This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-09-10 00:56:48 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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japanese verse 24 (Old Age)

When beauty is lost When youth and strength are fading Then wisdom is gained

Copyright © September 2003 Erzahl Leo M. Espino

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-09-30 09:47:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I love the content. Though I would argue that growing old has a beauty of its own, I understand the feel of this piece Not to certain as to the use of "When" to open the first 2 lines. I maybe would have used a solid consenant for the opening line, maybe someting like, "Times beauty is lost" and I my have changed the last line to reflect a more personal feel, something like, "Our wisdom is gained" I like it the way it is, it is just the all the "..en"'s starting off each line feels a bit awkard. Thank you Dan

This Poem was Critiqued By: carole j mennie On Date: 2003-09-27 09:12:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.66667
Hi Erzahl--Lovely Haiku, expertly done. You have mastered the form. Also, a salty truth in L3. [Well, we ought to get something in return for the painful joints, the wrinkles, right?] Nice! Best--Carole
This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-09-12 15:11:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.33333
Erzahl, I cannot not believe how we think so much alike. I appreciate the simple truth of this. The images are allowing each of us to look in the mirror and see what we may want for our own outcome. I might have presented the first line with "If" instead of "when". The two whens distracted me a little. But, I don't know enough to know if this changes the impact of what you wanted to have us read. I don't agree that beauty is always lost with aging. This could be why I would use the if, when and then at the beginning of each line. It seems to help the flow of the entire image better for me. In any case, the thought and images are presented well. Thanks, as always. Andrea
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-12 07:26:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78571
When wrinkles are joined your eyes still shining brightly Peace, love , joy remain To some my friend Wisdom is indeed a sign of attaining old age but to others it just passes them by. Mom at 92 just enjoys each day of her life as well as she can......her beauty still shines through the wrinkles added to her face and she often has a twinkle in her lovely blue eyes that not only I but my son inherited. Once in awhile she offers words of wisdom but not often enough though her tales of days gone by are wonderful stories to listen to. Enoyed your piece my friend as always.....I do not write Haiku's but the above is my response to yours.......if you like it let me know otherwise please tear it apart and let me know......Again, thank you for posting and sharing your feelings with us. Yesterday was a day of rememberance to some and for me it was a day of celebration of life as well for it was three years ago yesterday that I was dying and went through open heart surgery........Be safe for the world is still not calm my friend, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Morales On Date: 2003-09-10 21:46:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
The count is perfect. And I know what message you're trying to deliver. But the only thing that bothers me is the premise that in "old age", people are not beautiful [when beauty is lost]. I can certainly see youth and strength fading. Wow, can I see it! Vanity mirrors indeed. Take care, Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2003-09-10 21:31:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
True, very true. One of the balances in nature ; weak body equals strong mind. Also, the fading of one gift bears right to another. Wisdom is built with pain, strife, experience and time. Simple and to the point ; a good haiku. - Brandon
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-09-10 08:50:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
You state it so clearly I do like this very much. Your middle line has the power and shows aging taking place and your last the strength of the poem showing wisdom replaces youth. My only observation and maybe it is just me is related to 'beauty is lost' that tells me everyone must be beautiful before aging which is not a bad concept (beauty is in the eye of the beholder) but it is not reality to me. You could still maintain the concept if you used the word charm a form of beauty yet not as specific. Just a thought. Enjoy your work. Tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-09-10 08:46:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Erzahl, Oh, this is the simple truth, when young we think we know, we sound as if we know, but by the time you reach sixty-four, then the truth is told, we really know. I love it of course, much has been written about aging, this haiku in the aret well founded, speaks the simple truth. There really isn't anything left to doubt, in the end the attractiveness may fade, but look at the eyes of people aging, in those eyes you still see the attractiveness, and understand, now they know. Oh when a youth we feel we know, the tinge of knowing is there, in preperation of that time to come, when one truly knows. Wonderful haiku, most enjoyed, and a prode and sense of value in your words, gratefully acknowledged.... My best always, form, intent, presentation, and dialogue artfully applied, nothing I can suggest, other then to say, I chuckled to myself, that finally someone stated the simple truth, in great form...Lovely....Jo Morgan
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