This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2011-05-16 12:04:29 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Meandering Waters Meandering the waters flow and fill
A brook that trickles past the bushy plants
With swirls that shine like silver beads that spill
Off every mountain side with gentle slants
The eyes of dawn that flutters over dreams
Encroach the shadows born of ebon night
And sprinkles tears on rocks and silent streams
Where currents move beyond the boughs of light
The pooling eddies lend me quiet times
I need to carry on and live my days
Its murmurs hold me where forever chimes
And keeps me safe from crashing rill’s displays
Meandering the waters calm with song
And trills beside the shore where I belong |
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Copyright © May 2011 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2011-06-03 20:25:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Cheyenne, a natural read. I have recently contemplated very closely to your vision. It is a natural thing to find peace where images such as this reside.
I appreciated the dawn “fluttering†over dreams, and the “boughs of lightâ€. One has to wonder why anyone in this world would not be drawn to such resilient images.
“eddies†to “quiet timesâ€, and the ripples in “rills†find me sitting and writing from the inspiration.
“where I belongâ€, universal and tempting.
This Poem was Critiqued By: David Keesey On Date: 2011-05-20 15:05:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Meandering the waters flow and fill -> Meandering waters flow and fill,
Omit "the" in the second line -> "past bushy plants"
The eyes of dawn that flutters over dreams
Encroach the shadows born of ebon night
->
The eyes of dawn flutter over dreams
Encroaching the shadows born in ebon night
And sprinkles tears on rocks and silent streams
Where currents move beyond the boughs of light
->
Sprinkling tears on rocks and silent streams
Where currents move beyond the boughs of light
The pooling eddies lend me quiet times
I need to carry on and live my days
->
Pooling eddies lend me quiet times;;
I need to carry on and live my days
Its murmurs hold me where forever chimes
And keeps me safe from crashing rill’s displays
->
Its murmurs hold me where forever chimes
Keeping me safe from crashing rill’s displays
Meandering the waters calm with song
And trills beside the shore where I belong
->
Meandering waters calm with song
Trilling beside the shore where I belong.
Ok, please forgive me for my stoic structure yet I felt this poem and your choice was calling for it. Almost like the ripples when a stone is tossed into a calm pond, puddle or lake.
A nice read. Sorry if I'm too structured and pedantic.
kind regards
This Poem was Critiqued By: Pat Eaklor On Date: 2011-05-16 20:48:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi, Cheyenne!
This poem is so full of emotion that it took me a minute or so to
absorb it... I think the last quatrain is most emotionally charged and significant.
One question: in, The eyes of dawn that flutters over dreams, I'm a little confused
(which is a natural state for me). Do you mean the eyes flutter over dreams, or
dawn that flutters over dreams. The plural, flutters, would indicate that dawn does
the fluttering. Is that your intention?
You've done it again!
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