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This Poem was Submitted By: Molly Johnson On Date: 2004-06-27 00:01:46 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Tending Tending

My body is a raspberry field caned over for winter. The nude branches, bound in sweeping loops, wait to spring up with the tension of new leaves and fruit. His body is the moon spreading silver shifts of ocean light. A breeze gently shakes then lifts the quiet air.

Additional Notes:
Struggling with title... All suggestions welcome. M.

This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-07-05 16:27:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Molly, How about, "Before the Buds Burst Forth"? Nice job with the mood and tension here. Your poem speaks true to both the wonder of life just before it is born and the process and joy of lovemaking. Nice contrasts! Well done. Warm regards, Don

This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-07-03 12:35:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.04545
I really liked this poem. I loved the imagery and the erotic feel of it. I felt that at any moment passion would overrun the both of you and my computer screen would fog up. I agree that the title doesn’t do it justice. The title is too structured and doesn’t hint at the tornado waiting to be unleashed. I felt a breathless basking, savoring anticipation, and pleasant torture. These feelings coupled with the organic images made this poem about and for savoring. For a title, how about: Natural Tendencies It Is Natural Natural Savor Nature’s Couple I hope these help. Thank you for sharing this poem. Kay-Ren

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-07-01 21:07:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.46667
How about "Why a Chain Saw Would Ruin It."

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-06-29 13:00:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Molly–Welcome! I think this is my first time reviewing your work. I so enjoyed this metaphoric piece. It reads quite poetic and sensuous. The speaker has used fresh nonliteral verbiage/approach to create vivid imagery of two lovers engaging in (or about to) the “art “ of lovemaking. And because you asked in your notes: “Invitation” would/could fit your poem nicely as a title (only a suggestion). Sorry if I've misstated the intentions for your excellent effort. Keep writing. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-27 18:44:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Meeting Him?? Senuality abounds, at least in my honest opinion, in this piece. The metaphorical comparisons are superb, Molly. The b, d, and s alliterations in S1 together with the assonance of "nude", "loops" and "fruit" are very dramatic and appealing to me. Then again, in S2 you have the d and s allits, and the short i assonance. The imagery is great, as well. The reader is rewarded at the end, too, with that powerful, yet soft, shift of the "breeze" shaking and lifting the air surrounding this scene. Beautiful. I would see nothing to offer, except the possible title. That - very quickly, so ?? Best. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-06-27 15:25:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Molly: I am caught up in this poem, basking in its berried-, lunar metaphors. The breeze that stirs seems a strong note of hopefulness, in a rather barren landscape which seems laden with potential. The poem is very potent with "tension of new leaves" and with exquisitely lovely word-music, in "nude/loops/new/fruit/moon" for example. My body is a raspberry field caned over for winter. The nude branches, bound in sweeping loops, wait to spring up with the tension of new leaves and fruit. The suggestion of barreness is subtle - "caned over for winter" implies that spring will come, and it does, with a double-meaning for "wait to spring" as the canes will "spring up" with the "new leaves and fruit" in the season of spring. Very economical word choices -- so much being said (implied) with few words. Sublimely fine-tuned assonance in "sweeping/leaves/breeze" and "loops/moon." His body is the moon spreading silver shifts of ocean light. Unusual pairing of a male body as the moon, traditionally associated with feminine qualities--fresh! I love the floating imagery of "shifts of ocean light" -- as light as -- the "unbearable lightness of being" and a favorite book title, "Color is the suffering of light." Then, the potential for change, for all that has been implied up to this point in the poem seems to contain the power of a single tachyon about to become a universe. A breeze gently shakes then lifts the quiet air. In Arabic and Hebrew, the word for wind also signifies death and spirit. It can vary from this gentle breeze above to a violent hurricane. A subtle or dramatic shift. This poem seems to carry a very personal message, like a whisper. A hope about to be born? As a poem, it leaves me yearning for more. As a reader I can sense my own unspoken, almost too-fragile-to-withstand-words longings. This poem is like a soulful sigh, a flicker of first-light. Luminous writing, once more! Brava, my soulful friend. All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-06-27 10:12:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
My body is a raspberry field caned over for winter. [prefect pears of words wrapped lovingly in paper] [-The][N]ude branches, bound in sweeping loops, waiti to spring [amazing enjabment!} up with the tension of new leaves and fruit. His body is the moon spreading silver shifts of ocean light. [ahh..lovely] A breeze gently shakes then lifts the quiet air. wonderful ending to a superlative and delicious piece Title - I am half asleep, but this poem makes me hum Strawbetty Fields Forever and you don't want to call it anything like "nothng to get hungabout" but if I think of one I will email you.

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