arnie s WACHMAN's E-Mail Address: email@example.com
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|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN||Critique Date|
|Ah, Such Memories||Erzahl Leo M. Espino||I am so glad to see you back and writing. I hope it is a long time before you find your ladder! Short and sweet. Noting to change. Keep on writing.||2007-01-08 13:50:51|
|Fighting In the Homeland||Ellen K Lewis||Well crafted sentiments. May I asy that the US gained it's freedoms though through your civil wars especially North vs South...a terrible loss of humanity there...but here in Canada we had no such war within our borders and never killed the natives as Custer did to gain territory. We learned out lessons from our grandparents about freedom. Mine came from Russia and Germany where we were severly subjugated and turned that around once they reached our shores. But anyway, I did like your approach to freedom. May the bells ring.||2007-01-07 20:17:25|
|A Christmas Card||marilyn terwilleger||I know this is late but at least I'm getting back into it. I appreciate your sentiments here though I am not a believer in Christ. Your words are simply put and understandable. I may add one thing...there is only snow in half the world! Happy holidays.||2007-01-07 11:52:39|
|History Lessons||Dellena Rovito||Oh so true. Good rhythm here. Books are always finding a way from the store to my shelves so that when I have time, I acquire the insight within. Too many books, too little time. Thanks for this cut ditty.||2007-01-05 17:14:17|
|The Drilling Stage||Ellen K Lewis||Certainly an interesting an well laid out piece. I'm not sure of the map you speak of here esp. in six dimensions. I think of ECT when I read this. What does your soul and psyche tell you now. I am trying to get back into writing and critiquing, and this is my first attempt at it since my heart failure 6 weeks ago. I know it's now much. Just wanted to let you know, I enjoyed it.||2006-11-22 15:24:50|
|Lady by the Sea||marilyn terwilleger||I don't think you're that Lady 'cause you don't live by the sea. This is a dark and somber poem. I do believe though you are looking at yourself and absorbing some blame. I do believe you were "atoning"? Tumbling waves line in wonderful. I do have a problem with your line breaks. I saw the surf break into an avalanche of foam and felt fear that made me huddle and quake For me it would read much better like this: I saw the surf break into an avalanche of foam and felt fear that made me huddle and quake And you don't need those periods! Period!||2006-09-08 11:39:52|
|On the Plain Of Pretense||Ellen K Lewis||Writing is a great way to heal and overcome depression. I trust you're keeping a Journal. I suspect the strides refer to a mate that you could not keep up with. Remember ... change is good. One only has to realize that. We cannot remain stagnant or else we wither and die. Well laid out. No need for those periods you threw in. Stay well. Take a bubble bath....||2006-09-07 18:00:48|
|this||Shannon M Bloomquist||Welcome Shannon. Yes your last line says what lot of us think yet are afraid to open up and share with each other which is our "feelings." You certainly laid it all out here. Line by line read very well. An easy read. I liked the title. It didn't say much but drew me in to read all. see our faces reflected back at us.........I would change that to "seeing"., and P.S.: We all don't lead crappy lives - some maybe more than others only because of life expriences, etc. P.S.S.: sounds and looks to me like you're a college student. Who else eats cold pizza on the floor???||2006-09-06 16:22:39|
|Lies||marilyn terwilleger||And what is truth? Is it of one or many? You equate lies with nature which is very interesting. Even a whisper ...I would throw "silence" in there as well.You have arrived at an interesting conclusion...that a kernel of truth will light the mottled sky. Who;s truth I ask again. This is a well laid out format with some interesting thoughts. Again, my own personal stuff creeps into the title.||2006-09-04 11:05:25|
|Wasteland||marilyn terwilleger||A different format of writing for you as well as the topic. Measuring life with a teaspoon is an awsome line when you place it against the hourglass of time (didn't mean to rhyme there). It appears you are doing some introspection most of which we do as we come down to the final count. Ague is a new word for me. Had to look it up. Good one! Your need to "write and create" is something I think most artists go through..some for longer periods than others. My only problem with this, and it is strictly personal, is that I don't like repetition of words in the body used as a title.||2006-08-31 16:22:17|
|Behind The Door||Dellena Rovito||Reminds me of an out of body experience you have (or had). Were you connected to someone or something by a golden thread? I had such an experience once only. Scared the crap out of me.! I think you can make this "sound" better by taking out.............Voila! There .......what do you think? This piece appears to be a re-working of your schemata or inner self ...Jungian talk here. Interesting poem...kind of different for you.||2006-08-31 16:12:28|
|Therapy minus thirty six minutes||Mark Andrew Hislop||Oh my. INsight...remember...I am a therapist and can read a lot into this...however I will not offer advice. This piece testifies to the feelings and nature of and before therapy. To equate plunging (watch your spelling here)your fist into the boiling magma certainly bespeaks of the nature of therapy. It is very very painful until you come out the other side so to speak. I wonder what type and nature of therapist you have. What theoretical school does he/she follow? I like the dull string theories part but I doubt if that is the case. Your medicine MY be you...yes...BUT in that there is healing. Acceptance and denial have a large part to play in therapy as well as learning new things about ones self that was afraid to explore before for fear of being hurt. I really hope it works well for you. The magic solution is in you. Keep well my friend and thanks for letting me explore that avenue with you.||2006-08-29 13:20:20|
|The Hunt||marilyn terwilleger||Very descriptive and thought invoking of a time that you enjoyed but then again didn't enjoy the hunt. Was it because of the slaughter of the animal, or you were too cold;too young? The images bring forth sights and smells, and especially the sound of a camp fire. The smell of sage is pungent. There is a longing there for days past (when life was more simple). Perhaps you could have written a little more about "the hunt". i.e.: what kind. Now I am burdened by memories that should remain in a life where I bought them................typo? "bought" s/b "brought"? P.S.: what kind of trees "quake"? and who is "us"? Perhaps you can delve into that a bit more?||2006-08-26 18:13:04|
|A Round of Poetry||G. Donald Cribbs||An interesting take on the two worlds you lived in. Your father's PTSD certainly was and is the bane of many servicemen who saw hell. I love the line about melding. Brilliant! I guess one can say that you both made circles towards the same ending. You are a survivor. unable to meld a thought or a phrase into poetry. You were not "unable" here !||2006-08-26 10:33:24|
|The Cellar||marilyn terwilleger||At first I thought it may be about you and/or that child they recently found in Europe who escaped her captor after 10 years. yesterday he struck for another ilk I find the above line a bit awkward. Perhaps you can re-do it? Definite touches of empathy here written in two line format which brings out the most in the short space.||2006-08-26 10:26:47|
|Crap||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||hey sinner man, where ya gonna run to, hey sinner man...the ballad goes. Cathartic? Hell yes. Wow. You sure don't mince words. My self as a retired psychiatric Nurse hears you. I think you need to find a group that will help you on your journey. Life is crap! Some parts smell better than others. If you can swim you got it made~~! I used to tell my patients - "give up." They didn't undestand so I explained..."give up your behaviors because obviously it's not working." I think you have done that from what you say about surrender. Thanks for letting us have a peek into your psyche. The title sure got me and drew me in even though it was at the bottom of my list. Take care.||2006-08-25 03:30:20|
|The Argument||G. Donald Cribbs||An interesting take on this chapter. Not being a Christian I had to read about what you are referring to. "let he who casts the first stone..." is well known even to me (I mean the saying). Well laid out verse with an interesting ending as if the stones could tell us the story. One question: was it really an "argument" or a philosophical statement? Thanks for making me look.||2006-08-24 10:41:07|
|Five Words and Five Lines||Ellen K Lewis||Oh yah! But it's a circle...don't get purple! Cute...I think all poets need to get off the circle once in awhile!||2006-08-20 14:28:20|
|Your day at the beach||Michael Bird||What can I say? It's a wonderful tribute to this couple whom you obviously love. For a moment I thought it was about yourself. This poem stands on its own merits. Thanks for posting.||2006-08-19 03:20:58|
|The Opposing Attorneys||Debbie Spicer||You can tell Tamara for me to look into the soldier's minds that return from the battlefront. Stress disorders as you well know were once known as "shell shock" in the army. Your piece is real. Your feelings are real You write very intimately about your problem and are willing to share those inner thoughts. You are strong and brave. Tell Tamara to piss up a rope. She should spend some time reading up on stress orders then go and volunteer in a Veteran's hospital or spend time on a psych unit.But then you must excuse her for she is the opposing lawyer and that is her job isn't it. to put you down and belittle what you are going through. Take care my friend.||2006-08-19 03:14:48|
|Poets Don't Get Into Trouble Anymore||James C. Horak||Perhaps there is not, when poets no longer get into trouble. I got into trouble critiquing you...............||2006-08-13 16:32:47|
|Here I Am||Medard Louis Lefevre Jr.||Well you certainly voice that of millons ... but the fact and truth is that you question. At least you don't blindly fall into something. I don't see you as "unworthy", but rather a seeker. Many philosophers before you question. I do. There are no answers;at least that's my belief. I wonder at just "existing" as you put it. Not much of a life in that...go out and enjoy yourself...have a beer, a chocolate ice cream cone...etc. Love? Well There is probably lots out there for you to uncover. All you have to do is be open for the adventure. And so, there you are. Be in the moment. Hoo boy...you got me thinking...and I can write so much more on this but I 'd probably bore you. Take care.||2006-08-13 11:47:42|
|Voyeur||marilyn terwilleger||I like that : life ran in water color. It is so apt. Nothing in life runs smoothly does it? All runs together. And the rocks and the sea bring about harder times, and salt to rub in the wounds? Was wondering if this was a dream. This morning I had a dream that awoke me, about a neighbour that called (the voice was clear) and asked,"This is Don. Arnie is that you?" I have yet to go see him. You wrote: stood in the rocks. ?stood on the rocks. Thanks for this thought provoking piece.||2006-08-13 10:30:10|
|Electoral Math||Fowler Trask||First of all...you never answered my email. Secondly, you never gave an answer to my critiques...just a score. That is VERY innapporopriate and downright rude. If I spend the time to look at your poetry, then the least you can do is tell me why you didn't like what I had to say, etc. Your scores really don't mean diddly squat to me...however it is an insult to receive a score of 5 without you giving the reasons WHY. DIG? Now, I see you're on a math kick again...I hope you find your legacy. Summertime will never end? People who live in southern climes certainly are that way...but we need rain, and snow to fill our lakes and waters. You do have a song here. I hope you put a tune to it.And what country are you going to be President of? The title is a good one BTW. Layout is easy to read and understand.||2006-08-10 13:53:22|
|Thirty-Six Across||Fowler Trask||I really didn't know what to expect when I read the title. Wonderful open ending to this. It brought me back, the first part about vomiting into buckets as it reminded me of my purple haze days. Then you wove this magical tale at the end leaving me thinking... Well constructed in format. It leaves me with chills and thinking...oh I said that already. Fowler, I loved it. I don't often say that about the poems I read here.||2006-08-06 22:15:50|
|Dawning||marilyn terwilleger||A moment of reflection. I liked the opening lines. Is there only one eye? Nothing stupendous but an old truth which is....? One of your more open poems. I hope you have resolved whatever it is.Good title.||2006-08-06 21:46:04|
|passive aggressive ..the culture of America||Ellen K Lewis||I've read your work, and can basicaly agree with what you mention. I do not accept the "Christian" value statements as being a cure all for everyone. As a Jew, I do have my own values. Do not forget that it was the Jewish people who gave the first values to the world in the Ten Commandments1 Suggest to tighten up this ode by eliminating a lot of the superfluous "we's". Otherwise I think you have to make more of this poem your own.||2006-08-06 17:01:02|
|Moonstones||James C. Horak||I can see where you've changed your style of writing since youve written this one .The only problem I have with this one is the last stanza. Isn't that called a dangling??? Are you still a romantic?||2006-07-28 19:51:05|
|Painting A Picture||Dellena Rovito||Oh I can see your're getting your harmony back. Great inspiration here. Your last stanza doesn't really reflect what's going on in the world today now does it? I think the world's creator is crying!||2006-07-28 01:28:46|
|Oohga Whah Whah||James C. Horak||So, you have a houseboy eh? Fluffy was let loose and snatched by our Golden eagles that fly around here. They fight with the hawks...oh such fun it is...look at all that white fur that Fluffy left behind! Don't give Oohga my number, okay?||2006-07-28 01:24:57|
|To Those That Pick on Dweebs||James C. Horak||Guess I must be that Dweeb! Not really proud of it...just never thought about it...takes too much energy, and I'd rather do something more constructive than write this kind of so called poetry...oops. Did I piss you off?||2006-07-28 01:20:11|
|This Old Table Has Roots||Ellen K Lewis||Great fun here. Yes all so true...why when I was young....gee I forget. When was that? Was that when I was ten and you were...hell I don't know . . . it was so long ago!||2006-07-28 01:17:02|
|Neighborhood Watch||Fowler Trask||Futuristic to say the least. Website designer controlling us. Last line I think is missing "it". eg.:This is how we do "it" in exurbia. Well I sort of live in exurbia and see nothing around here that is similar. You have a very active imagination no doubt from playing too many video games. Anyway, it is an interesting theme which made me Google a lot. Welcome to TPL.||2006-07-23 13:15:02|
|The Family of Crows||Ellen K Lewis||Before I read your notes I said to myself "this is very amateurish and simple and not like Ellen." Okay, now I understand. In the written format you use two spellings for the Crow's call and I wonder why although they both sound the same. two times in deep tones...suggest, twice with deep throaty tones. Fun piece but I wonder why you left all that food out?!||2006-07-16 19:42:00|
|Unanswered||James C. Horak||Truth comes in many forms. My father used to say little truths were white lies. Who knows? My truth may not be your truth. That you did not mean the kindness you offered....that is a very telling line. Only from your viewpoint perhaps. Well said from your view but one must present both sides...and then there may not be answers or truths. So yes, the title is very appropriate. Maybe time will affect the situation...maybe not.||2006-07-16 12:26:24|
|Rockets' Red Glare||Ellen K Lewis||Oh right on. There are good wars and bad wars. This war on terror will go on and on and on...like Vietnam. Like Bob Dylan sang, "When will they ever learn?" There is no need for a plural after Rockets. True, let's all celebrate when the soldiers come home...but can't we just have a wee nip now?||2006-07-09 18:59:44|
|I Am Still An American||Ellen K Lewis||Patriotic. I think this would "sound" better it it was titled "I AM an American." One doesn't have to apologize for being one. I don't really feed them though I know I should..."I don't really feed them though I know I could". Using should is a guilt thing. You also run between first and second person here...too cumbersome. Make it all first person...using "I" instead of "you". When I lay my head down to a restfull sleep I thank God for tending over all of His sheep I praise Him for the sacrifice His Son made and for the life of a soldier I never got to thank. I know that you are Christian, however not all Americans are! reference to "His Son". Unless you are referring specifically to one soldier/person that you know is a Christian, then I would drop that line. Arnie||2006-07-08 13:20:39|
|My Home On the Prairie||Ellen K Lewis||This brought back many memories, the prairie dog, dust, heat, and wind. Good descriptives here. The wildfires are something else to behold. Right now there are several threatening one of the communities I used to live in. However you got to watch your spelling. I've picked up on at least four words Do you not use spell check? I liked the passage about the rifle and the pick. Very apropos but the coyotes never really bothered us. I think they were more afraid of us than we of them.||2006-07-05 13:39:14|
|Now that I am dead||Mark Andrew Hislop||An interesting possibility. Some people are dead but are still alive.This could be what a lot of my depressed patients have gone through. I see a kiss that grips a lover like a vice, a sermon rape the whore it hates, a mother mine her child with her breast's spike, Over all this is far and away the best part of this piece...Very ingenuous and creative.||2006-07-04 21:37:47|
|Perspective||stephen g skipper||This is so full of sights, smells, and sounds that it really peaked my interest. You are writing well my friend. The descriptions of the weathered hands, bread, coffee so brings this piece alive that I could associate with it. A good title that fits the body and subject. (P.S.: Please do more critiquing).||2006-06-14 15:42:15|
|KaKaKachina||James C. Horak||Nice to see you writing again. This Kachina visage I've heard of before but I don't know if it's from the west coast natives that are where I live (many tribes to list here). Taking care of living things is very shall I say, humble of you. We "should" all abide by that. Maybe there would be war no more.To have your image on a totem? Now that's some vanity speaking here...No?||2006-06-14 15:33:59|
|Pioneer Woman||Jana Buck Hanks||Very descriptive and very creative. My grandparents were not like that, but I can appreciate this totally. Flour sack aprons and the like must have been very rough to wear and use. I know of some that wore potato sack outfits...scratchy +++. Tommy toes bloom? what is that? I would love to have a barrister book case (the original kind with the secret drawer). My only advice is to change in the last line the word loving to lovingly. Otherwise I can smell the pies now!||2006-06-11 14:08:49|
|Nightmare||Jordan Brendez Bandojo||Too much Bud will do that to you!Yikes. A bit choppy in presentation but I suppose that dreams are that way...they don't flow like a movie (usually). So, you got your point across and that's what's important here. I squinted the world's bulging eyes...I squinted (at) the worlds's bulging eyes...good line here as well. My blood run cold...My blood runs cold (or)my blood ran cold...take your pick.||2006-06-11 11:51:24|
|Leaving||Rick Barnes||Lovely tribute. I have nothing to add except she was one fine lady admired by all.||2006-06-04 13:32:19|
|The white magnet||Mark Andrew Hislop||Remember that song:"Pave paradise and put up a parking lot?" This is very reminiscent of that.Although subtle you make your point. "Steam quills of coffee?" Must be an Aussie phrase. Never heard it before. Good on ya Mate.||2006-06-03 11:45:55|
|Reminiscences||April Rose Ochinang Claessens||Hell of a love poem ... a soliloquay first rate. I hope you got what you wanted.You bring in a lot of external sources to help you in your quest. I hope they didn''t turn you down. And I hope your bosom didn''t expand too much less you wouldn''t fit into your bra! Anyway, quite well laid out. An easy read. Good title.||2006-06-03 11:39:07|
|Longings||marilyn terwilleger||Random as they are, they make good sense. Here I could use a lot of warmth along with that sun. Right now I am using Moni's puter as mine is very sick. It's going for a new mother board installation today.||2006-06-03 09:04:33|
|For The Love Of Aphrodite||Nancy Ann Hemsworth||Greetings from Vancouver Island which is certainly a maritime province. I love the folk/celtic music that comes out of your area, which is certainly not heard here (the music roots and style that is). The Barra Mcneils come to mind; Ann Murray, etc. I do not know of any such proclivity around here. Anyway, the lines have a very nice lilt to it. Very musical and I think you should put it to music. Who wrote "Home is the hunter down from the hills and the sailor home from the seas?" As an aside, did you know that the majority of Canadian sailors in WW2 were from the prairies? So was it Aphrodities fault there?||2006-05-31 12:32:17|
|Your friendship brightens my day!||Jordan Brendez Bandojo||Gee, I don't know where my first poem is, and I don't think that I have it. But I may somewhere. I'll have to dig through some piles of papers. Interesting thought that you propose is to have us put up our first writings. Yes, this poem, childish as it may appear, also has a tone of maturity. I wonder if you still have this same friend. Is it male or female? Not that it matters. Thanks for letting us into your life.||2006-05-28 11:34:28|
|Pollinator||Dellena Rovito||Certainly is a "well oiled" economic machine. I wonder how long it took people to figure out that bees were the cause of pollination. I learned through this piece the word "anther". I had always known it as "pistil". One suggestion: could you not have the last stanza like this so that all the stanzas bear the same amount of lines? Like a well-oiled economic machine, the dance of life acts out. Elegantly timed, chemically and structurally related circles of connection creates for both……their offspring||2006-05-27 13:43:46|
|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by arnie s WACHMAN||Critique Date|
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