This Poem was Submitted By: Cathy Hill Cook On Date: 2004-03-19 22:36:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Undone's Mind Once upon a time
in Undone's mind,
It tried to reason
with Fried Beyond Season.
Undone had one thought
left before Mad was brought.
There must be a lesson,
and Gush granted more questions,
Undone then got the Notion
who forgot all the Comotion,
Because Fried Beyond Season
had died within reason! |
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Copyright © March 2004 Cathy Hill Cook
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-04-07 17:57:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72727
Hi,
I realize this is a big play on words, and it's really cute. My only suggestion is perhaps to give the reader an idea of what Undone is and to also let the reader know more about Fried Beyond Seasons death.
You've got a good rhyming pattern - with - a whimsical flair - sort of Cat in the Hat style.
Sincerely,
DeniMari
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-03-22 19:56:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.75000
Undone...Mad...Gush...Fried...HUH?
Something must have gone through your mind before you had this wild dream or did some drug.
Reminds me of something I would have written when I was a dippy Hippie and popping little blue ones,
and pink ones...etc. Okay. This is beyond my intellect or reasoning. I hope others have figured
it out. Just call me stupid and give me a 2.
PS: Commotion (has two m's)! That's about all I can contribute that's worth anything!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2004-03-22 17:26:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Dear Cathy,
I really like the name of the characters in this poem: Gush, Fried Beyond Season, Commotion, Notion, Undone, and Mad. I wish the poem was a lot longer so we could follow their adventures. Maybe a series of poem? Very fun rhymes and I very much like the rhythm as well. I also would like a little more concrete setting (an office) and details (descriptions) to really enforce the absurdity.
Thanks so much,
Jane
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