This Poem was Submitted By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2003-09-02 10:09:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Hamburg Haiku

stockyard train pulls up Greatgrandma trills to herself son now in Joplin.

Copyright © September 2003 Michael J. Cluff

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-07 09:24:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
I see myself at the freight yards of the station or the years of compilation of thoughts in the first line. I see vibration as the train arrives giving one the excitement of this ocasion. Now I see what the excitement is all about as one endured is now exiting coming to join love ones. You have kept this in the proper meter and structure. Your title has enhanced the Haiku giving us location. This is well crafted Michael. No suggestions for this is what I saw in your writing. Thanks for sharing. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-09-29 00:13:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.23077
Dear Micheal, The trilling here matches the noise of the train arriving. I wish the third stanza could somehow echo this warning mourning sound too. Always a pleasure, Jane
This Poem was Critiqued By: carole j mennie On Date: 2003-09-23 23:28:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Michael--I am becoming quite a fan of haiku and tanka, and this is excellent! The 5/7/5 form is right on. The images are superb, and I like your use of 'trills'--also, the title! Bring on the special sauce! Memorable piece. Best--Carole
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2003-09-19 22:54:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62500
Sheesh, had ta put my glasses on... thought ya said "great gramma KILLS herself". A very spunky 5-7-5 here Michael. Though I scratch my head a the relationship between "Hamburg", this little depiction of a few moments in life and the "son in Joplin" it covers all the criteria that catagorizes Haiku! You'll have ta splain to me where Joplin is... somehow when I read that word, it always brings back memories of Janis - but maybe yer too young to remember her anyway, so how bout I shut up now. No suggestions. Haiku is too short to mess with. Kinda like trying to part a buzz cut.. Cheerz! T
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Morales On Date: 2003-09-10 21:11:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
And I thought to myself: it’s only 7:50; I still need to piss off at least one more person before 8:00. So here I am. I don't care for most haiku because usually writers are more concerned with count than anything else, such as thought consistancy. No problem here though. Your poem sings, as does the word "trills", yet not in the context of birds, but rather, in horror. Excellent word choice. Excellent haiku, Mike. Hope to see you again during the holidays. Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-09-10 19:36:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Powerful poem, but I think it is more a senryu than haiku. I think we would get it without the title though. "Trills" is a chilling word in this context. Fine evocative piece.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-09-09 05:13:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This one is fine, Mike! Terrific in it's form and perfect in its meter. I've browsed your latest entries and they all of the same form 'haikus'. The scene is funny for I can relate the event especially when I was still in the province where my parents are raising hogs and cattles in the farm. I experienced trilling myself once when the animals are jumping and running like in a race. Oh, how I love to go on vacation in our province in Agusan. I miss the scene where the animals are running after and away from me when I drove them away. I appreciate this very much, thank your for sharing. Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-09-08 16:23:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Michael, Usually haikus don't make me smile but this one did. You have stayed with the 5-7-5 format of a haiku and allowed yourself to paint a little outside the lines with humor..which I find very refreshing. I am new to the world of haiku...have only attempted two which I have posted here. Someone told me that the students of haiku in Japan were made to study and write for 20 years before their work would be polished enough to deserve reading. Well I don't have that long left...don't think anyway.. so I will continue to stumble along. Enjoyed this one...keep them coming. Peace...marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-05 20:12:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
from the title I expected something different my friend.....though you have this one down pat.....the 5-7-5 is perfect and the images of greatgrandma and son are just fine.....thanks for posting, be safe, God Bless....Claire
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