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This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2005-10-12 11:03:19 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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"die hart siyabona" (The Heart We See)

~ Deep passion, borne of sultry sun Mottled thought, sky's hue encrimson exposing Obatala's art How like African skies, her heart Cadenced, falls Serengeti rain tribal rhythms pulse soul's refrain as gales of empathy embark How like African skies, her heart Canopied by her radiance a genesis in confluence of untold splendor, words compart How like African skies, her heart Deep passion, borne of sultry sun How like African skies, her heart ~

Additional Notes:
The form - "Kyrielle Sonnet" "die hart siyabona" is Afrikkans for "The Heart We See" I wrote this for a poet friend of mine, who is also a social worker in South Africa. She helps teach tribal children there, as well. A beautiful person, who I hope to meet face to face some day.

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-11-04 13:12:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.67857
Generally speaking I do not like this kind of repetition; however you worked it in just fine. I like the Afrikkans title...it''s different here on the Link. Good choice.You speak of passion, colours, and warmth for the people. I hope you get to meet with your friend real soon.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-10-23 13:05:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Mary, in this piece you have captured much of the resilience and need of South Africa. It is a place that has come a long ways, yet still has a ways to go. When I first saw this piece- immediately sprang to my mind 2 songs by the Resurrection Band (ZUID AFRIKAN, and AFRICAAN) (For Reference: Albums “Between Heaven and Hell” and “Rainbows End”). From long ago the struggles there have captured a place for me. Also, you brought to mind the work that Peter Gabriel has done, in bringing the “sessions” of that culture to us all. “Deep passion”, - I feel throughout this piece precisely that. I think having a liaison within South Africa has been good to this piece, and the “African skies”. A line that stands out is “canopied by her radiance”- it transmits an enormous truth of the two she-s, your worker and the country. Lastly on this, I believe you granted hope and withheld finality in your line “a genesis in confluence”, for South Africa is certainly a melding of many cultures, with the result still in its youth. Excellent piece, and the Kyrielle worked well. Most don’t attempt them.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-10-14 13:48:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary: I love this poem, though it has taken me longer to find time to settle down to critique it. I have read and reread it, and benefited from the knowledge of such a one as the owner of ‘her heart’ which comes through musically in the poem, and of your devotion to the craft. I’m not familiar with this form, but am always interested in exposure to new forms. Your title is especially appealing for the sounds it makes and for its import. I believe I heard it in the trees this morning; the pulse of the forest sang it. The implication is that there is even more here, or in individuals than the “heart we see.” This idea is uplifting and gives me energy. Your first line sweeps me into the poem, with plosives and sibilants, and luxuriant ‘u’ sounds. Stanley Kunitz has said, “First the sounds” and I feel that your poem obeys this maxim of writing. Assonance of “mottled thought”, the word “encrimson” and “Oblata’s art” have taken me captive. I’ve read this so many times! The firs two lines of the second stanza “Cadenced, falls Serengeti rain tribal rhythms pulse soul's refrain” It’s ironic that you reference “cadenced” and the cadence of these lines is perfection. The comma’s caesura after “Cadenced” preceding “falls” gives a fermata or silent beat just as the falls pick up energy and hesitate before releasing their force. This makes of the poem a living thing, IMO! And then, as gales of empathy embark How like African skies, her heart you employ the hard ‘c’ sound within “embark/African/skies” to further enhance the sense of a heartbeat, or the pause between them. Once again, this poem has a life of its own. Canopied by her radiance a genesis in confluence of untold splendor, words compart --the ‘or’ and ‘ar’ sounds are exquisite How like African skies, her heart This Kyrielle sonnet in your hands is full of splendor, told. Thank you for this offering, which does much to raise my hopes that this website may yet be a showcase for the best in contemporary poetry. This goes on my winner's list immediately. My best always, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2005-10-13 20:34:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 5.00000
Very fine cadence to this thoughtfully rendered piece. The author does justice to Africa, her friend, and our languages. tew

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-10-12 19:28:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary, Once more you honor us with such a well structure singing as it flows writing. The verbiage creates images of someone with immense selflessness, one who gives without expectation, one who sees beauty in all around her and who is willing to give what there is of herself to others. She is most fortunate to have a friend such as you and you-her. Within your words I find hope for our fellow earth dwellers for surely if there is one such as her, there is hope and if there is one such as you, it will be treasured. Thank you for sharing this most intimate and personal homage to a friend. I so like your line "How like African skies, her heart" and it's placement throughout this offering. Kudos! As Always, Lora

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