This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-09-22 16:12:24 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Earth Smiled

There was a savage and scorching wind that burst across the land.  The prairies ever parched with ire and radiant waters were sucked dry.  The unstarred heavens grew somber as the earth mourned, Ishtar wept and summoned Indra to drop healing rain and sate her cup. Thor spoke with a lashing tongue and teased the earth with a flippant promise of benevolent streaming tears. The potent mountains shouted and shook the wetless riverbeds with all the sinews of hell. God looked down and saw His creation guarreling as naughty children.  He smiled and with a brush of His hand lit the sun, calmed the vociferous wind and opened the cloud spigots. It was the He saw the earth smile

Copyright © September 2004 marilyn terwilleger

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-10-05 19:16:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn: This will be brief; when I have a few minutes I can sit up, I try to do a critique every day but I did not meet my goal in September. This contest and voting has me flummoxed. There are poems at the BOTTOM better than those at the top, mine included. There is no rhyme nor reason and BJ and JoUp are going to win which troubles me not. It is the ignoring of others that I do not understand. Anyway, no matter how hard I try, even when I was well, I have no voting power. Enuf of this grousing in lieu of a review. I like the personification of earth in your title and the fact she is smiling. In the first few stanzas, I really wondered why she was smiling when she was arid and dry as the Sahara. The mixing of gods and godesses from Hindu, Babylonian, and Norse was confounding and I suppose "He" is the Christian God. Then I began thinking of it as a "United Nation of Gods" just as our UN is supposed to be comprised of all nations, etc. In that context, and I don't know but am surmising, it works very well. You have enuf imagination for five people! Don't ever tell me you are blocked...not with this poem on the back burner! And for the first time (of what I've seen), your enjambment from S1 to S2, and S4 to S5, is delightful. Again, that imagination of yours! You also seem to be more risk taking than at prior times. Then you take us to gods and godesses spitting and spatting, mountains shaking, "Creation quarreling as naughty children." That is a great simile for nothing irritates me quite so much as noisy kids. I think I would smile also if someone quenched my thirst, opened spigots in clouds for me, (quite clever) and calmed the wind. (I absolutely hate high winds). In the last line, you set it apart for emphasis but I suggest inserting a WHO after He. That is the sole thing I suggest for change which is very minor. Marilyn, there's not much I can help here as your poem has been as polished as an apple for the teacher. Kudos for the accomplished example of your writing. (I'm getting very tired so I will return to bed). Best wishes for you and your poem, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2004-10-02 22:28:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, This is a very good poem. You do a wonderful job of bringing poetic elegance to nature in these stylish three lined stanzas. A story from the heavens unfolds with your words and images. I feel as though you took your time with this poem, or you set such an awesome and adequate tone with your words that the words do seem to slowly roll out of your mouth and down to the end of the poem. You probably already noticed the discrepancy with the last line, probably a typo. Please let me know how the last line should be read. Again, I enjoyed the poem. It's filled with wonder and powerful description that we often see in nature (without such a beautiful story to behold it). This is a clever one, and your poetic abilities really shine in every line. Thanks for sharing it at TPL, and I look forward to reading more. Latorial
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-09-23 12:39:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn: Lovely! Witty yet reverent encomium to the One who made the stars. The panoply of ancient gods and goddesses seem 'witless'. I love your wordplay of "wetless riverbeds" almost suggesting that these early figures of myth were 'witless witnesses' of an empty stage. Something very Shakespearian about poor Thor (Zeus) with "lashing tongue", then merely "teasing" the earth. There was a savage and scorching wind that burst --wonderful allits here across the land. The prairies ever parched --and here with ire and radiant waters were sucked --great enjambment adds energy dry. The "unstarred heavens" grew somber --surprising, delightful "before" and "after" reality show! as the earth mourned, Ishtar wept and summoned Indra to drop healing rain and sate her cup. Thor spoke with a lashing tongue and teased the earth with a flippant promise of benevolent streaming tears.--contrast of "lashing/teased/streaming tears" makes Thor comedic The potent "mountains shouted and shook "the Reference to 'shout' elicits "Listen for the Shout" for this reader. Love the double 'sh' sounds in L1 of S3 and 4 and the repeated "ch" in L1 and 2 of S1. "wetless riverbeds" with all the sinews of hell.--original, great descriptor God looked down and saw His creation (quarreling) as naughty children. He smiled and with a brush of His hand lit the sun, calmed the "vociferous wind" and opened the cloud spigots. In Arabic and Hebrew the word for wind also signifies breath and spirit. In many Native American traditions it is believed that the wind carries messages from the realm of spirit. Each directional wind, for example, carries its own meaning. In this poem, the "scorching" and "vociferous wind" seems to be carrying messages of things out of order, in chaos, giving voice to protest and outrage. All is in disarray until the Creator acts upon His creation. It was (then) He saw the earth smile My head wants a period at the end of your final line, but I suspect you left it off for a reason. It was all 'child's play' before God took the helm, you show us, and the earth responded by mirroring the Creator's smile. Before that, the earth mourned. Something was lost or had been lost and God saw creation was "quarreling" as "naughty children." I love the metaphor of "His hand lit the sun" because it alludes, at least to this reader, to the sun/Son. Kudos, once more. Your muse has visited and you offer inspiration with this poem. Very enjoyable and thought-provoking work. My best to you, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-09-23 12:11:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94444
Marilyn–This free verse has some of everything: myths, satire, humor, personification, hail, fire and brimstone-smile. An interesting allegoric/metaphoric read which in, IMO, portrays a wonder- ful intriguing version of “The Creation.” Your excellent descriptive verbiage create vivid imagery which is quite imaginative and entertaining. I do have minor "nit picks" which do not affect the theme/tone/delivery:in line #12, an "s" on creation and it should be "then" vesres "the" in the lastline. This piece has the earmarks of a classic story. Sorry if I’ve misunderstood the intentions of your post, but I did enjoy the read. Thanks for sharing this unique post. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-09-22 17:37:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25490
And the gods frolicked supremely, in the knowledge of being ultimate, till God decided otherwise- Thanks for leting me read and comment, I enjoyed both.
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