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This Poem was Submitted By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-02-28 21:10:15 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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I Have Memories

I have memories of being alive of sunlight touching my skin at the point when it is burning memories of cool water lapping at my ankles as we stroll on the beach arguing about latex memories of my heart beating deep breathing and sweat other than that I remember nothing not the sound of your name or the stretch of my throat as I spoke it I do not remember the brush of your hand in my hair the warm flannel covering your chest the gentle suck of your teeth as your breath filled my ear the rythm we created movement bodies entangled I do not remember

Additional Notes:
The writing group I belong to is getting ready to put out an anthology proceeds from copies we sell will go to a literacy group here in woodbridge. I am looking at my poems deciding what to include and doing rewrites so be brutal with this and any other piece of mine you see in the next few weeks, Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-03-07 19:29:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Hi Sandra, I would just like to drop by and say how much I enjoyed this one! This is different from your usual entries, this one is crystal clear, super poetic and inspiring! Enjoyed reading this! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-01 22:02:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.39394
Sandra--An apt title for this poignant piece. Nicely choreographed free verse with great subtlies on non-recalling of certain moments: a witty twist/turn in actuality as the speaker enjoys listing some amorous escapades while denying remembering same. One small and insignificant observation, I am sure, but maybe instead of extra spaces between phrases /thoughts (as punctuation), perhaps the use of commas, periods or semi-colons. This would create a definitive organization for clarity. Just a thought/suggestion. I enjoyed the read and apologize for any misstating of your intentions. Thanks for sharing. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-02-29 22:22:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56522
Dear Sandra, Good luck with your anthology, and congratulations! Written from a lovers broken heart, and it reads well. You used the senses well in this very powerful work. The title tells the truth that your poem tries to deny. There is one thingt hat I would consider doing, and that is to keep your thoughts all in one line, or break your thoughts into different lines instead of running them in to each other with just a few spaces as a break. This is a small thing and is just a thing of taste and doesn't impact the pathos of the poem at all. I think your group is doing a wonderful thing in donating the proceeds to a local literacy group. Thanks for sharing, Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-02-29 19:37:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82353
Sandra: Somehow, can you make the anthology available for purchase on a website? I'd be interested in purchasing one - and I think others who read here may be, as well. Your poem is lovely and sensual. It's not in my nature to be 'brutal' but I'll give feedback. It's the least I can do for you considering how many of my poems you've read and responded to - with very helpful ideas. I love it when we can 'workshop' poems here; if a writer requests feedback, I am happy to give it. I have memories of being alive This line suggests to me (and possibly to me alone) a disembodied spirit! of sunlight touching my skin at the point when it is burning The fire element - I recall this theme in some of your earlier poems as well. Somehow I want to bring more clarity to "at the point when it is" - something like - on fire - ablaze - flaming. Perhaps 'flame point'? The element of the sun's light along with a burning sensation in the skim make this poem immediately sensual. I don't think anyone has not had this sensation. We are most aware of our living within our skins when this amazing organ of our bodies communicates warmth or coolness. And you expertly contrast the heat with the "cool water lapping" to add an element of auditory imagery. memories of cool water lapping at my ankles as we stroll on the beach the liquid l's add to the liquid, soothing feel arguing about latex This line really surprised me. I can think of a number of contexts for this argument between two people - and it almost seems like eavesdropping to read this. This word lends texture to the piece (no pun intended) as well as intrigue. memories of my heart beating deep breathing and sweat excellent near-rhyme and rhythm in 'beating/breathing' - great metonymy other than that I remember nothing not the sound of your name or the stretch of my throat as I spoke it I do not remember the brush of your hand in my hair the ----'sensational' spacing between several words here and below warm flannel covering your chest the gentle suck -- excellent! of your teeth as your breath filled my ear the (rhythm) we created movement bodies entangled I do not remember The gentle irony as the speaker not only "remembers" everything vividly, but nudges readers to remember similar sensations. Nice, earthy 'th' sounds Working my way through this thoughtfully, I couldn't find anything to suggest changing, aside from tightening "at the point when it is burning." This is good - "include this one" is my suggestion! Best wishes for this worthy project of your writing group! Let us know where to look for the anthology, if you can get it online. :) Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-02-29 19:37:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82353
Sandra: Somehow, can you make the anthology available for purchase on a website? I'd be interested in purchasing one - and I think others who read here may be, as well. Your poem is lovely and sensual. It's not in my nature to be 'brutal' but I'll give feedback. It's the least I can do for you considering how many of my poems you've read and responded to - with very helpful ideas. I love it when we can 'workshop' poems here; if a writer requests feedback, I am happy to give it. I have memories of being alive This line suggests to me (and possibly to me alone) a disembodied spirit! of sunlight touching my skin at the point when it is burning The fire element - I recall this theme in some of your earlier poems as well. Somehow I want to bring more clarity to "at the point when it is" - something like - on fire - ablaze - flaming. Perhaps 'flame point'? The element of the sun's light along with a burning sensation in the skim make this poem immediately sensual. I don't think anyone has not had this sensation. We are most aware of our living within our skins when this amazing organ of our bodies communicates warmth or coolness. And you expertly contrast the heat with the "cool water lapping" to add an element of auditory imagery. memories of cool water lapping at my ankles as we stroll on the beach the liquid l's add to the liquid, soothing feel arguing about latex This line really surprised me. I can think of a number of contexts for this argument between two people - and it almost seems like eavesdropping to read this. This word lends texture to the piece (no pun intended) as well as intrigue. memories of my heart beating deep breathing and sweat excellent near-rhyme and rhythm in 'beating/breathing' - great metonymy other than that I remember nothing not the sound of your name or the stretch of my throat as I spoke it I do not remember the brush of your hand in my hair the ----'sensational' spacing between several words here and below warm flannel covering your chest the gentle suck -- excellent! of your teeth as your breath filled my ear the (rhythm) we created movement bodies entangled I do not remember The gentle irony as the speaker not only "remembers" everything vividly, but nudges readers to remember similar sensations. Nice, earthy 'th' sounds Working my way through this thoughtfully, I couldn't find anything to suggest changing, aside from tightening "at the point when it is burning." This is good - "include this one" is my suggestion! Best wishes for this worthy project of your writing group! Let us know where to look for the anthology, if you can get it online. :) Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-02-29 19:37:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82353
Sandra: Somehow, can you make the anthology available for purchase on a website? I'd be interested in purchasing one - and I think others who read here may be, as well. Your poem is lovely and sensual. It's not in my nature to be 'brutal' but I'll give feedback. It's the least I can do for you considering how many of my poems you've read and responded to - with very helpful ideas. I love it when we can 'workshop' poems here; if a writer requests feedback, I am happy to give it. I have memories of being alive This line suggests to me (and possibly to me alone) a disembodied spirit! of sunlight touching my skin at the point when it is burning The fire element - I recall this theme in some of your earlier poems as well. Somehow I want to bring more clarity to "at the point when it is" - something like - on fire - ablaze - flaming. Perhaps 'flame point'? The element of the sun's light along with a burning sensation in the skim make this poem immediately sensual. I don't think anyone has not had this sensation. We are most aware of our living within our skins when this amazing organ of our bodies communicates warmth or coolness. And you expertly contrast the heat with the "cool water lapping" to add an element of auditory imagery. memories of cool water lapping at my ankles as we stroll on the beach the liquid l's add to the liquid, soothing feel arguing about latex This line really surprised me. I can think of a number of contexts for this argument between two people - and it almost seems like eavesdropping to read this. This word lends texture to the piece (no pun intended) as well as intrigue. memories of my heart beating deep breathing and sweat excellent near-rhyme and rhythm in 'beating/breathing' - great metonymy other than that I remember nothing not the sound of your name or the stretch of my throat as I spoke it I do not remember the brush of your hand in my hair the ----'sensational' spacing between several words here and below warm flannel covering your chest the gentle suck -- excellent! of your teeth as your breath filled my ear the (rhythm) we created movement bodies entangled I do not remember The gentle irony as the speaker not only "remembers" everything vividly, but nudges readers to remember similar sensations. Nice, earthy 'th' sounds Working my way through this thoughtfully, I couldn't find anything to suggest changing, aside from tightening "at the point when it is burning." This is good - "include this one" is my suggestion! Best wishes for this worthy project of your writing group! Let us know where to look for the anthology, if you can get it online. :) Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-02-29 19:36:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82353
Sandra: Somehow, can you make the anthology available for purchase on a website? I'd be interested in purchasing one - and I think others who read here may be, as well. Your poem is lovely and sensual. It's not in my nature to be 'brutal' but I'll give feedback. It's the least I can do for you considering how many of my poems you've read and responded to - with very helpful ideas. I love it when we can 'workshop' poems here; if a writer requests feedback, I am happy to give it. I have memories of being alive This line suggests to me (and possibly to me alone) a disembodied spirit! of sunlight touching my skin at the point when it is burning The fire element - I recall this theme in some of your earlier poems as well. Somehow I want to bring more clarity to "at the point when it is" - something like - on fire - ablaze - flaming. Perhaps 'flame point'? The element of the sun's light along with a burning sensation in the skim make this poem immediately sensual. I don't think anyone has not had this sensation. We are most aware of our living within our skins when this amazing organ of our bodies communicates warmth or coolness. And you expertly contrast the heat with the "cool water lapping" to add an element of auditory imagery. memories of cool water lapping at my ankles as we stroll on the beach the liquid l's add to the liquid, soothing feel arguing about latex This line really surprised me. I can think of a number of contexts for this argument between two people - and it almost seems like eavesdropping to read this. This word lends texture to the piece (no pun intended) as well as intrigue. memories of my heart beating deep breathing and sweat excellent near-rhyme and rhythm in 'beating/breathing' - great metonymy other than that I remember nothing not the sound of your name or the stretch of my throat as I spoke it I do not remember the brush of your hand in my hair the ----'sensational' spacing between several words here and below warm flannel covering your chest the gentle suck -- excellent! of your teeth as your breath filled my ear the (rhythm) we created movement bodies entangled I do not remember The gentle irony as the speaker not only "remembers" everything vividly, but nudges readers to remember similar sensations. Nice, earthy 'th' sounds Working my way through this thoughtfully, I couldn't find anything to suggest changing, aside from tightening "at the point when it is burning." This is good - "include this one" is my suggestion! Best wishes for this worthy project of your writing group! Let us know where to look for the anthology, if you can get it online. :) Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-02-29 19:36:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82353
Sandra: Somehow, can you make the anthology available for purchase on a website? I'd be interested in purchasing one - and I think others who read here may be, as well. Your poem is lovely and sensual. It's not in my nature to be 'brutal' but I'll give feedback. It's the least I can do for you considering how many of my poems you've read and responded to - with very helpful ideas. I love it when we can 'workshop' poems here; if a writer requests feedback, I am happy to give it. I have memories of being alive This line suggests to me (and possibly to me alone) a disembodied spirit! of sunlight touching my skin at the point when it is burning The fire element - I recall this theme in some of your earlier poems as well. Somehow I want to bring more clarity to "at the point when it is" - something like - on fire - ablaze - flaming. Perhaps 'flame point'? The element of the sun's light along with a burning sensation in the skim make this poem immediately sensual. I don't think anyone has not had this sensation. We are most aware of our living within our skins when this amazing organ of our bodies communicates warmth or coolness. And you expertly contrast the heat with the "cool water lapping" to add an element of auditory imagery. memories of cool water lapping at my ankles as we stroll on the beach the liquid l's add to the liquid, soothing feel arguing about latex This line really surprised me. I can think of a number of contexts for this argument between two people - and it almost seems like eavesdropping to read this. This word lends texture to the piece (no pun intended) as well as intrigue. memories of my heart beating deep breathing and sweat excellent near-rhyme and rhythm in 'beating/breathing' - great metonymy other than that I remember nothing not the sound of your name or the stretch of my throat as I spoke it I do not remember the brush of your hand in my hair the ----'sensational' spacing between several words here and below warm flannel covering your chest the gentle suck -- excellent! of your teeth as your breath filled my ear the (rhythm) we created movement bodies entangled I do not remember The gentle irony as the speaker not only "remembers" everything vividly, but nudges readers to remember similar sensations. Nice, earthy 'th' sounds Working my way through this thoughtfully, I couldn't find anything to suggest changing, aside from tightening "at the point when it is burning." This is good - "include this one" is my suggestion! Best wishes for this worthy project of your writing group! Let us know where to look for the anthology, if you can get it online. :) Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-02-29 13:50:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Sandra: Be brutal, eh? I cannot conceive of brutalizing this piece which I find appealing. I have suggestions, however. I rarely advise this but I think your poem would benefit from punctuation. I know it's not the post-modern approach but I shall punc for you and see if you note any difference. "I have memories of being (enlivened?), ...."coming to life"?.... of sunlight touching my skin. at the point when it is burning, memories of cool water lapping ...good visual... at my ankles as we stroll on the beach arguing about latex. ...exquisite ... memories of my heart beating, deep breathing and sweat. other than that, I remember nothing: not the sound of your name (nor) the stretch of my throat ...another brava!... as I spoke it. I do not remember the brush of (your) hand in my hair, the warm flannel covering your chest, the gentle suck of your teeth as your breath filled my ear. the (rhythm) we created, movement, bodies entangled. I do not remember." Of course, this is my opinion only but the puncs guide the reader more easily to the meaning. This is a finely-crafted, deftly-done piece. Your imagery which is sensory, of course, conjures the beach scene quite well. I could feel the heat, feel the cooling of my feet in the water as it laps along. I laughed out loud at the "latex" line as that is so unexpected and unique but has such truism as that is the sort of thing about which couples often harangue. Another favorite phrase is: "the stretch of my throat"...very crisp and refreshing linguistics. Now the really interesting part comes into focus. You profess and protest that you recall nothing else of the day, not even his name, then go on to detail special moments shared with him. I think the lady "doth protest too much." Then the natural query arises as to why the speaker would vehemently deny any further memories and you wisely leave that to the reader to interpret. My take, of course, is that he hurt you terribly and left your life. (I suspect that will be the conclusion reached by most readers). I find this an ingenious approach to the "love-gone-wrong" poems which are usually tedious and boring. I haven't seen your other poems but I can easily imagine this little gem anthologized. I enormously enjoyed the read, I think this is worthy and interesting, and the pacing is perfect. (You also use eight hard K sounds, my favorite, so it is strong read aloud). I hope my little picky input may assist you in some minor way as the poem is truly lovely. Best wishes for its success. Mell Morris

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-02-29 13:29:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Brutal, you say? OK, I'll try to be blunt ... but wait, I like the poem too much to be negative! Uh-oh, what to do? Let's see ... I'll just toss a few suggestions at you, and if you like any of them, they're yours. if not, no harm done. I have memories of being alive of sunlight touching my skin [maybe a specific part of the skin ... neck? face? spine? thigh?] at the point when it is burning [Nice!!!] memories of cool water lapping ["cool" is sort of expected; is there another modifier that might be surprising? "Hungry", for instance? "Hungry water biting at my ankles"? There is a burning, and an argument, so maybe you don't really want a soothing sensation here ... or do you?] at my ankles as we stroll on the beach arguing about latex [Wow!! Talk about speaking a volume in one word!] memories of my heart beating ["beating" is also kind of expected. I mean, that's what hearts do. "Clenching"? Something a bit more, ummm, conflict-laden ...] deep breathing and sweat [Perfect. Prosaic, unromantic, visceral.] other than that I remember nothing not the sound of your name or the stretch of my throat [Wonderful!! This has a scarifical undercurrent.] as I spoke it I do not [Love the use of breaks to replace punctuation] remember the brush of [maybe "recall" or "imagine" - since you're going to use "remember" again at the end?] your hand in my hair the warm flannel covering your chest the gentle suck [Nice!] of your teeth as your breath filled my ear the rythm [sp: rhythm] we created[] movement [I'd use another spave here] bodies entangled I do not remember I hope these little comments are helpful. I made them mainly because you asked! The irony of this piece (no, more than irony: it's really a paradox) builds throughout. The last line is so simple and stark, and yet so filled with denial, that it lingers with the reader. The lady doth protest too much, of course. This is very good work. If it were mine, I'd submit it to the anthology with pride and confidence. Good luck with the project; I hope your group sells thousands of copies. Even hundreds (sigh) given that it's poetry, and the market's not what it used to be, back when astute readers truly appreciated the poets who spoke to and for them. Ah well, I applaud this undertaking as being most worthy of support. Give us a link on TPL when it's ready for sale. Take Care, Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-02-29 11:20:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61111
Sandra, I think "I have memories" is not a stong enough title for this piece. Ut makes it sound as if as if the piece were ordinary and not the deep and reflective - ironic and language rich poem it is. If you named it something from the poem - like Warm Flannel or even "Latex Memories" it might catch the readers imagination better. Have Memories I have memories of being alive GREAT fist line] of sunlight touching my skin [at the burning point] memories of cool water lapping [ankles as we stroll on the beach] arguing about latex [this would make the latex/lapping assonance stronger] memories of my heart beating [of] deep breathing and sweat other than that I remember nothing not the sound of your name or the stretch of my throat as I spoke it [GREAT} I do not remember the brush of your hand in my hair the warm flannel covering your chest the gentle suck of your teeth as your breath filled my ear the rythm we created [the] movement bodies entangled I do not remember Fantastic oxymoronic ending to a deeply moving and language rich piece.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-29 10:23:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.83784
What I Remember I do[remember] being alive [] sunlight touching my skin [] burning memories [] cool water lapping [] my ankles as we stroll[ed ] the beach arguing about latex memories of []my heart beating deep breathing sweat []yet I remember nothing not the sound of your name [n]or the stretch of my throat as I spoke it - I do not remember the brush of your hand in my hair the warm flannel covering your chest the gentle suck of your teeth as your breath filled my ear the rythm we created movement []entangled I remember - no - nothing else

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-29 07:16:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Sandra.....Others will be able to help you more then I.....I did stop by to read and I would like to respond to the reading......a fine piece which is structured quite well, the word flow brings it all to life....images come as one travels down and I so enjoyed the memories you brought to life for yourself or whoever you speak of......the title I have Memories......is good too for if one was just reading the title they would most likely continue on with the poem seeking out more of what the title has to offer......Memories, like the corners of our hearts are filled and ready to burst forth when called upon..... in closing I find it fascinating that in the opening lines you remember much of what is around you but when it comes to the actual person it just is not there for you to touch......thanks for posting, for sharing this with us.....good luck with the anthology and I am sure this one would stand on its own merits..... Be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-28 22:47:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
OK, you asked for it. Here's my attempt at "brutality" - which usually is not my thing. I'll call it honesty. I have memories of being alive - [1st 3 lines I like.] of sunlight touching my skin at the point when it is burning memories of cool water lapping - [how about a rhyme here? - churning? yearning?] at my ankles as we stroll on the beach arguing about latex memories of my heart beating deep breathing and sweat other than that I remember nothing not the sound of your name or the stretch of my throat - [loved this line] as I spoke it I do not - [I think I'd alter these next 4 lines' endings, lengths] remember the brush of your hand in my hair the warm flannel covering [similar to this???] [as I spoke it I do not remember the brush of your hand in my hair the warm flannel covering] your chest the gentle suck of your teeth as your breath - [great] filled my ear the rythm - [sp. -rhythm] we created movement - [I think this line is not separated sufficiently, a comma "we created, movement"] bodies entangled I do not - [the line break here works nicely] remember Sincere best wishes for your poetry, anthologies and fundraising. You sound like a very compassionate individual. My compliments on your fine initial posting of this one. It really is almost there, I believe. :)

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