This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-08-21 01:15:05 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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japanese verse 22 (Water Lilies)

Pond’s pretty maidens Surrounded by keen suitors Croaking at the stars

Copyright © August 2003 Erzahl Leo M. Espino


This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-09-05 09:57:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.14444
I see the water lilies giving me a picture of the calm and the surrounding within the pond. Then you follow it up with bull frogs looking for the right lily pad and I like the use of suitors meaning more than one maybe eyeing it. Once they obtain the resting place they will burst out letting the universe know what they have found. You have created a beautiful picture with this piece. Excellent, well done and keeping it in the structure designed. Thanks, Tom


This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-09-03 16:02:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41379
Hmm... I like this. It would be more traditional to use watter lilies as your first line and not have a title but this works fine as an american style haiku. I like the visual and auditory imagery. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-09-01 11:49:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Hi Erzahl, havn't a clue as to what your other critiques may say about the submission. I will say in one word Marvelious, and Magnificent!! How much clarity does one need to partake in a haiku that contains all the element, to so vividly bring to my mind the lieetle pong, with the lilies floated so serenly, with the dezines of that pond sitting on their surface, croaking to welcome possible mates, with shats of moonlight breaking apart on the surface caused by fine ripples as the frogs actively jump lily pads. Wonderful, each line says a mutitude of sensation, and vividly allows the reader to become fully enrossed in you descriptive usage. Love it, another great example of a craft difficult to conquer. Yet I'll bet you the poet, are satisfied, but as you reread it, it may strike you senses for more examples of your wonderful haiku style. Congratulation, and I'm still mesmerized by the poem, remember that little pond in the wood, by my childhood home. Good luck this month, but then you don't need luck, you have the skill...Jo Morgan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2003-08-27 17:29:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I like the use of imagery here and how it nicely implies the picture it wants to construct, and does effectively and efficiently, in the reader's mind. The use of "p" and "s" alliteration is also integral to the effectiveness of the work. The use of "keen" in the second line was a great touch as well. I think "stars" may be a bit too predictable a word to end the piece on but I do see why it may haave been utilized a la the syllable count of a haiku. Very evocative,sensual and thought-provoking.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-08-22 19:43:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78947
Erzahl: This is one of most exquisite of your illustrious gems. I absolutely love it! It may be because our home adjoins a pond - a large one with 'pond' lilies and those "keen suitors." It has everything - subtlety, simplicity, nature, euphonious sound, and most splendid visual and auditory imagery! You've exceeded even yourself here. In addition to the scintillating picture you've given us here, you include humor. I can easily visualize these ardent fellows, looking skyward and croaking their little green hearts out! The whole picture leaves me with an impression of having glimpsed a scene of nature's beauty through the eyes of someone who loves all of the gifts from the Creator and wants to share this love with readers. What striking images, what lovely cadence! Bravo, once more! All my best, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-08-22 09:33:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.38182
Erzahl, "Pond's pretty maidens" I love the impact of vision this presents. "Surrounded by keen suitors" Made me think alittle. Interesting. "Croaking at the stars" I can hear the cricket's serenading as well. I enjoyed this. Andrea
This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-08-21 13:55:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.82609
good imagery....the lilies flowers poking up surrounded by the lily pads and the ever noisome frogs... enjoyed this delightful haiku...another to add to your growing collection...start adding photos and make a book to share.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-08-21 10:51:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88235
Lovely scene setting in an almost classical haiku style- but for the adjectives. The suggestion that the lilies (in concert with their suitors frogs are "croaking is quite marvelous. Mention of "the stars" at target of these affections is perfect as it allows us to raise our vision of the pond to eternity - which is the beauty of a good haiku. Thank you.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-08-21 09:23:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.06061
Oh my Erzahl, when I read this Haiku I feel as though I am sitting with legs dangling between the rustic slats of the mossy little bridge overlooking the pond in Claude Monet's garden. There I can see the water lillies by the light of the moon and hear the frogs and feel at peace and one with nature. Thanks of the serene moment of contemplation. This has all the elements of traditional Haiku and is so lovely! The power of so few words always amazes me! Blessings , Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-08-21 08:36:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.01786
true to form 5-7-5...for this you certainly have great knowledge of.....the visions escaping this one my friend are wonderful and for those that do not know of the water lilies I feel bad for since they are so beautiful just growing and floating about as they desire.....that the frogs...I assume you speak of the big of bull frogs here within the lines....for I hear them every night, across the open field, and at times they come out and jump the road on a wet and dreary night......but yes most night they sit on those lilly pads and look to the heavens with their songs that the Lord gave them to sing....thank you for sharing this with us, it is a pleasure as always to read your work. Be safe, God Bless, Claire
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