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This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-03-08 20:05:26 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Vandenbergs Love

Draining the cup on our last hour of the day Midnight moonlight filters in across the intimate exchange between us - My blessing, is having Your ring of love around me 'till dawn. Contented bond- although not wed no pretense in knowing who shares this bed, This worth more than a million in gold spent on weddings that evaporate. My lover is my angel, my mortal equal and my friend, he picks up what I let fall - when the heaviest troubles are at my end. As the cup drains, with our last kiss of the night, As blue stays blue forever As mystyc remains unknown let this love define us for in your heart I'm home.

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-25 17:05:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Hi Poet, I find this to be a lovely tribute to love and also to the love two people have for each other...wonderfully written with sporadic rhyming that works so well in this piece. I write a lot of poetry but have never been able to write a love poem as exquisit as this one...."my blessing is having your ring of love around me till dawn"..I know that feeling of love and safety as nothing compares to that when day is done.... ...'my lover is my angel my mortal equal'...to find a soul mate at a young age is a priceless gift...mine passed away some years ago and the thought of marriage to another has never crossed my mind....'he picks up what I let fall..when the heaviest troubles are at my end'...what a wonderful safety net this can be...just the knowing that he is there to pick up the pieces is so comforting....'as mystyc (mystic?) remains unknown let this love define us as in your heart I am home'...great ending for this poem about love and comitment....wonderful! Thanks for sharing this one. Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-03-13 21:31:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.30769
Deni, this poem is really powerful. I like that you say the couple is bonded although not wed. Bonded is a word that really implies a volintary comitment that is so deep that it is not easily broken an emotion that is an essential part of the individual. Bonded is the perfect word to use in this poem. My blessing is having your ring of love...- this line too is exactly right. We are used to saying count your blessings as if we need a multitued of them but you change that around my blessing here implies that this one blessing is enough it is all the speaker needs. Great writing here. And then the ending is also very well done. Overall I really enjoyed this poem. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-03-13 20:33:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Poet, This is truly a love poem from the heart and all summed up in the last three lines: As mystyc remains unknown let this love define us for in your heart I'm home. How wonderful to feel at home in his heart. I have that kind of relationship as well and I am so glad. Your work is lyrical and sensual with lots of emotion flowing through it. Congratulations, it looks like you have found your soul-mate, married or not. THanks for sharing, Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Michele Rae Mann On Date: 2004-03-09 09:20:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
DeniMari, Great feeling of comfort. Only one suggestion. Instead of around me till dawn, how about surround me till dawn? Michele Mann

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-03-09 06:31:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.76923
DMZ- An honest and heartfelt tribute to a lover and to love. I appreciate and applaud your honesty and insight into the most difficult of life's trials, that of establishing a long-term relationship. If ever there was a heaven and a hell, they are there ensconsed, they live in that holy pairing together like the twin faces of Janus. Writing about, telling about it, for others to appreciate and for us to peak under the curtain, or in through the veil, is difficult, to me, very difficult. It is tough to not come off as trite, maudlin, sappy, syrupy, or even mystycal! You keep yourself within the limits the genre can tolerate without running over your banks. If this is from your own experiences, and I hear ample evidence of that here, then good luck in your endeavors; may you be rewarded for your efforts, and tolerate the occasional pain with the knowledge that it comes with the territory. But like they say "no pain? no gain!" jealously, tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-08 21:12:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
The scattered rhymes work wonders for me. The rhyming thing is a tricky one, varying with each and every possiblity, some very concise and patterned, others random like this one. I think it depends a lot on the message, the emotions involved and even on the poet's environment. This is one of the best love poems I've seen in a while - a very difficult, and abused with over-use, theme. A couple little things: I believe "'till" with the apostrophe should have only one "l". If you use 2 l's, you do not need the apostrophe. See how picky I can be? :>) Another thing that threw me was the word near the end: "mystyc". I cannot for the life of me, figure this one. Is it a typo, or a word unbeknownst to me?? A beautiful piece. Write on! wl

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