This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2010-10-16 18:02:46 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Ocher Leaves

His name in marble etched where leaves now dwell along with rhymes that autumn lost in prose Where once they heard the whispers softly breathe in shadows found and claimed before they held the very moments cherished long with him She cleaves to marker’s stone in fear it might dissolve without a place to grieve alone in silken shimmer dreams that never fade when sleep has finally come to soothe her soul She stands beside the grave and hears wind’s wrath that whistles loud in pines and willow trees before the night will drop its ancient tears from eyes reflecting back too many nights and days, where sorrow lives while marking time with ocher leaves so crisp they skip on stone  no longer held by limb’s embrace that binds Translucent skies are smiling down on her with open eyes she seeks the woven light and hears his echo say, I’m never far I’ll send the breath you need to journey on

Copyright © October 2010 cheyenne smyth

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2010-10-30 21:10:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Chey THE line of this piece is "I'll send the breath you need to journey on". I'd say in that one line is the springboard to your future writing, because: * it's visionary: it senses and communicates more than it "says" * it's universal: everyone can access it * it's original: fresh, fresh, fresh * it's apoetic: there is no sense of it being written "to be poetic". This is a badge of honour. * it's essential: i.e. essential to and of YOU. I single this line out because in my view it stands far above every other line in the poem. But it's not enough to raise the raise the rest of the poem up to its level. That's YOUR job :) Go to it. Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-10-29 09:34:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
A very subtle and arresting poem, my dear. You were born too late. The English Romantics would have adored you. You title is a signature for your poem's theme, one whose lightness needs little enforcement. My favorite line, "in silken shimmer dreams that never fade" is indeed the best reflection to place on fall, carried in the promise, "I'll send the breath you need to journey on", that there is more. "with ocher leaves so crisp they skip on stone" is use of poetic language highly refined to success. Beautiful. JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-10-17 11:56:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Very beautifully written Cheyenne, imagery is outstanding and the message is clear. I have been at this place many times - and the ending nails this poem - for what we want as we leave this place has been clearly stated in poetic fashion and I am in awe of this write. Blessings, Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2010-10-16 19:44:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
At first I thought I was reading a sonnet till the end...*smile*. Very nicely done and so aphrapo for the season. Great shades of darkness exude from the choice verbiage you've used to limn your lines while the iambic cadence dances your reader through each stanza with ease. The occaisional internal rhymes adds a bit of pleasurable spice and the closing lines bring redemption and offer hope to carry on... Wonderful. Lora
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