This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-09-05 00:53:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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A Trip or Two and Fall

Oh pretense, oh pure. Alone and calmly demure blinded in absence of useless regard, open a gateway of life lines unbarred by mysterious knocks on a wall of doors. Inching and slipping down vacated floors. Master universe shaking by lights dimmed. Under clouded silence widen nailed defines to escape modern morals damaging innocent minds.

Copyright © September 2010 DeniMari Z.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2010-09-13 22:21:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
DeniMari, I like this...I have read it and reread it several times and can't quite put my finger on just what it is that strikes me so about this poem. I think, I have decided, it is that there are many possible ways to interpret this piece...from your title, this poem could be about someone tripping down a hall and eventually falling, but if i remember you well, your poetry if more profound than that. I have a gnawing sense that this hints at child abuse of some sort, perhaps sexual abuse..."alone and calmly demure" The child alone in her room, innocent and pure, unaware of the danger that lurks in the hall..."blinded in absence" she does not see the danger of one that is not there...but on she holds in high regard but sadly shouldn't "of useless regard." The last line leaves me to wonder on this theme, but also leads me to wonder on many possibilities. Is it about students in a library, or perhaps someone who "open[s] a gateway of life lines unbarred" through psychic travel? and where are the vacated floors that this person or soul is inching and slipping down? I must admit I was tripped up by the following lines "Master universe shaking, by lights dimmed. Under clouded silence, widen nailed defines to escape modern morals" I am not sure if it is the meter or rhyme or that I lost the imagery as I read these lines...but something about them I think may suggest a closer look? or perhaps you could explain to me? I do like your writing and look forward to reading some more. I hope I am not completely off target... Cheers~ Mandie

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2010-09-13 19:34:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni- I guess I understand the "pretense", and "escape modern morals, damaging innocent mindes". Maybe the buildup was for that reason alone- and it is powerful. If there is a singular incident that I should decipher from the text, I am missing it. I am sure it is me; sometimes I am daft at a simple point. "Alone and calmly demure" of "regard" and mysterious knocks certainly whets the soul. I believe I understand the message; of purpose and direction, vice immorality and "pretense", I hhope I haven't missed the cardinal point.
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-09-06 16:36:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Deni, This is a marvelous poem and one I enjoyed reading more than once. I seem to write in rhyme more than free verse even when I try not to. Your word selection is successful and the phrasing is well done. A very liquid flow for free verse, wich is not always the case unless the poet knows what they are doing. Obviously you do! I know a good critquer should give some sage advice, to the poet, but I have none for you as this is a fine poem and should be left as is. Best wishes, cheyenne
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