This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-05-28 00:51:25 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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The Guru What would dawn before you, that spoken light
Redemption, by and in whose name from sight
Thrust you your unredeemed self, hence your soul
Is not your sought path but his achieved goal.
Half-thrust aside, your crippled state you mourn:
Could you cross-legged on his stool announce
Half-remembered lies, rehearsed more than once,
You'd poison both the living and unborn.
That love you would dispense should this restrain,
Not the exesses the many beast-states maintain
Nor states' victims, for neither comprehend
Their condition nor, then, the word you send.
Give all your mind, through labour, through leisure,
To pursue your own goal. Mind in you delves,
Is the searching spirit through all dark selves,
Towards day: in this depth lies our measure. |
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Copyright © May 2004 Mark Andrew Hislop
This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-06-07 13:57:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87805
Mark,
I'm not sure what to make of this my friend. I've read it over a few times and have not been able to press in close enough to feel the sweat from it, to know your full intent. You may simply chalk it up to my ineptness, or ignorance. However, I do see in this a form, a structure, and the fact that you stayed within the requirements of end rhyme and stanza length.
My gut reaction is that your language is a bit too abstract, possibly vague, or simply not completely clear to the reader. Am I supposed to know what you're saying here, or do you have an intended audience? I mean no disrespect, and I certainly don't want to offend you. I'm simply writing to you as a fellow poet, who has read several of your poems, and who thought he had a decent idea regarding your writing style, but you've stumped me here. What is your purpose and intent here? What are you trying to get out of the poem? I hope this perspective helps, even if it's a bit discouraging. Please forgive my lack of discretion in softening the blow. I hope this can help you look at this one with a fresh eye, and hopefully come back with an even better poem. Before I offend you any further, I'll close this for now.
Warm regards, and I look forward to reading your other poems as you post them on the Link. I hope it won't bother you if I continue to critique your poems.
Blessings,
Don
This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-06-01 22:25:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wow. Two excellent poems in a row, both reminding me of my foray into the spiritual life as a monk. This is exceptionally well done and thought out. It reminds me of a book by Sri Chinmoy (not my personal guru, but a great man nonetheless) which discusses the Master/Apprentice relationship as it relates to said life. Touches on all the key aspects of criticality that the guru plays for the student/aspirant.
Super good job with rhyming structure, as it suits the topic quite well. Among my TPL all time favorites.
Thanks,
REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-29 18:45:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.31034
Yes, Mark. Well said, and except for one misspelling/typo, I'd change nothing. Nice alternating rhyme pattern and rhythm well done. Much in the way of l and d alliterations to help the reader sense the mood of this piece. Sp. of "excesses" in S2, L2. Sorry for the brevity, but score as you will, for I see no need to be verbose here. Peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Anne Korb On Date: 2004-05-28 22:04:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
Lovely! Don't take credit for what was his achievement and think deeply...searching one's spirit to find our measure. The metre is great, and I loved your pattern of rhyme. On the whole, this is a lovely poem, though I think perhaps we give the guru too much credit. I think I'll copy this one out and keep it for myself, with your permission, of course. Watch your spelling....excesses...but other than that, I really like it.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-05-28 10:15:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87879
I love this fresh topic but the rhyme scheme is driving me nuts because I keep trying to bend it into a sonnet which is my problem, not yours.
What would dawn before you, that spoken light
Redemption
“Spoken light” and then the enjambment of "Redemption"is marvelous
, by and in whose name from sight
Thrust you your unredeemed self, hence your soul
Is not your sought path but his achieved goal.
Ah…. Hook and bait of the enlightened ones
Half-thrust aside, your crippled state you mourn:
Could you cross-legged on his stool announce
Half-remembered lies, rehearsed more than once,
You'd poison both the living and unborn.
Who is these malevolent creature and why oh why do seemingly intelligent people buy it?
That love you would dispense should this restrain,
Not the exesses the many beast-states maintain
Nor states' victims, for neither comprehend
Their condition nor, then, the word you send.
Oh but they want to! Really they do
Give all your mind, through labour, through leisure,
To pursue your own goal. Mind in you delves,
Ah…
Is the searching spirit through all dark selves,
Towards day: in this depth lies our measure.
We are always chomping at the spiritual bit and looking for leaders yes. Can I be your follower? I won’t eat much and I will iron your saffron robes.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-28 08:30:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Mark Andrew-
An utterance only a poet could craft.
No one else could string thought from such depths
to censure those on such tenuous heights.
The Black Jack
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