This Poem was Submitted By: Jane A Day On Date: 2004-03-15 20:12:43 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Deep voices carve song heavy as the demon of adultery in the first cycle of a marriage. The beat of throat hum under throat hum waves pale the sopranos of vespered nuns. This music is strong enough to heave the darkness  from the muscels of our shoulders.  This sound can carry us across the bridge to unreachable heaven. 

Copyright © March 2004 Jane A Day

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-04-03 20:51:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Jane, I do so enjoy your work and don't get to critique it nearly as often as I'd wish. Deep voices carve song heavy as the demon of adultery in the first cycle of a marriage. What remarkable use is made of "carve" here! The opening song's weight bears us downward, like adultery itself; no marriage can survive this burden. The song is dark, darkly rendered. The beat of throat hum under throat hum waves pale the sopranos of vespered nuns. There is a multi-layered effect in this strophe, suggestive of Gregorian textures. Assonance of "waves pale" imitates the high-noted voices; "waves" in itself is another rare verb choice. It also portrays the two genders in a sort of counterpoint (like marriage partners), for we know that the resonant voices are the throat-humming monks, and theirs is the rich undercurrent that anchors the lighter notes. "Vespered" is lovely, so sacred and quiet. This music is strong enough to heave the darkness from the muscels of our shoulders. Another great verb with "heave"! Thus we see harmony as a literal concept and as a unifying force between members of a pair. The couple can resist that first demon if they stick together (seems obvious but it isn't, really). I like the way "heave" links back to "heavy" in L2. Spelling: muscles This sound can carry us across the bridge to unreachable heaven. This has an almost orgasmic quality. When partners are perfectly attuned, nothing is more likely to reach the sublime. There's a certain paradoxical quality to the whole idea of bridging the gap to "unreachable" heaven, since if it is truly unreachable, there could be no bridge. Since I love paradox in any context, this one definitely appeals to me. I've also known the delirious sensation of being borne away on a rush of music, so the metaphor is readily understood. Beautifully cadenced, haunting and honest writing. There's so much being said, in such a condensed space. A poem doesn't require length and verbosity to be profound! Here's the proof of that. Regards, Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-03-31 13:43:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25806
Gregorian? i would cleave some articles and possessives, but this works as you've done it, too. it is a very moving vice, no? tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-24 15:44:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.31250
Hi Jane, This is such an intriging piece of poetry and I was hooked after the first stanza! 'deep voices carve song'..what a poetic description of deep voices...a terse but wonderful phrase as it says all it needs to say in four words. Yes a demon of adultery at any stage in a marriage is heavy....much more weight than most can bear. In S2 the 'beat of throat hum under throat hum' reminds me of Monks chanting...which is just beautiful 'waves pale the sopranos of vespered nuns' High voices could never compete with the low baritones and throat hums...'the music is stong enough to heave the darkness'..heave the darkness is an inspired phrase...'from the muscels (muscles)of our shoulders' then your last stanza...'this sound can carry us across the bridge into unreachable heaven' these lines speak to me as two people in love and not just the haunting music of a chant. I am most likely worng about that but can't get the thught out of my mind....either way this is a wonderful poem from you talented pen...thanks for posting such a haunting piece. Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-16 18:04:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51613
Hi Jane--Your opening line draws the peek-in-and-see reader right in! That deep voice "carve" song is just so original, poetic, descriptive and goes to that place in us that relishes originality in fine poetry. Heavy as the demon--also fresh, foreboding, warning, in its way--and the first cycle of marriage really piques my interest (as to your ideas of the 2nd and 3rd etc. cycles!) throat hum under throat hum is like "advanced alliteration" {laugh}--and what a way to describe the soprano voices of the nuns. My goodness, we have a real chorus starting up here. "heave the darkness"--wow! Now that is strong music--and the kind of poetics we long in our souls to read. It refreshes and inspires us! That sound carries us across the bridge to "unreachable" heaven--again, some very serious statements about sound and music and its power. Aptly titled, and your follow-through, flawless. Excellent, short right-to-point message, clothed in swaddling poetry. Left me wanting to read more! Marcia McCaslin
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-16 11:15:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Chant welcome back ms day and with a brilliant shout of a chant too Deep voices carve[wowee what a n evocative fresh verb!] song heavy as [a- demon I think - I bet there are lots of those falled demi-gods] demon of adultery in the first cycle [perhaps [thrust -or turn of a marriage - cycle seems to washing machine for me-] of a marriage. The beat of throat hum under throat hum waves pale the sopranos of vespered nuns. ahhhhhh - i went into a zen stupor when I read that stana twice - and my throat is still vibeating wonderful! This music is strong enough to heave the darkness  from the [sp?muscels ]of -our shoulders.  This sound [carries us] across the bridge to unreachable heaven.  lovely ozymornic ending to a specacular piece
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-15 22:33:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69231
Another wonderful job, Jane. From the darkness of adultery to reach a place of perfection, the sounds you have passed to us is amazing. I like the transition from 4 lines to 3. It helps ease the lifting of darkness somehow. Check spelling of "muscles". I hear the bass voices, the sopranos, the background music, the ohm's of the chant lifting us as we travel through the lines. Superb expresses it pretty well. I see nothing else wrong with it. Write on. :>) wl
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