Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-07-21 22:11:35 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

japanese verse 54 (Hammerhead Shark)

Marine carpenter Swiftly swims to school of fish Fixing its belly

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-07-26 10:57:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Neat Erzahl, what more in a haiku could anyone ask for. Marine carpenter, love this descriptive, identifies the fish, swims to school of fish, the feeding if you will, nicely upholds the identy. Fixing its (his? belly. Just an option of use, keeps it within the personsality. Three lines that more then are descriptive, all three lines pivotial to the haiku, keep it right and strong, and lots of fun to read and chuckle at. That someone could string these descriptives so well, bringing home the intent of the haiku. Never cease to please, you have an inborn way of writing haiku, which is the first type of peopty I was even inclined to buy a book on. The count is great, and the analogy is beautifully applied, again well done. Best regards, Jo Morgan (love the brevity and sparcity of wording, brilliant)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-07-25 19:22:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Erzahl: What a fresh original take on what I hadn't thought of as a subject for poetry! And it made me smile. We don't often think of the humor of the names for things - and your 'pun' within this poem is absolutely delightful. The shark is doing what the Creator intended for him to do - "fixing" the "school of fish" - what word play! I don't know if anyone will comment on a missing 'article' in the middle line - which would throw off your syllable count for certain. It 'feels' missing, i.e., "a school of fish" is what is expected, but it is the unexpected and surprising in poetry which makes it work. I feel that this haiku works perfectly and wouldn't suggest a change. I love the sound and the humor of "fixing its belly" as the shark "fixes" his need for food and alters the shape of the school of fish at the same moment. Delightfully done, once more! All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lynda G Smith On Date: 2004-07-23 20:30:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Erzahl, Once again, you have hit the nail on the head*grin* Form and metre are spot on. I love the progress in this haiku. The subject/object of our attention, the marine carpenter, the hammerhead shark. The reason, the action, and its' descriptors, how he swims swiftly towards his feast, and finally the raison d'etre... to fix or fill its belly. There could also be a metaphore in that fixing as a directional compass would fix the direction of attraction. However you meant it, I thoroughly enjoyed the feast! While I was on a cruise in the Caribbean this past winter, I was blessed with an overhead view of one of these magnificent creatures. He must have been full, for his pace was leisurely as the cruise ship changed his path and direction. He did not seem to mind, simply accepted the ship as winner of that particular sparring match and swayed away at right angles to us, just below the surface of the water. Your poem took me back and reminded me of the simple graceful strength of that magnificent creature. A carpenter's work has always heralded respect. it is an honest avocation whether on land or sea. And a good carpenter does not waste time. He knows how to harvest his materials and use them in the most economical of ways. To be swift, to be accurate, to honour the purpose of his existence, to be, his goal, to cull the oceans in total efficiency. This haiku culls the words and metre of possibility in sureness and simplicity, the efficiency reflecting off the character of the one who gave it seed. Thank you for sharing this wonderful genesis of thought. Lynda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-07-22 15:17:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Erzahl; This haiku got me immediately...Marine carpenter...very ingenious! Then to think of fixing something...a belly in need of fish, you are so creative and imaginative. I always love your work and this one is no exception. Yet, with the creativity you have shown here, it appears that the best is yet to come from you....thanks for making me smile with great imagery in a simple poem. Mick

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-07-22 11:41:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41667
Good morning my friend...it has been awhile but I stopped by and this one has brought a smile to my face as the vision of the Marine carpenter fixes its belly and it swiftly swins to school of fish who probably won't stand a chance.......nicely stated, nicely done, true to form as always......the title is so befitting too. Thanks for posting and sharing, be safe my friend, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-07-22 10:14:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Erzahl--You've captured the entire essence of this fierce ocean predator/creature in one fell swoop (or 17 syllables).This is why TPLers refer to you as the Japanese Verse Master! It is so humorous and present awesome imagery. Well thoughtout with a great set of allits-smile. Are there any questions you've not answered? When the neophytes get too close you step it up a notch. Bravo! Bravo! TLW

Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!