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This Poem was Submitted By: Debbie Spicer On Date: 2003-08-19 21:22:09 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Charge of Discrimination

Rustlings of the tongue in restless thought. Critical contempt pierces its transient wrongs, shielding not the sacrifice or shame of disgrace. Where is all restitution? Fluid emotion by sauntered frenzy ooze from the mouth of the talk. Intentions to harm till the destruction of the one, the innocent, the sacrifice. Faithfulness and self-respect are diminished… one spirit one soul descend...

Additional Notes:
You may have guessed...discrimination comes in all fashions and is not limited to one entity. I now know what it feels like and it is appalling. How could we??? We would attempt not to if we knew what it truly felt like...

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2003-09-07 19:24:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.00000
Debbie, It is a pleasure to be able to critique one of your submission again. I have been away from TPL for just a little while, but I am back again. I haven't had time for posting and critiquing, but this was a delightful surprize to find this one on my list. This poem is profound in its theme and message. You are so right; shy would anyone want to discriminate against anyone? I am truly sorry that you experienced it first-hand. "Rustlings of the tongue in restless thought." [I like the use of the word 'rustlings' here...packs a double whammy...the murmurs of those participating in idle gossip and the connotation that they [the contemptious accusors] are 'rustling/rounding up' anything they can to be used against you.] "Critical contempt pierces its transient wrongs, shielding not the sacrifice or shame of disgrace." [WOW, how eloquently you have portrayed the hurt one must feel when discriminated against, as well as the scarifice, shame and disgrace of the whole issue. You have used great poetic devices here, I like the aliteration, assonance, personification [of contempt, as if it is a warroir weilding a sword] allowing you with no shield a means of defense. "Where is all restitution?" [I like the use of the rhetorical question here, as it needs no answer. Sorry to say, this does go on in our society...it has for ages past, and sorrowfully, will probably continue] "Fluid emotion by sauntered frenzy [the imagery here is good...I like 'sauntered frenzy'] ooze from the mouth of the talk." [I would suggest that you change these lines to read: "Fluid emotion by sauntered frenzy 'oozes' from the mouth of the talk"...OR, "Fluid 'emotions' by sauntered frenzy ooze from the mouth of the talk...it needs to be 'emotions ooze' or 'emotion oozes'.] "Intentions to harm till the destruction of the one, the innocent, the sacrifice. Faithfulness and self-respect are diminished… one spirit one soul descend..." [These last lines portray the spirit of the one accused in a most moving manner...self-respect, spirit, soul diminished, as the sacrifice descends into the depts of despair, leaving her/him with no faith in a society where discrimination teems abundantly in life's cup.] Thanks so much for the read. It has awakened a sense of compassion in me, and I hope others will be affected similarly. Great post! Beck

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-09-01 22:08:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.33333
Dear Debbie, So very good to hear your voice here again! I also have recently felt the sting of discrimination, with the girls that I work with in my small office. I am the odd woman out, and it hurts, so it does lend a better understanding of what it feels like. I see you too have experienced it. I am sorry. So nice to hear from you, I have missed you. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Scott M. Bushehead On Date: 2003-09-01 07:19:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Debbie, I certainly agree with you that there are all kinds of discrimination, and snobbery which occurs to everyone is also discr. Not often thought that, but it's still looking down on someone for a senseless reason. I enjoyed the read. Hope to see more of yours.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-08-26 21:31:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.94444
What we produce and create with our words is well presented in this first stanza. Not only the words we use but the actions that show disdain are also present or at least to this reader. I like how you follow it up with where is the compensation of such actions. This gives the reader the direction you will follow within this poem. I feel as if I am wandering in the next section in all directions trying to bring down someone else. Good use of words here showing How one feels on the other end. I like how you drift into the ending by showing the spirit, soul falling down. This is what I saw. Really enjoyed this read. Thanks Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2003-08-25 19:11:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Debbie, I"m not quite sure about that last sentence in your notes. I just think some people are ignorant boors who don't give a whit (?) about others (skin heads, etc)., or the higher ups who think they know better because they are called managers (small "m"). Put those ass holes on the front lines and let's see them react to the bullshit they profuse. Keep up the battles...I fight the same ones. Good one Debbie...there is no restitution! It's a tough fight Debbie... keep the faith.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-08-21 15:25:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.01786
Debbie your work within these lines are felt by this reader and just recently......my mother in law fell and we found her the next morning though we are not certain when she actually fell. She did not break any bones but she messed herself and it was formig to her body. The lady that had come to give her a morning bath refused to help clean her up and the ambulance was on its way....I hurried, washed her as well as I could and she was basically clean from feces when they arrived though her nightie still had it on her.....they reported me for neglect....for seven yeaars I have cared for this woman 24/7 and have paid to have others come in and bathe her in the morning, her house was clean but still they reported me...the hopspital carried it one step further......I tell you I was taken back with the system and how it works ...when her doctor approached me I asked him to stop and listen to what I had to say before he too got the wrong impression.....there are no sores on this woman's body, she is in good health yet because she had rug burn on her face, her had and side she has been neglected by the one person that loves her the lost, me.....okay so she stayed in the hospital for a week and is now in rehab whichis good since they will help rebuild the strength in her legs for when she comes home it will be her and I but she will come home no matter what they say.....they are lacking authority there....they can destroy your emotions all they want but they cannot run it any further.......oh I know they can if they petitioned the court but honestly she was not abused in many matter nor was she denied bathing or personal care.......so feelings and sputtering of others mouths are indeed discremination and in the worse way possible since they hurt and don't care. Enjoyed the way you structured this, your message is loud and clear and your words certainly do bring forth feelings and images. Thank you for posting, I am sorry for your pain and be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-08-20 17:49:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Debbie, So nice to read a poem from you and this one really makes an impression of how words can wound the soul...especially words that attack and abuse...those types of words are never forgotten no matter how much time passes. They will continue to wound everytime they cross the mind...."Rustlings of the tongue in restless thought" this is a wonderful beginning to this piece as it sets the tone of it's content. ..."critical contempt"...great line..."shielding not the sacrifice or shame of grace"....gut wrenching phrase..."fluid emotion by sauntered frenzy ooze from the mouth of talk"...I espicially like this line, it personifies the pain and injury done to another with hateful words... ..."intention to harm"...this is a vile form of abuse. I don't recall a time when I said something hateful that I really meant to harm the other person...but perhaps I have without really knowing what 'their' pain was. The loss of self respect to the spirit and soul are all consuming. This is another great write from you..it is full of emotion which I believe is the only way to write a meaningful piece. Glad you are back...Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-08-19 23:42:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.44898
Debbie, First and foremost,I apologize as a member of the human race for such a horrible experience. This is one of man's behaviors that baffles me. Truly baffles me. Your words "Intentions to ....." are so expressive of the humility and pain born of such ignorant acts. Your voice deserves an ear and the lesson should be learned. Thank you for speaking out. Andrea

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