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If They Could Only See - Edited
I am colors Moods Mystical powers embrace my mind changing life in life a different shade all the time Blue moody misfit to purple waters tranquil ponds Silver sentiments held with hours feeling Calmness of white placid baths yellow splash of exciting moments Trade a dark bruised heart with a soulful touch of burgundy bliss Erotic red fusion Hot seeds of breath blowing amber kisses for friends on black days inspiring golden dreams Placing each color to its proper space Gently misting life with streams of innocently tinted sights I am colors Inside I can see shields of coats paint over all that lives inside of me
This is a rewrite of the original, and I thank those who have already critiqued it. I worked with it again last night - to make it more appealing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2009-12-03 06:58:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Look at the indefinite quality (all poetry should have) you've obtained by removing articles. The next thing I want you to work on is to elevate purpose in your work by reaching out for more universality in the form of sparking relevance to others. Aim towards meanings that tie in with what is innate to mankind. Had you polished off this poem by reaching out that way it would have been more powerful in effect. I realize this is a big order but it's what most poets today lack...and not just online. Think of it this way, assonance is more than sound quality, it is a chord struck when your reader identifies with you. The more you effect this way, the better are you a poet. JCH
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