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His name in marble etched where leaves now dwell along with rhymes that autumn lost in prose Where once they heard the whispers softly breathe in shadows found and claimed before they held the very moments cherished long with him She cleaves to marker’s stone in fear it might dissolve without a place to grieve alone in silken shimmer dreams that never fade when sleep has finally come to soothe her soul She stands beside the grave and hears wind’s wrath that whistles loud in pines and willow trees before the night will drop its ancient tears from eyes reflecting back too many nights and days, where sorrow lives while marking time with ocher leaves so crisp they skip on stone no longer held by limb’s embrace that binds Translucent skies are smiling down on her with open eyes she seeks the woven light and hears his echo say, I’m never far I’ll send the breath you need to journey on
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-10-30 21:10:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Chey THE line of this piece is "I'll send the breath you need to journey on". I'd say in that one line is the springboard to your future writing, because: * it's visionary: it senses and communicates more than it "says" * it's universal: everyone can access it * it's original: fresh, fresh, fresh * it's apoetic: there is no sense of it being written "to be poetic". This is a badge of honour. * it's essential: i.e. essential to and of YOU. I single this line out because in my view it stands far above every other line in the poem. But it's not enough to raise the raise the rest of the poem up to its level. That's YOUR job :) Go to it. Mark
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