks for sharing this relly fantastic experience down the mountain. I'll have that experience soon! Keep writing, Jordan

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