This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-09-22 16:12:24 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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The Earth Smiled There was a savage and scorching wind that burst
across the land. The prairies ever parched
with ire and radiant waters were sucked
dry. The unstarred heavens grew somber
as the earth mourned, Ishtar wept and summoned
Indra to drop healing rain and sate her cup.
Thor spoke with a lashing tongue
and teased the earth with a flippant
promise of benevolent streaming tears.
The potent mountains shouted and shook the
wetless riverbeds with all the sinews of hell.
God looked down and saw His creation guarreling
as naughty children. He smiled and with
a brush of His hand lit the sun, calmed the
vociferous wind and opened the cloud spigots.
It was the He saw the earth smile |
|
Copyright © September 2004 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-10-05 19:16:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn:
This will be brief; when I have a few minutes I can sit up,
I try to do a critique every day but I did not meet my goal
in September.
This contest and voting has me flummoxed. There are poems at
the BOTTOM better than those at the top, mine included.
There is no rhyme nor reason and BJ and JoUp are going to win
which troubles me not. It is the ignoring of others that I
do not understand.
Anyway, no matter how hard I try, even when I was well, I have
no voting power. Enuf of this grousing in lieu of a review.
I like the personification of earth in your title and the fact
she is smiling. In the first few stanzas, I really wondered why
she was smiling when she was arid and dry as the Sahara.
The mixing of gods and godesses from Hindu, Babylonian, and Norse
was confounding and I suppose "He" is the Christian God. Then I
began thinking of it as a "United Nation of Gods" just as our UN
is supposed to be comprised of all nations, etc. In that context,
and I don't know but am surmising, it works very well.
You have enuf imagination for five people! Don't ever tell me you are blocked...not with this poem on the back burner! And for the
first time (of what I've seen), your enjambment from S1 to S2, and
S4 to S5, is delightful. Again, that imagination of yours! You also
seem to be more risk taking than at prior times.
Then you take us to gods and godesses spitting and spatting, mountains
shaking, "Creation quarreling as naughty children." That is a great
simile for nothing irritates me quite so much as noisy kids.
I think I would smile also if someone quenched my thirst, opened
spigots in clouds for me, (quite clever) and calmed the wind.
(I absolutely hate high winds).
In the last line, you set it apart for emphasis but I suggest inserting a WHO
after He. That is the sole thing I suggest for change which is very minor.
Marilyn, there's not much I can help here as your poem has been as polished as
an apple for the teacher. Kudos for the accomplished example of your writing.
(I'm getting very tired so I will return to bed).
Best wishes for you and your poem,
Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2004-10-02 22:28:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
This is a very good poem. You do a wonderful job of bringing poetic elegance to nature in these stylish three lined stanzas. A story from the heavens unfolds with your words and images.
I feel as though you took your time with this poem, or you set such an awesome and adequate tone with your words that the words do seem to slowly roll out of your mouth and down to the end of the poem.
You probably already noticed the discrepancy with the last line, probably a typo. Please let me know how the last line should be read.
Again, I enjoyed the poem. It's filled with wonder and powerful description that we often see in nature (without such a beautiful story to behold it). This is a clever one, and your poetic abilities really shine in every line.
Thanks for sharing it at TPL, and I look forward to reading more.
Latorial
www.latorial.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-09-23 12:39:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Marilyn:
Lovely! Witty yet reverent encomium to the One who made the stars. The panoply of
ancient gods and goddesses seem 'witless'. I love your wordplay of "wetless
riverbeds" almost suggesting that these early figures of myth were 'witless
witnesses' of an empty stage. Something very Shakespearian about poor Thor (Zeus)
with "lashing tongue", then merely "teasing" the earth.
There was a savage and scorching wind that burst --wonderful allits here
across the land. The prairies ever parched --and here
with ire and radiant waters were sucked --great enjambment adds energy
dry. The "unstarred heavens" grew somber --surprising, delightful "before" and "after" reality show!
as the earth mourned, Ishtar wept and summoned
Indra to drop healing rain and sate her cup.
Thor spoke with a lashing tongue
and teased the earth with a flippant
promise of benevolent streaming tears.--contrast of "lashing/teased/streaming tears" makes Thor comedic
The potent "mountains shouted and shook "the
Reference to 'shout' elicits "Listen for the Shout" for this reader. Love the double 'sh' sounds
in L1 of S3 and 4 and the repeated "ch" in L1 and 2 of S1.
"wetless riverbeds" with all the sinews of hell.--original, great descriptor
God looked down and saw His creation (quarreling)
as naughty children. He smiled and with
a brush of His hand lit the sun, calmed the
"vociferous wind" and opened the cloud spigots.
In Arabic and Hebrew the word for wind also signifies breath and spirit. In many
Native American traditions it is believed that the wind carries messages from
the realm of spirit. Each directional wind, for example, carries its own meaning.
In this poem, the "scorching" and "vociferous wind" seems to be carrying messages
of things out of order, in chaos, giving voice to protest and outrage. All is
in disarray until the Creator acts upon His creation.
It was (then) He saw the earth smile
My head wants a period at the end of your final line, but I suspect you left it
off for a reason. It was all 'child's play' before God took the helm, you show
us, and the earth responded by mirroring the Creator's smile. Before that, the
earth mourned. Something was lost or had been lost and God saw creation was
"quarreling" as "naughty children." I love the metaphor of "His hand lit the sun"
because it alludes, at least to this reader, to the sun/Son.
Kudos, once more. Your muse has visited and you offer inspiration with this
poem. Very enjoyable and thought-provoking work.
My best to you,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-09-23 12:11:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94444
Marilyn–This free verse has some of everything: myths, satire, humor,
personification, hail, fire and brimstone-smile.
An interesting allegoric/metaphoric read which in, IMO, portrays a wonder-
ful intriguing version of “The Creation.” Your excellent descriptive
verbiage create vivid imagery which is quite imaginative and entertaining.
I do have minor "nit picks" which do not affect the theme/tone/delivery:in
line #12, an "s" on creation and it should be "then" vesres "the" in the
lastline.
This piece has the earmarks of a classic story. Sorry if I’ve misunderstood
the intentions of your post, but I did enjoy the read. Thanks for sharing
this unique post. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-09-22 17:37:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25490
And the gods frolicked supremely, in the knowledge of being ultimate, till God decided otherwise- Thanks for leting me read and comment, I enjoyed both.
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