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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-09-22 12:19:03 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Leaping Lizard

the leaping lizard jumps in psychotic frenzy lands in the same place

Additional Notes:
please feel free to 'tinker' with this haiku!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-12-15 10:35:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn--This is a great Senryu. I have no idea how I missed it (maybe I hadn't discovered the TPL). At any rate this is funny, cute and not being critiqued (if I was reviewing it-- I'd have to say it meets all the form requirements, i.e.,5-7-5 syllables, three lines, nature theme and humorous slant). "Leaping Lizard," my poetic friend is a great Senryu! I must go now--I am trying to locate the one about trees, wind, water or dirt-smile. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2003-10-05 20:07:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Hi Marilyn! Tinker, I shall not, as after reading this, I have the most vivid image of this leaping lizard trying so hard to make headway, but, alas, cannot! I feel as if I have just witnessed his 'psychotic frenzy!' LOL I know that your theme is the lizard, but it can also be applied to all us souls who try in vain to succeed or make sense out of a chaotic situation! Let this one stand, if the lizard will coorporate! Great haiku! Beck

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-05 14:18:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54839
Love this style of poetry. Even though there is no mention as to a season I really like what you have done with the thought. Yes I can picture this vividly within my mind. My only suggestion is with the second line where jumps seems so expected, maybe if you had 'ascends psychotic frenzy' it would caputre the reader making them go into deeper thought only to return to the same place. Just a thought. Excellent, well done. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-09-29 17:09:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81481
Hi Marilyn, this is an interesting haiku, usually I don't tinker with anothers effort, but as I read it struck me that the word psychotic does really offer a sensation of what you intendted to be the descriptive for frenzy, too medicinal an application I think, another more active descriptive bringing life to the sensation would probably work better, I know you're aware of count because of the style you choose to write this, I think a world application furious frenzy, end in the same..etc..etc. Just that one work from me, but honestly I really laughed when I read there, too often we live at a maddening pace, expecting it to end somewhere other then when we started. How many times has this lesson be seem all good intentions sometime don't come to fruition, and indeed land right where we started, this is about a lizzard, and yes they do leap, people don't realize just how much they do. In Hawaii I'd look up and see one on the ceiling, and next thing I knew that lizzards leaped down and landed on me, ha ha. Good version Marilyn, a universal application here, about a lizzard for sure, just the transformation into what society does. Good life's lesson, show well, haiiku was a great choice here, and they arn't easy to write, and come out with the 5-7-5 stardard set for haiiku, wouldn't have missed this one for the world, and thought you didf an excellent job in presenting. I racked my brain for an appropriate woerd with the right count to maintain your intent, when it comes to lizzards they are a way of life, and literal bedmates all year round there, and very animated. Enjoyed then until the day I saw my 18 month old, with the tail of the lizzard in his mouth, couldn't get to it before he sollowed it, and certainly was looking foreward to that diaper change, ugh!! Humor all around us, once the incident has passed, I still shutter when I think about it and that was 37 years ago, ha ha. Nice write developing this skill is not easy, especially for the poem to carry such a punch, keep going write more......My best always, Jo Morgan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-09-29 13:50:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Nice little Haiku. I can see imagery of the regular hustle and bustle of everyday insanity to keep up with the needs of life, to end up in the same place every day. The mundane and the obscure. The only thing I might change would be changing "The leaping lizard" to "A leaping lizard" lending it more of a general direction than a specific direction. Dan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-09-24 20:54:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Dear Marilyn, I wonder if there is another more tangible word that would imply psychotic giving the reader more room to really see you lizard. Then, the landing in the same place is a fun and thoughtful ending. Jane

This Poem was Critiqued By: Julie Ann Ruengert On Date: 2003-09-23 06:56:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.66667
This is 5,7,5 haiku--cute, I like it The rushing lizard-------Lizard Loss hides in psychotic frenzy never to be found the leaping frogie-------Leap Frog jumps in psychotic frenzy lands in the same place grasshopper leaper-------Silent Grasshopper jumps in psychotic frenzy found dead in suitcase Thanks for letting me tinker with this haiku I think poetry styles are important to know It shows that you are a diciplined poet to make up this cute poem---Leaping Lizard Thanks again----Julie

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-22 16:51:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55556
Never saw a lizard that jumps but I certainly can imagine one that leaps all about in such a frenzie that you have created here with the flow of these three little lines.....small in stature yet large in volume and to think he/se lands in the same spot......love the term jumps in psychotic frenzy..........one could say I was jumping in psychotic frenzy this morning when rehab called and indicated mother in law was going tobe discharged for lack of cooperation......I was a basket case believe it or not.....hehehe.....packed mom into the car and went for a ride to the facility and spoke with mother in law about being more cooperative or she was not coming home.....her son's orders, not mine......she wants out so bad she began to jump at it too......so I can certainly associate with this haiku in true form as well. Thanks for posting, would not change a thing though some might want to give pointers......hehehe....Bless you, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-09-22 14:17:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
Marilyn, this is an amazing idea for haiki and it is almost there. If you throw in a seasonal word and change the adverbial phrase it could become a famous poem I think. It is a subtle commentary on how, in a frenzy to act we get nowhere - and much more - this is profound on so many levels. It is the second line which makes it more a commentary than a true haiku. If you could get in a word like mud, rain, sun etc and change the judgement word "psychotic" to a more descriptive action word would be truer to form. for example the leaping lizard [jumps zealosly from the mud] or [jumps eagerly from the swamp] In other words - something that lets us see the frog and where it is and ideally, what season it is. Real fine piece! Best, Rachel

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dawn Parker On Date: 2003-09-22 13:19:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, Well you said to tinker...I will just bounce around some ideas as they flow. I notice you use "the" twice and "in" twice in this poem. With a haiku, each syllable is so precious to make a statement that using these fillers seems to me, to be letting go the opportunity to say more. Something like: jade leaping lizard (I thought using a color adjective would enhance imagery) jumps with psychotic frenzy lands at the same place It is a deep idea and makes a strong point...maybe using the color adjective gray instead of green, if you were adding the depth of observing human nature when in the trench of identifying with the reptilian 'brain'. How the fear, survival stimulus can trigger movement... but no forward action. I like the message if I am understanding your intent correctly. Best wishes! Dawn Parker

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