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|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by Duane J Jackson||Critique Date|
|Derelict Without an Island||James C. Horak||Hi James, I can sense a 'longing' here, for time wake-up from stagnation and for man to overcome his armor of selfish seclusion and connect with his fellow-beings. After all, if this is so difficult within Earth, how do we project ourselves in the world of the Universe. How will we be viewed? As self-haters? Self-destructionists? I believe that your poem addresses larger questions beyond the self so I'm not interpreting this as a lonely walk along the beach. Do keep in touch more often. Duane.||2011-05-01 18:30:48|
|Morning With "Christ" In Life||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, A poem that reveals your firm belief in God's ability to move mountains and shield his people. I particularly liked the last two verses primarily because they seemed to be more structured with some sharper imagery and verbiage. They also seemed to have a flow of their own but I'm sure you had a reason for this :-) God Bless, Duane.||2011-04-28 01:05:57|
|I’ve got a heart||David Keesey||Hi David, I like the energy in this. I am given to feel that you are passionate about your heart and appreciate its place in making you human. Hearts can make or break people but you appreciate the balance and that's a good thing. They balance us, more often than not. Thanks for sharing this. Duane.||2011-03-26 00:30:29|
|A Seed is Just A Seed Planted in Time||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, This is quite a deep piece. It's tone reminds me of some of your earlier 'charged-up' writing. That's certainly good to see. I also note that you've used rhyme to give the piece a metered beat and thump..it enhances the drive in drilling your point home. There are a number of angles within which this piece could be interpreted. The first to come to my mind is the healing of a child as she comes to term with the 'tougher' relaities of her life, that of growing up under difficult circumstances and at the root of it all, tracing her birth-line to the absent father-figure, who was none other than the invisible sperm donor. Your use of 'nature' in this piece is perhaps an attempt to highlight the natural instinct of 'moving on'. I like the play on 'leaves' in verse 1. I'm forever a fan of clip and chop, but I did not feel that it requires any further trimming. I definitely enjoyed this. Take care, Duane.||2011-03-07 22:52:22|
|BONES||David Keesey||HI David, Welcome to TPL....we are delighted to have you with us !! Some dark and stark imagery flows through this piece. Flesh and bone whets the appetite for the macabre. I especially like the 'silver threads' and their allusion to the tissue. The sense of shuddering, rattling, rippling creates a feeling of the chill of aniticipation. 'He plays his game' might call for more specification. There is a dire need for rhyme to lift itself up from the shadows of poetry and thrive once more. I can tell that you are one of its torch bearers. While I always prefer and recommend a more subtle usage of rhyme, your scheme did not seem too forced thanks to the depth of the image and abstraction. I look forward to reading more.. Duane.||2011-01-27 23:10:12|
|Wild Wild Sex||Michael Bird||Hi Michael, I respect the honesty in this piece and your feelings from indulging in the act of lovemaking remains intact in the poem - a very important aspect in poetry writing lest the piece seem fabricated and devoid of sincerity. As a suggestion and in an attempt to be constructive, I would recommend revising this by asking yourself how you can make it sound fresh, unique and perhaps a little more elegant with a softer sense of sensuality. I like some of your other pieces better. Just being honest. I missed the poetry in this. Duane.||2011-01-05 00:05:29|
|Broken Pallet||cheyenne smyth||Hi Cheyenne, I can see how the blast of color in the opening verse fades into the darkness of the ones that follow to keep your theme intact. You write of a 'sour' poet who cannot shine because of his outlook. That is interesting and well carried through your piece. Is this general or a personal account of a mentor who might have let you down? Just wondering. Nice to read you again, after a long lapse. Take care, Duane.||2010-12-26 21:52:26|
|Perfect Light||Lora Silvey||Hi Lora, Thanks for posting something to bring some cheer and joy in line with the season. This offering magnifies the season but in a spiritual way (as it should be) bearing no mention of the commercialism that has overcome it. I apologise for the brief critique offered on the last poem I critiqued of yours, being pressed for time. I hope all is well. Duane.||2010-12-14 17:33:49|
|Shadows of Memories||Michael Bird||Hi Michael, Always the die-hard romantic and poetry is lucky to have one like you around as it veers of the road towards politics, sci-fi, fantasy, the gothic, etc. The potential for power in your work rests in the line - 'memories are the shadows of ink'. This line single-handedly evokes an image that is strong and unique and in many ways overshadows your other lines. While the spirit of the piece should be left intact, I recommend that you make the image of the shadows and build your piece around it, keeping freshness as your goal. That would make you stand out. I hope this helps. I'm glad I had the chance to read this. Duane.||2010-12-12 19:52:52|
|Masters of Fate||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, Good to see a post from you this December. Once again, there is a lot of passion in your writing. You keep your emotions raw and that's why they always come across as sincere. I feel you made a great start here and I was hoping the piece would end at 'bleed no more' so as to fence in maximum punch. Lrt me know what you think. There is a great message here nonetheless and I'm glad I read this. Hope all is well. Will talk soon. Duane.||2010-12-06 23:41:27|
|Midnight Lace||Lora Silvey||Hi Lora, Wanted to pop in before the month ran out and tell you that I enjoyed reading this. Some nice imagery and thought went into this. Good to see you active again :-) Take care, Duane.||2010-11-07 07:25:54|
|Serenity||cheyenne smyth||Hi Cheyenne - A very nice piece that appreiates the wonders of nature. I liked your mentioining 'twilight'. Ths time of day has magnetised me as well. I'm not sure of the second verse is required at all as verse 1 flows seamlessly into verse 3 (which was my favorite). Duane.||2010-10-23 15:43:48|
|Passing Through||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, I have to say...that you've done it again...this was tight and chiselled and though it was concise, the flow of this allowed all these amazing questions about the soul to seep in. Very well done! I liked the soft rhyme and the juxtaposed worlds of heaven, earth and hell and it all seems to come full circle. Apart from the poem, the additional notes distracted me. Your poem did the job well and I felt that there was nothing more that needed to be stated. I undertsand that this was probably a way of you wanting the reader to give your words a thought much after they exited the portals of tpl, but craft-wise...it was a distraction to the excellent piece :-) Excellent ! Duane.||2010-10-23 14:58:05|
|Abandoned||James C. Horak||Hi James, It is so good to see a post from you after a very long time. I take it that you've been very busy. I liked this poem of 'abandonment' and it speaks on many levels. Back here in India, there isn't a day that goes by when a newly born baby suffers the fate of being discarded by its parents (as if it were from another world but mostly because it is a girl). I'm more inclined to look at this from the level of alien abandonement though I'm not sure if that's what you intended or if I've misread. I especially liked the line - 'Somehow matching minced pie/ half eaten with crumbs.' Hope all is well with you. Duane.||2010-10-17 21:57:44|
|Solace in Season||Mandie J Overocker||Hi Mandie, I liked the idea of closing with the opening couplet - it ties the piece together. I can tell that the voice used to express the emotions are strong but did feel that the piece could let off more punch if it were clipped to a more concise version. The lines 5 and 6, for example could somehow be clubbed with line 3 of verse 2. That would also help in maintaining the unque quality of each line. Duane.||2010-10-16 11:53:59|
|Futile State of Mind||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, Very, very, very nice !! The imagery is consistently vivid and strong and strikes the reader with intensity. I'm unable to pick a favorite image and that's a good thing because it speaks well of the overall strength of this piece - I see gold in the darkness, mangled corpse, yet a shade of beauty...wonderful - it makes me think. The ending had that punch that a poem of this nature needs and I'm really happy to see you keeping 'economy' of language in mind :-). Great job and one of your best. Duane.||2010-10-16 11:38:56|
|Never Level Down To Please The Pea-Brains||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, The title is certainly an attention grabber but more than the title is the porgress you have made in the area of 'form'. Clipped to the point of what is required and absent of the unnecessary, the poem is concise and quite hard-hitting. I liked the manner in which you employ rhyme as this moves the poem along with a domino effect. minds-signs-time-design-climb....a good example of rhyme that doesn't seem forced and hence presents this piece as sincere. In the third line - did you mean conjure? I enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed the title :-) Duane.||2010-10-04 00:58:59|
|Becoming One||Mandie J Overocker||Hi Mandie ! It's wonderful to see you posting again. It's been a very long time. I like your use of rhyme...it gives the poem a lot of charge and helps it forge ahead till the end. I did feel your fourth and fifth verses were the strongest because of the balance between imagery and the thought. In that respect, I do feel that you could make this a lot more concise to pack in more power. Build on the base but dont build too high :-) Thanks for another long-awaited opportunity to read your work. Duane.||2010-09-26 22:10:24|
|The "Killing" Report||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, You are certainly able to project the darker side of life in this piece and with it, give the reader so much to hope for through your closing lines. There were some very powerful lines in this poem that also ryhmed well - Damaged by demons with no purpose or plan except to bring evil to man --- the image of the demons is good as it heightens the sense of evil. No remorse or hope of changing in life the hangmen of hate are pleased with their style. For decades they’ve thrived on honing their crimes --- very very well written. Nice rhyme. The areas where you might want to begin revising are : Verse 1. I kind of got tongue tied here and could not bring it together to work for me. Repetition of the same word - night could be avoided. Verse 4. I did not think that this verse added much to the piece and as you work to make this a lot more concise, this may even be erased. I hope this is a small verse step in revising this. Take care, Duane.||2010-09-19 11:37:38|
|The Fortune Teller||cheyenne smyth||Hi Cheyenne, Some wonderful, exotic imagery in this piece. The black, red, gold and silver colors make for a nice alluring mix and the words used add a soft touch to the flow of the poem. 'They hypnotize her public night and day' was a weak line to me and you might want to strengthen it. Very nice read. Duane.||2010-08-21 23:15:52|
|Rescue Me Rescue Ranger||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, This is a very touching tribute and I'm at a loss as to whether this should be critiqued in terms of artistry. The emotion sometimes take precedence over technicalities and this poem has a lot of emotion that will at once endear itself to the reader. Having said that, I would still like to point out what has worked well here in terms of the technicalities of poetry. You have kept it crisp and focussed on form. You may consider excluding this stanza - So far...... yet still near we honor your life now and tomorrow from year to year The piece would remain as strong without it. Take care, Duane.||2010-08-21 23:09:18|
|Courting||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, I like the innovation in this - the court setting, the order of the day, the docket...It reflects a solid use of the imagination. You might want to look closer at this, technically. When writing a poem that is heavily bent on rhyme, beat and meter should be smooth. Use syllable count to even out the lines and bring more uniformity..and that will help with the flow. I hope this helps. PS - I hope all is well. Take care, Duane.||2010-08-14 21:40:43|
|Love To The Last Night||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, What I've always liked about your poetry is the ease with which you take 'life' and philosophise about it through your poems making otherwise deep and dark apects easily accessible and discernable. You do this consistently. This poem, in my opinion, is also a leap forward for here, you seem to have made it so much more compact and improved on the flow too. When a piece becomes too telly and moves on and on it loses a lot of its punch but this is concise and endearing. I like the internal rhyme employed and while I definitely wont recommend obvious rhymes such as book/look...hate/great..I dont think its as prominent here because the reader keeps moving easily from one line to the other. I really liked this and commend you for taking it a level up !! Duane.||2010-07-17 00:22:02|
|"Uniforms" Should Be Worn With Pride||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, Wonderful power flows thorugh this emotional expression. The entire piece bears the image of a clenched fist and I hope as much as you do, that this sort of expression causes a few bloody noses on the faces of 'elected' clowns. I like how you link the corruption and the politician to create a platform on which to base the injustices meted out to servicemen. I can also see how this is a very personal theme for you considering the infinite feeling of loss you have had to bear. Again, taking nothing away from the raw emotion and powerful expression of the piece, flow will be something you could look at so that the reader does not stumble along. What you might want to do is to go either with free verse or rhyme and if you are choosing rhyme then consderation for meter is important. Here, I see you have tried to keep with free while attempting to bring in rhyme. An example is line 3, which caused me to stuble and figure out where you really intended your line break.... Nevertheless, liked the emotion in this. One of your most fiery pieces till date. Take care, Duane.||2010-06-13 01:58:02|
|May Votes||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, Thank you for your support and encouragement and for holding up this site when things seem so dry. Duane.||2010-06-07 00:59:23|
|Witnessing the Sea||Kenneth R. Patton||Hi Kenneth, This is one of my favorite of yours. I liked the images and the manner in which they serve to progress your thought. Well done. Duane.||2010-06-05 23:05:13|
|Dusk||Joe P. OGrady||Hello Joe, Wonderful lyrical quality to the piece - well structured and thought out. That is why the rhyme did not feel forced and kind of rolls along with the progression of the piece. I would still look at some unique imagery to make the expression of your feelings fresher in presentation. Take care, Duane.||2010-06-05 23:01:25|
|I Blew a Kiss||Joe P. OGrady||Hi Joe, I'm happy to have the opportunity of critiquing this. You have certainly captured the emotion of longing very well in this poem. I would recommenD some fresher imagery or a more unique approach given that poems of love and longing tend to be written en masse by thousands of thousands of people !! Good job with the meter and rhyme !! Duane.||2010-05-30 22:57:48|
|No Price To Pay For Beauty||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, An awesome ending verse that packed punch. This oiece carries a very important message and you do well in taking a philosophy and giving it a home among the inherent constraints in poetry (form, meter, etc). This poem has a social consciousness to it. There can be some ironing out of flow. I was dstracted after verse 1 and 2 when the flow broke off...I'm not sure if you intended to work within a structure in terms of meter. A few spelling nits - light 'devine'...did you mean 'divine'? And 'to all that past him'...did you mean 'passed' him? Take care, Duane.||2010-05-30 22:53:32|
|Alive||cheyenne smyth||Hi Cheyenne, I rely heavily on rhyme to enhance the flow of my poetry and add a flavor of music to them. You dont, and are still able to make it soothe the reader as he/she reads through, retaining a musical quality to it as well. That's wonderful. This is one of the starker peices that I have read of yours...with a profound sense of darkness. My favorite piece of imagery was that of the tea souring in the rain. Very original. I liked this. Duane.||2010-05-21 01:06:58|
|Hidden Key||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, The poem ends well with a sense of mystery - 'For in the end it's in a hand/of the only one who/needs to know. And I like it. The poem is in very much in tune with an aspect of real life which makes it very relevant. I would attempt to freshen up some imagery - dancing to the music playing in her soul, udeserving pain tossed into the grave...... There is a strong foundation here...I'd work on making the imagery fresher... Duane.||2010-05-20 10:35:10|
|Goldfish||Dellena Rovito||Hi Dellena, I like how you compare the Goldfish with yourself. The imagery is strong. I love fish and can easily envision the circling movements of the fish and relate it to your life. Nice concept. Duane.||2010-05-20 10:24:01|
|Base camp||Mark Andrew Hislop||Hi Mark, A very effective poem that is enveloped with rich imagery and more than that a feeling of involvement. I felt part of this picture in motion. Very nice. Duane.||2010-03-05 23:33:26|
|Scream - Repost From Year - 2001||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, A piece that is profound in its relevance to a stark reality that many must endure. For sure, this must have been very tough for Josh and yourself. The sincerity in the words comes across very effectively. I like that as it is a very important ingredient in the development of our craft. Duane.||2010-03-05 23:29:42|
|Tenured||Thomas Edward Wright||Hi Tom, When I began reading this, it fell very much like prose but the true artistry behind this becomes apparent once the subtle rhyme and inner meaning begins to flower. I liked this...very original. Duane.||2010-03-05 23:25:46|
|The makers||Mark Andrew Hislop||Hi Mark, Very interesting piece - the reflection back on Adam, of an artisan. That thought in itself is much food for thought. You have maintained form very well in this piece though these lines - You made the populated world anew/and it our sole material and tool: I dont know..it didn't sit too well I guess for want of a better line. Duane.||2010-02-28 21:31:21|
|January Vote||Mark Steven Scheffer||Hi Mark, Again, very good choices... I guess I'm using this opp to respond as a way of apologising for what happened on the forum... Secondly, I agree with posting votes on the forum... Will the voting window remain 1-7th....is the first vote on the forum, the final one.. Duane.||2010-02-28 00:03:00|
|Beast Be Gone||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, An angry current flows through this and I can tell that you've let off a lot of steam in transforming difficult circumstance into words. The strength of this poem, is therefore, its emotional rawness. I would change 'spit on the earth' for a fresher image though I quite like 'push satan over a cliff'. I would like this re-written : 'piss on his haunts, He keeps us from bliss'. Take care, Duane.||2010-02-22 22:09:53|
|I Want to See Their Face Before...||James C. Horak||Hi James, This piece leaves the reader with much to introspect about. It seems your heart was bleeding when you wrote about it..the subject is a delicate one, layered in controversy. Yet, nothing can count for the taking of innocent lives and the oft repeated line - 'one man's martyr, another man's killer', is tossed in the junk. A very relevant disease plaguing human relations on a global scale and you highlight its ills and the sane world's frustrations over it, poetically. A piece with much value and of course, artistry. Very relevant. Duane.||2010-02-21 21:40:33|
|The lucky stars||Mark Andrew Hislop||Wow Mark, One of the highlights this month. An awesome read. I love its enigmatic essence, the wonderful imagery and the romance of it all. Great read. Duane.||2010-02-21 21:16:47|
|The Gloved One||Dellena Rovito||Hi Dellena, Deeper than just a pair of gloves that dont fit too well, this poem speaks on so many layers. For me, the thought emanating is that of transition and how life throws us out of our comfort zones more often than not. The repetion of 'gloves i'd worn for years' works here as a constant reminder that its all the same..but the wisdom of it all is that its us who change as masters of our circumstances Nice. Duane.||2010-02-20 21:37:18|
|My Quill||cheyenne smyth||Hi Cheyenne, Very picturesque. I like what you have going here but would suggest a look at flow and structure. Beginning with verse 2, there's one long sentence running into verse 3. I would like some breaks in between. The read became a little cumbersome in this region. I liked the back drop you gave poetry writing !! :-) Duane.||2010-02-20 20:21:20|
|Jan. vote||Dellena Rovito||Jan was a blast ! Feb is looking up too :-) Duane.||2010-02-18 20:51:50|
|Fire Gazer||Dellena Rovito||Hi Dellena,
It's good to see you continue to polish this creation. It's unfortunate that previous posts are now hidden..I would have liked to revert back to them to get a sense of how far this third revise might have/have not come...For some reason (and again, I dont have the previous post to reference if the 'assumed' new additions were present there) I'm inclined to the second revise...more compact with enough fluidity to give the reader space....Here, I find the flow a little too restricted; the gone/strong rhyme seems a little forced here ||2010-02-18 20:50:52|
|Dying Winds||cheyenne smyth||Hi Cheyenne, The anticipation of 'dying winds' speaks a of a hope that is lost. The heart seems to have resigned itself to the defeat of loss. The setting is good - the quiet night, the gathering of stars, the resonance of weeping....There is an undelying softness here, enhanced by the images. A nice poem. Duane.||2010-02-17 01:22:36|
|Life's Sentence||Thomas Edward Wright||Hi Thomas, A deep poem with a strong social undercurrent - The church, the good and the bad, indocrination.....You seem liberated in the end and thats a good thing ! The poem, to me, started out in a very prose kind of way but with the flow and the richness in imagery (which show but never tell), I was all settled in for a good poetic read. Duane.||2010-02-15 21:05:21|
|February Contest Results||James C. Horak||Hi James, Looks like there is a lot of catching up I need to do :-) Duane.||2010-02-13 21:34:34|
|Fairy Possible||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, I liked this. It has a very fantastical feel to it (my kind of setting) and you use some nice imagery and sonics - I loved the alliterative sounds in 'Winter silver's shimmering show'... I felt that the meter skipped a little in verse 4 - line 1. You might want to take a closer look at syllable counts when restructuring this. Thanks for sharing this magical moment...I see gold all around me :-) Duane.||2010-02-10 20:42:13|
|Planting||cheyenne smyth||Hi Cheyenne, A poem made for the senses - especially that of touch. It has an overall velvet feel to it and eventually erupts in the emergence of spring. It is sensual in its flavor. The poem title is simple yet apt and invites the reader into this re-creation of what would otherwise seem a mundane, routine task. Thanks for making 'planting' more interesting than the thought of just throwing sees around in the soil. Duane.||2010-02-09 21:55:42|
|January Votes||DeniMari Z.||Hi Deni, Your continued support for the longevity is appreciated. Thanks for being part of the fray of those who value this community. Take care, Duane.||2010-02-09 21:33:35|
|Poem Title||Poet Name||Critique Given by Duane J Jackson||Critique Date|
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