This Poem was Submitted By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2012-02-05 19:41:41 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Stew

At five (or four? or earlier?) I’m not yet this quailing man, but have a hale man’s needs: no child-mother could ever rise to these. So, perhaps to help her out of this spot I lay my five-or-four-year man upon the loungeroom floor, still, quiet, untroubling. And laid on my still, quiet chest, my scribbling: “I am dead.”                   I wonder, now that I am gone, how long she’ll keep cooking before she sees this emptiness she emptied from her womb just wants her fingers through his hair, a comb of simple human love. But her stew seethes.

Copyright © February 2012 Mark Andrew Hislop

This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2012-03-07 06:05:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Remove articles...like, instead "I wonder, now that I am gone" try Gone, I wonder. Leaves you more room for "meat". The wordiness harms the read. Don't worry about indistinctness, use it. Task the reader more, it gets them into the poem. Learn the difference observing free verse from formed and in each poem stick to one or the other. Don't be like me. That will be fifty cents, thank you. JCH

This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2012-03-02 00:16:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wow! I will need to stew on this for awhile to take it all in! (sorry about the pun). The range of emotion is so subtle that even the boy isnt really aware of them. I dont really know you so I hope I haven't strayed too far.. no child-mother could ever rise to these. >> at first I took this full circle. A girl becomes a mother, as if no woman could ever really fulfill his perpose.... but I also see it as; a young boy who loves his mother, living quietly and staying out of the way, because he knows thats how it has to be. I wonder, now that I am gone, >> first thought is that you committed suicide! but I can picture this child imaging this too. just wants her fingers through his hair>>and besides, it says he 'wants' not wanted.. So, I am taking all these things to mind and decided that both ways, it comes out the same! Your words jump off the page, and like a slap in the face! I like poetry that stirs me up. This certainly has! >>I wonder how it would be to make this change- So, perhaps to help her out of this spot of simple human love. But her stew seethes. My thoughts are that this would add emphasis to these final definate thoughts. Also, I think the statement: “I am dead.” I wonder, now that I am gone, is too strong. If it represents a feeling it should be toned down. The shock value is great, but could be more gentle, reflective. However, if it represents a truth than I think you should leave it as is. You got me. I'm feeling spooked :) I like it. Thank you! ~smile~ Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-02-11 13:12:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
MAH or Mark, poems such as this always make my day and yet trouble me. It is really my fault since little that I write isn’t filled with subtle metaphor and analogies- for purposes deeper within my meaning. So I overcompensate and look at this straight forward piece and think, the action could be easily the little tyke in play, in vainly attempting his mother’s attention, or could be another story that I have not penetrated. The options are open, and as with seeking a duality of both occurrence and theory I can foresee, both the play of a youngster and a busy mom, or the death of the youngster, looking in, and a mother burying herself in her other passions to temper the loss. It is possible that the –seethe- is also a clue for repressed anger- but I find this is a distant third. I guess, as with all weaknesses, I’ll be the last to know. No matter- it was well written so I’ll take the readers road and contemplate a little longer.
This Poem was Critiqued By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2012-02-09 12:27:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mark, I have read this poem several times in hopes I could get inside your head. I have decided you are speaking of an affair gone bad. I could be wrong but that is the way your words speak to me. Your rhyming is successful, the flow is smooth and your well chosen words are filled with melacholy with some angst. Well done. Best wishes, cheyenne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2012-02-08 16:27:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
MAH, Elements of mother, witch . . . you left out the best role. Hey, formalist, is this a sonnet? Nah, twelve lines. I remember that much. However you register it in the ranks of prosody, I like it. MSS
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