This Poem was Submitted By: Michael Bird On Date: 2009-02-13 22:36:50 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Into The Sun the path is long and wide
paved with despair and loneliness
walking towards the sun
I can see lonely lovers dreams
the sounds of forgotten lovers tears
blinds me with every step,every breath I take
there is no return ,no exit
from this desolate and lonely path
towards the sun I must run
searching for nature`s child
a tender creature cloaked in passion
shining as the brightest morning sun
-a setting sun you`ve never seen
I sometimes walk this path
while rainclouds hide the moon
its here I`ll stay in my world of loneliness
I stop and stare
into the sun I must run
I think I`m moving
I know not where
down this wretched path
I`m running but I don't care
the world is changing
before my eyes
no shadows to hide in
while running
straight towards the sun
the sun is calling,reaching
beckoning me
how we lost each other
the more I know
the less is understood
my thoughts are scattered
like many winds
tired and sleepy
I walk this path alone
shadows are lurking
chasing me about
forward now
no looking back
into the sun
I must run
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Copyright © February 2009 Michael Bird
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rene L Bennett On Date: 2009-02-19 08:11:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Michael,
I feel like this often. You have penned my thoughts. Well done. I love the imagery, rain clouds hiding the moon yet, the sun always blinds you and shines. Maybe the sun is telling you that you're not alone? I did enjoy reading your thoughts..
Always,
Rene'
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2009-02-19 00:16:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Michael,
I've come to expect a strong display of raw emotion in your poems, which is vital to the art of poetry writing. You have a natural sense of emotion and expressing it - an important friend in your poetic journey. You might want to tone down the jagged structure and tithgten the piece by focussing more on meter, beats, etc. This would help the flow and give your emotion strength. You may also want to say this in fewer verses...the impact will be greater and you will leave some of the feeling and thinking to the reader...sort of self=discovery. Once you sort out meter, you can begin searching for a more unique way in which to convey images.
It is great to see you posting more often and I certainly hope you stick around to treat us with the emotional charge of your poems.
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-02-14 09:39:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Mr. Bird, imagery is the redemption for poems of forlorn love. You have a couple of similes and use an ages-
old euphemism (the sun) for this six verse poem and that's about it. And, unlike as with Poe's, Annabel Lee, you give us nothing tragic about this drolling whine which elevates it any higher than a drolling whine,
something one might take to a bar to get over, not "immortalize" in print.
Now, we had sometime ago, a certain lady that gave us such a shopping list of woe and that was bad enough,
but you are a man, pardon my gender bias. You can get over this, it's unseemly to be advertising it and you could probably do better with your romantic attentions...you can certainly with your poetic endeavors.
But if you do persist in this vein, put more emphasis on the object of your loss and far less on yourself,
the difference between whining and opining.
JCH
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