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This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-06-01 01:58:06 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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japanese verse 50 (Swallows)

Periwinkle sky As winged-surfers glide and dive To the waves of clouds

This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-07-03 11:28:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.04545
So far I’ve read “Belt”, “Zephyr”, and now “Swallow”. I really liked “Belt” and “Zephyr”. I saw “Swallow” on my list and I smiled. I couldn’t wait to see what this little gem would be like. I am tempted to skip ahead and read all your Japanese verse, but I like looking forward to them. I’m not sure how to critique or review each one, as I am not versed on the form. I can tell you how each one made me feel. “Belt” made me giggle and think of the Movie “Karate Kid”. “Belt” was the first one I read and I wanted to say that I liked it, but I didn’t want to leave such a short comment. “Zephyr” I thought was brilliant. It captured the awe I feel every time I see a little ‘dirt devil’ racing across the road, kicking up dirt and debris with it’s little funnel. “Swallow,” It’s just magnificent. I am jealous of bird’s ability to play in the clouds. Have you seen the movie the “Birds”? It was scary, but it added another element, perhaps even a greater respect for them then I had before I saw that movie. I love these poems. They are treats. They’re like chocolate to me. A little piece is precious, but it leaves me craving more because it was so good. I don’t want to gorge myself, though, because that would remove the treat aspect. If you have a moment, some time when you aren't busy, could you drop me an email (eyra@sbcglobal.net) about how to do Japanese verse, please? Thank you and I can’t wait to read more of your work, but I’m going to make myself wait. Kay-Ren

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-07-02 11:52:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
Erzahl, I love periwinkle sky and winged-surfers these are great images I can see this poem happening in front of me. I would think about tightening up that last line by omiting to the and just going with waves of clouds it is a tighter line and a better epiphany but that is just my opinion the poem is great. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-23 20:39:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Well done, Erzahl. I see the reflections of the clouds that these sea birds pierce for their food. Sounds like a really beautiful day at the seashore. Nice color, action in your usual and excellent form for the haiku. Season and nature can be seen in this quite nicely. Best wishes for peace and happiness. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-06-16 19:06:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Erzahl: I don't know how it is possible, but you develop this form and add something to the body of haiku literature with each submission. The images given here expand, "glide and dive" like the swallows in the periwinkle sky. Your poem seems as perfectly created as if nothing else could possibly be needed. I love the compactness of this form and the way you use each syllable to give added depth. Periwinkle sky As winged-surfers glide and dive To the waves of clouds Perfect! It's difficult to find words to add to the sublime ones you have already given to us here. As swallows continue their heavenly dance, your poem is like a glimpse of Heaven. You've carved out a moment of peacefulness for a busy world's solace. Many thanks for this, once more. All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-06-09 11:46:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
ee- To? Through? te

This Poem was Critiqued By: Gerard A Geiger On Date: 2004-06-02 17:54:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Dear Erzahl; Wonderful Haiku! Love Periwinkle sky also winged surfers and waves of clouds... Beautiful Artistry....just wonderful... Thank you for sharing this fine work. Gerard

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-06-01 17:52:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Wow. Those w's look like a flocks of birds! I like the w/assonance od periwinkle/winged..]and the multi-level meaning of "waves of cloud. "Waves of clouds" is also spectacular because if is so suggestive of the expression "waves of crowds" Very rich writing, Ezrahl Periwinkle sky As winged-surfers glide and dive To the waves of clouds

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-06-01 03:34:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Erzahl, This is the first the first delicious meal in June. And I am the first one to devour this greedily! Hehe! Periwinkle sky As winged-surfers glide and dive To the waves of clouds Ah, you are viewing the sky in the perspective of the sea! What a new talent to show! "Periwinkle" is a new word. Fitting it right, this is used as adjective to say the same as "pale purplish blue" and on the other hand it is also apt to describe the scene as the word itself speaks about "marine" thing. "winged-surfers"? Nice representation of the swallow. And finally the phrase "waves of clouds" is fitting to view it in the image of the sea. Erzahl, made it again! Jordan

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